Life's Best Laid Plans

A new year is amost here

2010-12-05T23:19:00.002-06:00

The holidays are here again, and I find myself in a place of acceptance. I have all but given up the dream of a baby, and I've come to a place where I rarely give way to the hopes I used to entertain so often. We are a family of three.

I took a big step today - it sounds silly, but I have always wanted a mother's necklace, a symbol of the family I have created. Something pretty to wear that I can look at and smile about. I have held back for so long, because I wanted so badly to add to the family before commemorating it with a piece of jewelry. Today I was tired of waiting, so I ordered my necklace. It has only one birthstone, but it is mine and it represents the child I have been blessed with. It's my Christmas gift to myself.

It has been a year now since our last injectable cycle. Wow...what a difference a year makes. 2010 has been a HARD year. Not just the lost surrogacy and lost baby...but hard in so many other ways too. It has become progressively harder for me to find the blessings in everything lately. I feel somewhat under attack. I can't remember the last time I went to church, and that is bothering me too.

There are many nights when I lay in bed and think back to our first year of marriage, when so much possibilty seemed to be at our fingertips. We had a plan...or so we thought...of how things would go. I still long to see Jamie hold a newborn baby. I just know he would totally amaze me. And I try to take comfort in knowing I will get to see that someday in Heaven. But right now, here on Earth, it still hurts.

Not much to update

2010-09-09T20:59:00.002-05:00

The house is still for sale.

I'm still infertile (best I can tell).

But things are good. I'm in a happy place right now - not as happy as our first blissful year of marriage, before we knew we would be confronted with this issue, but probably the happiest I've been since it all began. Elise is doing really well right now, and that is probably a big part of the reason that I am doing well. She's just so amazing. She's reading now so when I put her to bed, she reads to me instead of the other way around. She's growing up before our eyes and I feel so proud of her and blessed to be her mom.

I realized recently that I could let go of the feeling that I need to give her a sibling. Let's face it - best case scenario she would be seven years older than a future sibling. That is a large enough gap that she won't have anything in common with her sibling growing up. I know when they are adults they could potentially be close, but the window has closed as far as giving her someone to grow up with. The pressure is off. It didn't happen. And you know what? It's okay. She's happy.

I know I'm emerging from my depression, because I've been able to put myself out there a bit more than usual lately. I joined a Bible study where I literally knew no one. I just showed up alone. For those who know me well, you will realize how out of character that is for me! But I'm so glad I did it. I also became a Scentsy consultant. I've thought about it for around a year, but never had the confidence to sign up. I figured I wouldn't be able to sell anything. A month after joining I've already earned back my initial investment, and I have four parties scheduled over the next month! It's been good for me to start developing some personal interests again. When I became a mom I put all my own interests aside - after all, I had a demanding newborn to raise! But she's far from a baby now, and I am finding myself with some spare time again. I had forgotten what that feels like!

And as I begin this process of getting to know myself again, a strange thing is happening. I am beginning to feel reluctant about having another child. Don't get me wrong - I'm not at the pharmacy with a prescription for birth control pills. But I am starting to wonder if the window is closing for me. I finally have some independence back and some new hobbies, and I am enjoying it. I don't know if I want to start over again at this point. I know that sounds a bit selfish, but I can't tell you how relieved I am to feel this way. It dulls the pain and makes it feel as though maybe this is the answer. We desperately wanted a baby, and we tried SO HARD to make it happen. And now maybe that phase is over and I am naturally moving forward.

It's been almost 9 months since the doctor told us there is no further treatment available to us. I can't believe it's been that long. I can't believe everything that has happened since then. I still browse the surrogacy message boards sometimes, and it's weird to follow the surrogates who transferred around the time we would have transferred with our surrogate. I know if that had worked out, my mindset would be 100% different. Life is just so strange sometimes.

Closure (also known as "the escape from the space in between")

2010-08-05T20:12:00.003-05:00

Closure seems so elusive in my life. We've spent three years now waiting for answers to various questions that would eventually lead to the big answer to the big question - Will we be able to have another child? Because this big question remains unanswered, I find myself caught in what I call "the space in between". Living in the space in between is challenging, because it affects all your decisions.

Should we book a vacation for next summer?
What if I get pregnant and then we can't go? If we buy refundable airline tickets, we could get the money back...but those are more expensive. Do we just risk it and get the non-refundable tickets? Oh well, if I get pregnant I won't care about the tickets!

Should we go ahead and sell the nursery furniture?
It's taking up a whole room in our house, and we may never need it. But what if we get rid of it and then get pregnant? I would hate to have to buy a new set when we have this one that is perfectly good. But I would love to move Elise's toys in here and buy a dining room table.

I really want some new jeans. I wonder if I should buy them?
But if I spend money on these and then get pregnant, they aren't going to fit anymore.

I wonder if it would be okay to have a glass of wine tonight?
Hmm...did I already ovulate? I don't want to have it if I could be pregnant.

You get the idea. I find myself going through these scenarios in my head on practically a daily basis, and inevitably I end up feeling like a fool for planning anything around a possible pregnancy. But that is just an unfortunate part of living in the space in between.

A lot has happened since I last posted, but I wanted to have final resolution before I updated again...and that did not come until today.

Our baby left us on July 19th. It began right as I was leaving work to drive home, and by the time I pulled into the driveway about an hour later, I was in some serious pain. The pain really caught me off-guard. I did expect discomfort and cramping...I did not expect to feel like I was in labor. It was very intense pain that lasted four hours and finally tapered off, eventually disappearing altogether by late evening. I took a day off work and called the doctor the next morning, got scheduled for an ultrasound and thought the experience was behind me.

But it wasn't.

When I had my ultrasound 3 days later it revealed tissue and some fluid still in my uterus. This led to a painful procedure in the office that same day to attempt to remove what was left behind. At this point I was feeling very down. As if it weren't bad enough to lose the baby after all we'd been through - now I couldn't even do that correctly. When the procedure was over, I asked the doctor if he got everything, and he told me there was no way to be sure until they did another follow-up ultrasound. And for that, I would have to wait another 2 weeks.

No problem, right? After all, waiting is my specialty.

So my follow up was today, and I was given the all clear - finally! I also had a lining measurement of 6mm. While that is not ideal (8-10mm would be better), my baseline measurement is usually only around 4mm, so this is an improvement.

I feel like we may be getting a little closer to exiting the space in between. Either my fertility is returning and my lining is healing or this pregnancy was a once-in-a-lifetime fluke. Either way, I feel like I should know the answer by the end of the year. And that is a great feeling.

On a sort of unrelated (but not totally) note...we made a big decision a few weeks ago. We've decided to sell our house and move. This home was bought with the intention of being our starter house, plus we feel like we could really benefit from a change of scenery. Maybe our new house will bring us a new baby. Or at least a new swimming pool! ;-)

Still waiting...

2010-07-11T22:08:00.003-05:00

I saw the doctor again last Thursday. He did another ultrasound and confirmed...yep, we are still waiting (which I already knew). He was fine with us continuing to wait, but I had been talking to some friends and hearing about a drug called cytotec that can speed things along. I asked him about it, and he wrote me a prescription. I filled it, but once I got home I began doing some research about the drug. I very quickly changed my mind and decided to just stay the course and keep waiting. Believe me, it's NOT fun, but it didn't take me long to decide that cytotec is not for me.

I can't help but think...if things had gone well, I would be in the second trimester now. We would be choosing nursery decor. I would be wearing maternity clothes. We would be just a few weeks away from finding out if it was a boy or a girl. But now I guess we will never know.

Hope for healing

2010-06-26T19:30:00.002-05:00

This post is kind of weird and misplaced. But that's okay - this entire year has been weird!

I was just sitting on the couch, flipping through a People magazine that my mom passed to me. I know, it's a wild and crazy Saturday night activity. I never buy People magazine. She never does either, but she was on a flight home from New York City on Friday...anyway...

I came across a photograph of Mark McGrath and his fiancee and their new twins. The caption is a quote from McGrath that reads,

The journey to parenthood "wasn't magic unicorns and rainbows, " says McGrath. "We were very lucky; it took a lot of work to get here."

I reread it 3 or 4 times. I think I am newly endeared to Mark McGrath.

What he said was so true - this journey is surely not magical. But I think if we could be fortunate enough to come out on the other side, we could feel lucky too.

One wonderful thing this baby did for me was show me that I *can* feel healed. Totally healed. I have always said that no matter the outcome, I will be forever scarred by this experience. It's the type of thing that heals to a certain degree with time but never, ever goes away completely. But I think I was wrong. This baby healed me temporarily. It was as if everything that happened before that positive pregnancy test just melted away. I went to Babies R Us - a dreaded activity, as I've made many trips to shop for gifts over the past few years until I eventually just stopped giving baby gifts altogether. I walked the aisles in excitement and felt amazed at all the new things for babies. Apparently a lot has changed over the past six years.

But the most important thing is that it didn't hurt anymore - at all. And that gives me a great deal of hope. No, this journey isn't unicorns and rainbows...but the end result could be truly magical.

It's not my fault

2010-06-14T20:38:00.002-05:00

At the pressuring of some friends and family, I called the nurse's voicemail line on Friday. It had been 3 weeks since our last ultrasound and still no miscarriage. I had been putting off the call for several reasons.

1. I was succeeding brilliantly at putting the whole ordeal out of my mind. I thought of calling a few times, but always in the evenings when the office was closed. I seemed to forget about it during the day.

2. I was afraid I would get news I didn't want to hear.

3. I'm still in this lovely state of mind that nature will take care of things in its own time.

Anyway, I had been told it could be "a few weeks", and I really couldn't deny that after three weeks passed, I was probably leaving the territory of "a few" and entering the land of "a lot". So I called.

The nurse returned my call within 30 minutes, which is some kind of record and concerned me a bit. She said the doctor wanted to see me to do another ultrasound and talk about what is going on. We went today for our appointment, and for the first time in a long time, I left that office feeling like I had gotten good news.

Granted, it's not really good news. But when I say it was good, there is an implied "under the circumstances" in there somewhere.

The ultrasound revealed that the sac has not grown any larger since the last ultrasound and is beginning to collapse. We got one more glimpse at the fetal pole...one last look at our baby. But we saw something else too - we saw new endometrium growing in areas where there had been none before. We observed a thickening of the lining for the first time in 3 years. Of course, this is to be expected during a pregnancy - and our hope is that some of those cells remain behind after the pregnancy is gone. The doctor couldn't guarantee us that will be the case, but I feel like there is at least a chance. There have never been any guarantees.

We sat to talk about our options, and my main concern was obviously that I would be told surgery was the recommendation. Thankfully he said the opposite. He said he agreed with me and would prefer that I continue to wait this out if I was comfortable doing so. He explained to us how American culture is more proactive in these situations, but in other countries D&C rates are much, much lower and women are much more likely to wait and let nature take its course. I'm thankful for medical interventions and I do feel they have a time and place, but I'm much more hesitant to accept interventions in my own life because I've seen enough to know they can also cause major problems. He acknowledged there was a small risk of infection involved, but he didn't feel it was a big enough risk to warrant a surgical procedure (we ALL know the risks there!!).

He prepared me for what to look for in the way of excessive bleeding when the time comes, but I've been there done that and will know it when I see it. I'm not afraid of hemorrhaging again, although I know that is also a small risk.

He also discussed with us the reason for the loss. I didn't ask him, and I'm not sure why. I guess I figured it didn't matter. The baby is gone regardless. But he offered the information anyway, and I'm so thankful he did. He feels that beyond the shadow of a doubt there was something genetically wrong with the baby. A random, genetic abnormality. It wasn't my lining. And more importantly, it wasn't anything I did wrong. I didn't know until today how much I needed to hear that.

I am a very anal pregnant person. I have a huge list of things I will not consume - I cut out caffeine 100%. I won't each lunch meat, hot dogs, Chinese food, seafood (this is easy to give up since I don't like it anyway :p ). I eat a low sugar diet. I don't take ANY medications - not even Tylenol. I tough out my aches and pains. I drink a minimum of 64 ounces of water a day, and I do not enjoy water but dehydration can cause preterm labor, sooo...

All these "rules" are based on studies I've read about potential effects on the baby. I've heard from some that moderation is the key, but to me there is no safe amount of certain substances - namely my biggest vice - caffeine. It's a scientific fact that it raises miscarriage risk. And here I was consuming it in excess.

So imagine my horror when I found out I was unexpectedly almost 5 weeks pregnant...I had been drinking an occasional glass of wine. I drank wine while I was pregnant. I didn't know, and I drank wine. :( :( :( I was indulging myself in a 3-4 cup/day coffee habit. I was drinking soda. I wasn't taking any vitamins at all. And I was basically eating junk. When I found out I was pregnant, I was immediately worried that I'd already done harm to the baby. I feel as though I am not like other women. I can't afford to do anything questionable. My body is already so fragile when it comes to pregnancy that I have to do everything in my power to optimize my chances for a good outcome. I will never be someone who can just enjoy things "in moderation" and not worry.

When we lost the baby I think I blamed myself subconsciously. I know there are women all over the place who do all kinds of potentially dangerous things during pregnancy and everything is fine for them and their babies. I know there are drug addicts who carry to term. But for some reason, I was having a lot of trouble letting myself off the hook. Here was this miracle baby that we'd waited so long to conceive, and I might have done something to harm him or her. Because I was being selfish and indulging myself in an unhealthy lifestyle, our baby might have suffered. That is such a hard pill to swallow. I quit the coffee cold turkey the moment I found out - but what if it had been too late?

When the doctor told us a genetic abnormality was to blame, I felt the weight of the world lifted from my shoulders. It is not my fault. There was nothing I could have done to change the outcome. It feels so good to say that.

So it feels like good news all around. We've now got endometrium growing in places that have been bare for years now. We didn't do anything wrong. And I don't have to have surgery at this point. Our risks for another miscarriage are no greater because of this event. Our odds of another pregnancy aren't any lower, and they might be higher.

I prayed again for the first time since this happened on Sunday at church. God knew I was angry with Him. I was having the adult version of a temper tantrum and refusing to pray for a while, telling myself, "What's the point anyway? The answer is always no." So, I didn't pray for any of the good news to come. He just sent it my way anyway. And I'm thankful for it.

The 6 month update

2010-06-01T19:24:00.005-05:00

I thought for a period of time that I was going to leave this blog behind. Our journey is three years in the making at this point, but the past six months have without a doubt been the wildest. As everything has unfolded, I've found it too difficult to write...like I was so lost in the midst of everything that was happening that I couldn't get it all down on paper.

Year One was all about working through the anger. I had become a person I didn't like to see when I looked in the mirror. I had horrible, unrighteous thoughts. I was so busy looking at others that I neglected to look at myself. Year One was ugly.

Year Two was all about sadness. Grief. Lots of tears. Why me?

Year Three was when I evolved and rose above our circumstances...I thought, anyway.

The events of the past six months have done everything possible to attempt to thrust me back into the mindset of Year One. It all began on December 22, 2009.

Jamie and I had a doctor's appointment to follow up on our last injectable cycle from the previous month. We hadn't gotten pregnant, and I braced myself for the news that would follow. But as it turns out, it's impossible to prepare yourself to hear that nothing more can be done. We had reached the end of our treatment possibilities. Basically, we were told the only thing we could do is give it time and just see what happens. Our odds of achieving pregnancy, even with treatment, were estimated to be "maybe 1%". My body never did respond well to the drugs, and 2 years of hardcore fertility treatments had really done a number on us - both mentally and for me, physically. We were done.

As we left the office, the doctor mentioned to us that if we really wanted to get serious about having a child, we should consider gestational surrogacy.

We left the office under the impression that surrogacy was never an option for us. It costs at least $65,000, and that is on the lower end. It wasn't even on our radar as a possibility. So we went home, grieved, tried to enjoy our Christmas, and started the difficult process of accepting our family as complete and moving on.

I began plotting a formal dining room in the area that is currently a playroom. And I made plans to clear out our "nursery" to move Elise's toys upstairs. I tried to embrace the idea as best I could. And I think I was making some progress in that regard.

But then it was as if the stars had aligned, and our world turned upside down for the next three months. A friend came forward and offered to be our surrogate for a low fee, and the money made itself available. Before we knew it, we were meeting with attorneys, doctors, psychologists...and things were moving in a positive direction. We had all the preliminary testing/contract/psychological evaluations completed and were literally within a few weeks of beginning the medications that would eventually lead to the creation of embryos and a transfer of our baby into the surrogate.

But then it happened. One of those totally bizarre, totally unexpected, horrible events that blindsides you on a random Wednesday afternoon. Literally overnight by no fault of anyone involved, the circumstances changed, and the surrogacy was canceled. And so it was April, and we found ourselves back on December 22nd again. With our surrogate no longer available and our emotions more fragile than ever, we were at a loss as to what our next move should be. I asked myself, "Why did God lead us this far, only to abandon us yet again?" I spent so much time praying over the surrogacy. I had felt so certain it was what He wanted us to do. And so when it failed, it very quickly gave way to self doubt.

The planning phase of the surrogacy had been extremely stressful for me, as I attempted to coordinate all the many appointments and tests long distance. I had researched everything well into the evening hours on many nights, trying to become an expert as I navigated this very tricky arrangement without the benefit of an agency. My nerves were absolutely shot. I did not want to do it again. But Jamie did, and our attorney encouraged us to keep looking. As a matter of fact, everyone seemed to want us to keep looking. But I just didn't feel like I could do it. The previous three years had taken a toll, and I felt somehow I was receiving some big, cosmic sign from the universe that I was never meant to have anymore children. But it wasn't a decision I could make alone, and I was committed to trying again if Jamie still felt he wanted to do so after a period of time (what period of time, we really hadn't decided yet).

As we were in the midst of this huge dilemma over whether to continue a search for a surrogate, we were blindsided again...

And for the next two weeks, everything made sense. The surrogacy fell through, because *I* was going to carry our baby! It was a medical miracle, as far as we were concerned. Our bloodwork all came back perfectly. My hcg was 1250 at 19dpo. At 21dpo it had risen to 2994. My progesterone was 29. It felt too good to be true. And it was. We went to our six week ultrasound to discover the baby measuring several days behind. It doesn't sound like much, but in the early stages of pregnancy, a lot can happen in several days. So we were sent home with instructions to come back in five days for another ultrasound.

"Maybe we are just off on our dates," I told myself. But I knew better. After tracking cycles and ovulation for three years, I knew I wasn't off. I knew to the exact day when we had conceived. And so it was long five days spent obsessively googling ultrasound photos and reading everything I could find that might lend some encouragement to the situation. When we returned, the baby had fallen a full week behind, and there was no heartbeat. We were told miscarriage was imminent.

So here we are now. Waiting for the inevitable. I've done a great deal of waiting over the last three years, but this wait is by far the worst of my life. I am determined to avoid another uterine surgery that would surely only leave me with additional scar tissue. So I wait. It's the strangest feeling, knowing you are carrying a child that isn't growing...dreading the moment when you are no longer carrying the baby. Wondering when it will happen. Hoping it won't happen at work. Praying it won't happen at work. Wondering if it does begin at work, if you will be able to make the hour drive home before it's too late. Contemplating how to properly honor your baby's body, because flushing him or her down the toilet is just not an option. And meanwhile, passing coworkers in the hall as they ask, "Hi, how are you today?" And just smiling and saying, "Fine." Maybe if you say you are fine, you will be fine?

And the big elephant in the room...my beef with God. We dealt with this loss back in December. I can accept Him telling me no. But it feels we are the victims of some cruel game at this point. Dangle it in front of us, and yank it away. Twice in just a few months. Gear us up to be excited at the prospects - even bring us to a point where we are discussing baby names - then yank it away.

When this all began, I found great purpose in the journey. I needed to learn things about myself, and I needed to change. I needed to learn to give others grace. I needed to do less judging and more changing of myself. I needed to get right with God. And I feel like I have done all those things. At this point, I wonder, "God, what else do I need to change before I am worthy of having my prayers answered??? What else do you want from me??? Why am I not good enough??? I was willing to accept my situation, but you have brought me so close to what I desire twice now. What are you trying to tell me? Is all of this extra pain really necessary? Why?"

And so I wait and listen for the answers as I try not to slide back into anger that I thought was left behind in Year One. Meanwhile, Year Four is now underway. Quite frankly, I am afraid to see what it holds.

Seasons of Life

2009-12-20T10:08:00.002-06:00

I got this as an email forward and loved it. It seemed very appropriate to post here.

There was a man who had four sons. He wanted his sons to learn not to judge things too quickly, so he sent them each on a quest, in turn, to go and look at a pear tree that was great distance away.

The first son went in the winter, the second son in the spring, the third son in the summer and the youngest son in the fall. When they had all gone and returned, he called them together to describe what they had seen.

The first son said that the tree was ugly, bent and twisted.

The second son said it was covered with green buds and full of promise.

The third son disagreed; he said it was laden with blossoms that smelled so sweet and looked so beautiful, it was the most graceful thing he had ever seen.

The last son disagreed with all of them; he said it was ripe and drooping with fruit, full of life and fulfillment.

The man then explained to his sons that they were all right, because they had each seen only one season in the tree’s life. He told them that you cannot judge a tree, or a person, by only one season in their life. The essence of who they are, and the pleasure, joy and love that come from that life can only be measured at the end, when all season are up.

If you give up when it’s winter, you will miss the promise of your spring, the beauty of your summer, and the fulfillment of your fall.

Don’t let the pain of one season destroy the joy of all the rest. Don’t judge life by one difficult season. Preserver through the difficult times, knowing that better times are sure to come.

Thanksgiving Update

2009-11-26T13:55:00.002-06:00

Our 4th injectable cycle has not been successful. It would have been neat timing to find out we are having a baby on Thanksgiving, but that was not in the big plan for this year. I don't have any idea what is next, and I cancelled my doctor's appointment yesterday in favor of coming home and going to the movies with Jamie and Elise.

But, we are sitting in our warm house on this Thanksgiving Day with our doggies and a beautiful little girl who was given to us to love...and each other! In a few hours we will be enjoying honey baked ham, roasted chicken, mashed potatoes, corn, green bean casserole, broccoli rice casserole, macaroni & cheese, sweet potatoes, cranberry sauce, rolls, deviled eggs, mimosas, tea, coffee, chocolate pie, and pumpkin cheesecake - we could not be anything other than THANKFUL, for we are extremely blessed.

Injectable Cycle #4

2009-11-05T20:32:00.002-06:00

I had an appointment with Dr. Dunn earlier this week, and after talking with him we decided to give this another go. In my last cycle, he was pretty happy with my response to the meds, but my body started to ovulate on its own a bit early (which is discovered through testing LH levels in the blood). This caused us to have to trigger ovulation before all the follicles were ready, thus giving us only 2 really good follicles. He thinks if we could have gone another day or so, we may have seen 3 or 4 mature follicles...which would be really super awesome and ideal. So, this time he has a plan to be sure we get that extra day.

I'll be injecting a new drug that acts as an antagonist to hold off ovulation until we are ready. The medication is called Ganirelix. In addition to the Ganirelix, I will also inject a microdose of Ovidrel (same medication as the trigger shot, but smaller dose). I didn't ask if I would also be injecting the Gonal-F on the same days as the microdose of Ovidrel and the Ganirelix...I need to ask about that, but I have a few more days before it will become an issue.

I started the Gonal-F injections today (same dose as last cycle, 75iui). First scan will be on Monday.

Part of me thinks I am crazy to go down this road again - especially during the holidays - but overall I am really glad to be trying again. We still have not totally perfected my protocol, and I'd like to have a few really great, textbook cycles before officially throwing in the towel.

I don't know if this is going to work or not, but I feel really at peace either way. When they did my baseline scan yesterday, they told me I have a cyst and had to send me down to the lab for bloodwork to be sure it wasn't producing any estrogen. The Melanie of 2 or 3 years ago would have been in a panic over the idea that I may have to wait another cycle, but the Melanie I am today wasn't worried at all. There are many things I've tried to control in the past, and if this whole experience has taught me one thing, it is WHO is actually in control at all times. ;)

And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.

Romans 8:27,28 ESV

Everything rides on hope now

2009-10-25T22:16:00.002-05:00

Well, I said I was done with this. I was ready to begin the process of accepting our family as complete. I meant it wholeheartedly at the time. But now I am changing my mind.

I've had a series of very vivid dreams over the past 10 days or so. All involving babies - specifically me having them. They are the most wonderful dreams. The pregnancy goes perfectly. I have an uncomplicated, natural childbirth. And I wake up just as I begin to nurse the baby for the first time. I struggle to go back to sleep so I can continue the dream. And I can't stop thinking about it.

I'm not ready to give up. I am going to call the doctor tomorrow and schedule an appointment to formulate a plan. Jamie has never been ready to give up, so he's excited. We have only 2 more weeks of football left, so the timing is good.

I could use tons of prayers, because I'm pretty nervous where this leads us if it doesn't work again.

A good day

2009-10-11T22:13:00.003-05:00

There are many, many days that I struggle. But sometimes I have good days. Today was a good day. On days like today, I feel totally happy with my family. I feel fulfilled to be the mommy of one absolutely perfect and wonderful little girl. I embrace things the way they are. It's a good feeling when it happens. :)

They say time heals all wounds. Maybe someday, all my days will feel like today. Isn't that a nice thought?

It's hard this time of year

2009-10-02T20:26:00.003-05:00

I woke up early last Saturday morning, which was frustrating because it was one of the few mornings I had the opportunity to sleep in! I think I was excited, because I was decorating for fall last weekend and thinking about the holidays. As I was laying in bed debating whether I should just get up or try to go back to sleep, I was picturing our family on Christmas morning in past years and thinking about what our family will look like on Christmas morning this year and in future years. Being a small family of three is hard this time of year.

To me, Christmas is all about kids. It's so fun to see the magic of the season through their eyes. I was thinking about watching Elise rush down the stairs on Christmas morning to check out her loot. I know I probably don't have too many of those years left with her, and I wonder if she feels lonely at our house sometimes.

About a month ago she wanted to eat dinner outside. I really don't enjoy eating outdoors (you know, bugs and all). I told her I was going to eat inside and she said, "That's okay, mommy. I'll go by myself." She picked up her plate and took it out on the back porch and sat at her little picnic table. I was surprised to see this independent streak in her, and I watched out the window as she sat and ate. I felt intensely sad to see her sitting at the table alone.

This is the same sort of sadness I feel on Christmas. I want her to have someone to open gifts beside her and play with her. Sure, we play with her, but I feel like it's not the same as having a "peer" to play with.

I keep telling myself that Elise is perfectly happy (she is). It's just hard, because this is not how I pictured my family. Yet, I know this must be how it was meant to be.

Firsts & Lasts

2009-08-20T19:47:00.003-05:00

I was never going to be one of those mothers. You know the type...the ones who stand and cry as they wave goodbye to their children on their first day of Kindergarten. I never understood why moms would feel sad as they watch their children grow, learn, and thrive. This is a good thing after all! I was certainly never going to do it.

If there is one thing Elise has taught me, it is never say never! If I were to make a list of all the things I said I would never do as a parent before I actually had a child, I shudder to think how long that list would be!

I was never going to put my child in bed with me. This particular promise took less than 24 hours to be broken.

My child was going to be taught manners and would never talk back to me. Anyone with a child age 2 or older is probably laughing at this one. Wasn't I cute and naive?

I was not going to let my child watch television.

I was never going to feed my child fast food.

And I certainly was not going to cry when my child went off to school.

As the first day of school nears, I find that I can't even think about sending her to school without crying! I am sure to be a total mess on Monday. And I absolutely loathe crying in front of people - especially strangers! I am going to try to avoid it at all costs, but I have serious doubts as to whether or not I'll be successful.

One thing about people with secondary infertility is that we know exactly what we are missing. We've had the joy of raising one baby, and we know just how wonderful it is. Milestones take on a new meaning to us, because every single first is also a last. Elise's first day of Kindergarten will most likely be the last time I ever walk my child to their classroom on the first day of school. I'm so excited for her, but it makes me intensely sad at the same time.

I don't want to give up on the dream of having another baby, but we are taking a break for an indefinite amount of time. I've always said that when the process starts interfering with our quality of life, it will be time to stop. And the past few months have not been good quality. The drugs are hard on my body and the negative tests are even harder on me emotionally. I'm not doing well, and it's affecting the quality of my parenting as well as my overall happiness - which affects Jamie's overall happiness. I can recognize when I'm in an unhealthy place, and I know I need some help this time. I need to make that first call to the counselor for an appointment, but I'm still working up the nerve. I don't mind writing about my feelings on infertility (it's actually a bit therapeutic), but I absolutely hate to talk about it. I can't have a discussion about it without crying and as I said before, I hate crying in front of people. So, this holds me back from going to see the counselor. I'm sure she sees a fair amount of crying in her office, but I prefer to be strong, independent, and self-sufficient. I've always considered myself to be a capable, self sustaining person. To admit that I need to rely on someone else isn't easy for me (just one of my many faults). But I'm working on it and getting there, slowly but surely.

I can't say if or when we might try another medicated cycle. After 7 failed medicated cycles, I am feeling pretty defeated, and I know at this point the odds are not on our side (if you recall, injections are statistically most successful within the first 2-3 attempts and we have 3 failed attempts). Emotionally I am not sure how much more I can invest before going bankrupt.

Romans 5:1-5
Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.

Not feeling it

2009-08-09T21:35:00.004-05:00

I hate to say this, and I certainly hate to be negative, but I really don't think I'm going to be pleased with the outcome of this cycle. I've known for a few days now. I guess just call it female intuition. As a matter of fact, I had a complete breakdown early Thursday morning from about 12:30am to a little after 1:00am. I haven't cried like that in a long time. It was uncontrollable sobbing, and I have no idea where it came from. Perhaps a progesterone side effect? I've never taken anything that made me cry so much. But I was laying in bed that night (not sleeping because Jamie was snoring) imagining the conversation between Jamie and I...the one where I have to look him in the eyes and tell him that I'm sorry I can never give him a baby. The one where we finally give up. I don't know how I am ever going to get through that conversation, and I feel like it's becoming more and more imminent now. I feel like anytime I really hurt over this process, I'm hurting 100x more for him than I am for myself.

One of my friends told me that the time period between 2 and 3 years of struggling with infertility is the hardest. The first year was really hard. Really hard. I spent a lot of time in a state of anger and just trying to really absorb everything and come to grips with it. The second year, I feel like we were just kind of coasting. I made peace with a lot of things during the second year - some things not even related to infertility, but the journey has made me face a lot and think about a lot of things. We were getting into the medicated cycles, and we still had a lot of options during the second year. Now the third year has begun, and the fear is setting in. We are running out of options, or at least it feels that way to me.

Jamie and I were talking this morning about sending Elise off to Kindergarten. We've been spending a lot of time shopping for school supplies, school clothes/shoes, talking to her to prepare her for the transition. It's such an exciting time for her, and I'm enjoying every minute. She's not a toddler anymore. The toddler years are so precious, but I am loving my older child even more. Jamie and I were talking about how hard it is going to be to have to start all over if we do get pregnant. I haven't changed a diaper in years, and I think I've totally forgotten how to feed a baby! It's amazing how that knowledge fades in just a few years. I guess there is something to be said for having children close together - everything is still fresh on your mind.

Right now it all just seems so completely intangible and unattainable. Dr. Dunn has passed me the information for an infertility counselor, and I am beginning to wonder if maybe I should meet her sometime. I'm not sure of the cost. I guess it might be worth finding out. What I would really love to do is just find a way to forget about all of this.

A so-so report

2009-07-30T19:49:00.003-05:00

At the scan today we learned I now have 10 follicles growing...however, only one is mature. The nurse explained to me that all 10 will release eggs, but the ones measuring on the smaller side will not be mature enough to allow for fertilization and implantation (my mature follicle measures 22, and the next largest is only 15).

My blood work revealed that my LH levels are on the rise, so I had to go ahead and trigger ovulation tonight. (For those who do not know, LH is lutenizing hormone, and this hormone level increases as your body gears up to ovulate. Since my levels are already rising, this means my body is about to ovulate, so we cannot stimulate any further to give the smaller follicles time to mature.) This means we will most likely only have one mature egg. Even though I still remain optimistic, this is a bit disappointing...I can get one egg all on my own without medication. So, I'm feeling a tad bit defeated - like I just injected myself for a week for nothing. I'm already anxious to see the doctor and ask all my questions - mainly...WHAT'S NEXT?

But then I remind myself that we could very well get pregnant this cycle. God can direct this process, and it only takes one egg to make a baby. So, we are okay.

Worrying ends where faith begins.

Another scan, another update

2009-07-29T20:12:00.003-05:00

I now have six follicles in various stages of maturity (they range from 10-16, with 10 being the smallest measurable size). Yikes. Four of them are on the left and two are on the right. I read the ultrasound myself before I even saw the nurse (yes, I have this ability now), so I knew there were six right away. I was really nervous this would mean another cancelled cycle. Luckily my estrogen seems acceptable to the doctor, and we are still moving forward. The nurse said we will trigger before all the follicles are mature enough to release eggs - she expects us to release 2 or 3 eggs. I'm staying on 75iui tonight and I'll be checked again tomorrow. I was hoping to avoid yet another trip to the medical center over my lunch hour, but it is for a good cause. I'm anxious to see what happens tomorrow and find out when we will ovulate. I'm still hoping for 3 mature follicles, but at this point I'll consider us fortunate if we don't have to cancel. We will be thankful for whatever we get.

My lining measurement increased slightly to 6mm, so if we could thicken it even more, that would be an added bonus.

Injectable cycle #3, scan #2

2009-07-27T20:20:00.002-05:00

Got that? :) Good, because I've lost count of how many scans I've had over the past few years! The ultrasound tech and I are on a first name basis. I always get the same lady, and she doesn't even have to give me any directions anymore. We are on the same page.

But I digress...

Okay, everything was looking good today. I have 3 follicles maturing on the left side - this is great, because our goal was to see 3 follicles this time. So, yay! Let's hope they continue to grow. My E2 number was 496. Again, yay, that is right on target.

Interesting that I'm all of a sudden producing follicles on the left. I've *always* ovulated from the right side. Hmmmmm. Well, good to know my left ovary is still alive over there! I'm sure my right ovary appreciates the break. ;) Hey, way to contribute to the cause, left ovary!

I'm still feeling very optimistic. As a matter of fact, I've made a very serious effort to not forget one single dose of my vitamins lately, and I've also added a probiotic back into the routine as well. I've been meaning to do that anyway to prepare for what is sure to be a wicked upcoming flu season...so now is a great time!

I have another scan and more bloodwork on Wednesday. For now there will be no change in the med dose...it's working just as we want. I think I'll get a date for the trigger shot on Wednesday afternoon after my bloodwork comes back from the lab. I'm getting excited!!

Time for another new song. :)

The Gene Machine

2009-07-25T22:18:00.005-05:00

As we were exploring the game room at Dave & Busters tonight, I happened to notice a small photo booth. It was called The Gene Machine. It takes a photo of you and your partner, then generates a picture of what your children might look like. Of course I couldn't resist. So, in case we never get to find out for sure, we now have a picture of what our son and daughter might look like. It was fun, and I think they are pretty darn cute! We aren't too sure what is going on with our future son's ears, though. LOL

Sorry they are blurry - it's a picture of a picture.

Injectables Take Three - AKA Third time's a charm!

2009-07-23T20:04:00.004-05:00

I had a great appointment today - There is no cyst!!!!!! What an obvious and definite answer to prayer. This is the first time I've been able to do medicated cycles back to back.

Dr. Dunn told me that he does not believe my test was faulty. He said the loss was most likely due to a chromosomal abnormality...in other words, my lining was functioning properly and we did achieve implantation. He said we should all be very encouraged by this - and we are!

He ideally wants to see me produce 3 follicles, so he said we will try to push my body a bit further this time. He commented that we still have a lot of wiggle room for adjustments between the dose from my first injectable cycle (125iui) and the dose from my second injectable cycle (50iui). So, for the third try we are going with 75iui, and we'll see how I respond.

He shared with me 2 stories about patients in his practice who became pregnant this year with 5mm lining. He said function is sometimes more important than thickness (not totally sure what that means, but it sounds good). :)

So, I just took my first injection tonight and I am feeling more optimistic than ever. I'll have a scan and bloodwork on Monday.

Worrying ends where faith begins

2009-07-17T19:48:00.004-05:00

It's been an interesting few days. Very early yesterday (Thursday) morning I got a very, very, very faint positive pregnancy test. When I say very faint, I mean 'I can see the line standing on my head with the test tiled exactly 67 degrees to the left' faint. I had to get a few other people to look at it just to be sure I wasn't dreaming the line into existence. I knew immediately it was not a viable pregnancy (if it was even a true positive result rather than a faulty test or evaporation line). At 12dpo the line would be much darker in a healthy pregnancy. Still, of course I let myself hope a little bit. After all, I've gone more than 2 years and peed on more tests than I care to admit and this was the first one that showed any promise whatsoever. When I got home last night I rushed in and took another test, and I wasn't surprised to see a clearly negative result. So, either it is a chemical pregnancy (a super early loss) or it was just a fluke with the test. I tested again this morning just to be sure. I was up for 2 hours in the middle of the night last night with cramping, so I thought *maybe* my little one was just a slow starter...wishful thinking, but it felt good to think positively for a while and daydream about a potential baby. I haven't done that in a long time. The baby would have been due on March 27 - yes, I even let myself look it up.

I called the nurse this morning after getting another negative HPT. I was hoping she would let me discontinue the progesterone, because it's making me slightly (okay, very) crazy. Much to my disappointment, she said maybe it's just too early, and I should continue the suppositories until my follow-up with Dr. Dunn next Thursday. They want to do a blood test to be sure I'm not pregnant before eliminating the progesterone. As much as I hated to hear that, I'm just trying to be at peace with everything.

My mantra for this coming week is going to be, "Worrying ends where faith begins." I have faith. This is going to work out one way or another. I'm not going to worry about how. I really believe there was a baby. And this is encouraging - we are finally getting somewhere. I feel like if I could do another injectable cycle back-to-back, maybe my lining could be thickened enough to help the next one stick. I'm focusing my prayers on a clean, cyst-free scan once a new cycle begins. This hasn't happened for me in the past, but I know it can happen in the future. The shots are working, and I just need to catch a break.

Thank you, God for that positive test. It gives me the extra determination I really needed to keep going. And I'll let Him do the worrying for me now.

And because my songs change with my moods, I have a new one that I love. Enjoy! :)

Daydreaming

2009-07-11T09:05:00.002-05:00

For the past few days I've been torturing myself by visiting the pregnancy forum on a message board. I normally stay out of that area for obvious reasons. But I've been thinking about pregnancy non-stop since I took the trigger shot, and I cannot help myself. I specifically LOVE to read birth stories. When Elise was born, nothing went as planned. Although, looking back now, I must admit I didn't have a very concrete plan in the first place. I knew I didn't want an episiotomy, and I wanted an epidural...but that was about it. I had planned to take classes, but I ended up on bedrest and could not. So I read a few books, and I guess I was just going to wing it!

I would do things so differently the second time around.

It's one of the hardest things to cope with now - the fact that I learned so much from my experience with Elise, and I want so badly to apply that knowledge with another baby. I think I would be so much better next time - at the birth and afterwards. I think I would succeed at breastfeeding. I would handle the exhaustion with more grace, because now I know it gets better. I wouldn't panic in each new stage, because I know they pass. I would make different childcare choices. And I would have someone to share it with now. The list is endless.

Most of all, I want the chance to have the birth experience that I want. I've spent quite a bit of time lately daydreaming about how I'd like to give birth. I would definitely go natural next time (but by choice and not as a result of circumstance!). I've done it once, and I know I can do it again. I'd love a water birth. And I will definitely hire a doula. Along with the excitement of giving birth the second time around, there will be some fear and anxiety. I know I will be at high risk for placenta accreta, hemorrhage, and possible hysterectomy. I will need to keep things calm and focused.

Giving birth is such a personal experience, and when circumstances cause you to lose control over the experience, it's a difficult pill to swallow. I don't know that I've ever moved beyond it. I think having another child could be very therapeutic in that respect - kind of like I could reclaim the process for myself. Of course, it's just one of many reasons we want a baby, but I've been thinking about it constantly since Elise's birthday. I always remember her delivery on her birthday, and I hate that it causes me pain to recall that day. It was scary in the first place, since the delivery happened to so quickly, and it was also the day that I lost my ability to have more children. It makes the memory of her birth very bittersweet.

I want to make a new memory.

Five Years Ago Today

2009-07-04T12:00:00.003-05:00

I had just been released from the hospital. I was so excited, because I got to spend the 4th with family and see the fireworks instead of being stuck in that darn hospital bed. Little did I know that just 2 days later, my precious Elise would be born.

Gosh, I can't believe it has been 5 years.

I always think about that day on July 4th. My life was about to change so much - and as it turns out, it changed more than I could have ever expected. Back then, I never thought I would be sitting where I am today, that is for sure. Being infertile is just one of the many things that lie before me in that picture. It's amazing - I'm not even the same person anymore. I've learned so much and grown in so many ways...and I do think my hair style has improved as well. ;)

The update from today's scan

2009-07-02T12:39:00.001-05:00

We still have 2 follicles on the right (none worth measuring on the left). They are now at 18 & 16. E2 is 920. Lining is 6mm. We are going to take the trigger shot tomorrow morning. We're feeling optimistic, and would appreciate all the prayers we can get!

Because I am a dingbat

2009-06-30T19:00:00.002-05:00

My whole schedule is thrown off by a day. I spaced out on Monday (which seems pretty much the norm for me these days) and forgot to show up for my scan and blood work at 11:00. I got a call around 12:30 asking why I didn't come in. I really didn't have a good answer for that! I just FORGOT. Pitiful. You would think this would be a big enough priority for me that I would remember to keep my appointments...and it IS, but I just don't know what happened. So anyway, they told me not to worry (yeah, right) and just to continue the same dose of Gonal F one more night and come in the following morning. So, I went in today thinking I might have messed things up if my meds needed adjusting.

God is looking out for us at all times, and things went just fine in spite of the fact that I become more flighty with every passing day. I've got a much more reasonable response on the lower dose - 2 follicles (14 & 11) on the right as well as 4 smaller ones. 7 small ones on the left. My E2 number is 498, which is just about textbook. At this point last time it was already well over 1,000 and way too high. So, it appears from today's appointment that we will not be canceling this time! Hooray!

Of course, there's always a slight bump in the road to accompany good news. My lining is only measuring 5mm. Apparently with lower estrogen numbers comes a thinner lining, which I suspected. But I'm learning that this is my body now, and it's probably not going to change. So, what we need is for God to orchestrate this whole process on our behalf and get the eggs fertilized and guided towards a friendly place to hang out for about 9 months...there has got to be at least ONE spot where an embryo could implant SOMEWHERE in there. So, we're praying it will be God's will for the embryo to find that little spot. The good thing is that my right side is better than my left, and I seem to always produce eggs on that side. So, things are working in our favor in that respect.

Dear Lord, please just do the rest for us!!

I go back on Thursday morning for another scan and more blood work. I'm thinking I may trigger ovulation on Thursday or Friday if things are still progressing nicely at that time.

Injectables - Take Two

2009-06-27T10:16:00.003-05:00

We started a new injectable cycle on Tuesday. I took my first injection on Thursday, and will be scanned and have bloodwork on Monday. We're on 50 iui instead of 125 iui this time. We will see how it's looking on Monday, and the doctor may or may not adjust the dose.

I have a friend who also uses Dr. Dunn who just recently got pregnant on her 3rd injectable cycle. It's really given me hope - her first 2 cycles were canceled, and the doctor told her there was probably nothing more he could do. She asked to try just one more time, and on the third try her body responded totally differently and she got pregnant! She has been trying longer than me, and I'm just thrilled for her. She's also given me some hope that we still have a chance too.

Jamie said he thinks we should start praying together at night. I love that idea, and I think we will do it.

A great post

2009-06-14T23:51:00.003-05:00

This one stuck with me, so just linking to it for those who may be interested. Jamie, Elise, and I saw the movie, and it made me cry several times. It is now one of my favorite Disney films of all time.

Read here

This is a great blog, by the way! I follow it and recommend it!

Two Years

2009-06-09T20:10:00.003-05:00

I let our 2 year TTC anniversary pass rather quietly on June 1st. I thought I'd have more to say at this point, but I'm finding myself lacking words when I try to post about it. I forgot about it on the actual day and remembered a few days later. I guess it's like they say: Life is what happens when we are busy making plans.

I'm enjoying our break immensely at the moment. I've lost most of the weight I gained on the injectables and I'm feeling much more like myself again. It's during these times that I begin to dread going back on the meds and question whether it's all worth it or not. I guess in order to really know if it's worth it, I'd need to know the outcome. Hindsight is 20/20 and all.

We are leaving next week for our vacation, and I refuse to give it much thought until we get home. A few days in the crystal clear blue water and white sand will be good for me.

I think the one year anniversary was much harder.

The new song is perfect for my current mindset. We're still standing!

The True Blood TTC Plan

2009-06-07T21:50:00.002-05:00

Anyone that has struggled with infertility will be able to appreciate the sentiment of this post. Those who haven't will probably just think we're weird. Sometimes laughter is the best medicine, and Jamie and I have developed a somewhat sick sense of humor lately when it comes to our situation.

We've been watching Season 1 of True Blood in the evenings after Elise goes to bed for about a week now. We're trying to get totally caught up for next Sunday, when new episodes begin on HBO. After all, let's face it - summer TV is scarce at best, so we are kind of getting into this series to have something to watch. It's pretty entertaining.

So, Jamie tells me today that he's got a new TTC plan for us. We call it the Jason Stackhouse TTC Plan. Jamie said we need to watch True Blood every day, and every time Jason has sex with someone, we should have sex! We'll be pregnant in NO time! LOL

Gotta love it.

Getting the word out

2009-05-09T15:31:00.003-05:00

I know I've mentioned my frustration with the lack of information available about Asherman's Syndrome and the risks of D&C surgery. I belong to a support group for women with AS, and wanted to post this at the request of the author. Please check out her website and share this with others. Knowledge is power! This is near and dear to my heart, since Keely's story is very similar to mine.

*********************************************

Dear Fellow AS Sisters,

My D&C website is finally up and running! It's at http://www.dandcnow.info/

When I was first diagnosed with AS, I had this overwhelming sense that I had to do something to help prevent it from happening to other women. I had searched the internet for years and couldn't find answers on any of the major sites as to what was happening with me (WebMD, About.com, etc.) following my D&C in 2005 for retained placenta after the birth of my only child.

After speaking with Dr. March before my first surgery with him in January of 2008, I decided that information about D&Cs needed to be available to all ,and thus . . . the creation of my D&C website. It has evolved greatly over the past year, due in large part to the contributions from the doctors: Dr. Indman, Dr. Isaacson, Dr. Gallinat, Dr. March and Dr. Vancaillie. If it wasn't for Dr. March, I wouldn't have created this website (on so many levels). He was instrumental in spending countless hours with me, editing, discussing, helping me contact the other doctors, etc. The site has evolved beyond my wildest dreams.

I would like to ask each one of you to please forward my website to your family and friends. I need as many links to relevant websites and blogs as possible to help women find this site when they search on Google and other search engines.

This is all I ask, please have people read this site and link to it, so that it can be found by the women who need the information.

Thank you for your support,
Keely

Postponing our next injectable cycle & counting our blessings

2009-04-30T20:55:00.002-05:00

Jamie and I have decided to postpone any further medicated cycles until we get home from Jamaica. This means we'll sit out the next 2 cycles. I'm really at peace with this decision. I finally started a new cycle yesterday, and boy did it come with a vengeance. I was literally in bed in the fetal position for about 2 hours until I finally caved and took some Advil. I have tried REALLY hard to stay away from it, because I know it's not good for the lining. But I was not going to make it without some help last night. I took 2 and was still miserable, so I ended up taking 4 to get relief. I hate that I did it, but oh well. I don't know what it was about the Gonal F cycle that made it so horrid, but I can tell you that I do not look forward to doing that again. I don't know what I would have done if it had happened at work, so I am really thankful I was at home. I'm now wondering if my endometriosis has returned. That kind of pain isn't normal.

Our decision to wait was prompted by 3 things. The first and most obvious is the cysts. I know I'm out for this cycle anyway as I wait for them to reabsorb. The main thing is our vacation. I did the math and figured out that I would be finished with the injections and doing the progesterone suppositories by the time the trip rolls around. In theory I could do that while traveling. In practice, I choose not to put myself through it. I know I'm going to have side effects and may not feel very good while taking it - I felt pretty cruddy during the luteal phase of my last Gonal F cycle. Also, I really would like to be able to wear my bikini without fear of progesterone leaking everywhere! Then there is the issue of taking the suppositories through security at the airport. I am sure I could get through, but I don't really feel like explaining it to the security agent!

Then there is the 3rd reason we are waiting. As I've mentioned, I belong to 3 online communities for moms. Two are smaller private groups, and one is a larger public message board. I'm most active on the large board, and this is a group of women who I've been with for somewhere around 6-7 years. Most of us met on a fertility related site, and we've made a few migrations to different boards as our needs have changed (and sometimes out of necessity due to drama). It's really hard to describe the bond we feel for each other to people who are not involved. Most of us have never met in person (although I have met a few, which is super fun!), but we've been through so much together and gotten VERY close over the years. We've been through marriages, divorces, tons of births...and unfortunately a few deaths. Over the past few weeks, our group has been hit with tragedy twice. One of our members lost her husband following a 5 month battle with cancer at age 33 and another member lost her 8 month old daughter in a very sudden and unexpected manner. To say these 2 horrible tragedies have shaken us as a group would be an understatement.

I really can't come here and feel sorry for myself right now. I've cried for my friends so much over the past few weeks. I've hit my knees and thanked God for Jamie and Elise more times than I can count. I find myself at a total loss for words, and I wish there were something I could do for these 2 dear women who have experienced something no one should ever have to experience. All of a sudden, being infertile does not seem all that bad. If this were the worst thing that happens to our family, we are incredibly lucky.

So, I find myself not as focused on getting pregnant right now.

Of course, I still desire a baby. But I feel like the best thing I can do at the moment is just appreciate what I already have.

It's slipping away

2009-04-26T23:26:00.002-05:00

For those who read my other blog (It Feels Like Today), you may have noticed my recent post with all the pictures of Elise sleeping. I was just looking back at those tonight. They are some of my very favorite pictures of her. It dawned on me while looking at some of the sleeping baby pictures...my memories of that time are slipping away. And all of a sudden I feel so sad. I am trying really hard not to be sad that Elise is growing up. After all - this is a great thing! I can have full conversations with my daughter now. She is blossoming and growing into a young girl. This is what I want for her! But at the same time, I am losing track of what it felt like to hold a baby. I have to really strain to remember what it was like to greet her each morning in her crib and pick her up & snuggle her. I know EVERY mother goes through this at some point - regardless of how many children she has. There comes a day when the oldest child is no longer a baby, and the memories begin to fade. It's a universal thing we all experience. I guess in my case, I just feel a little sad that I didn't grasp how important it was at the time. I really took for granted the fact that I would do it all again. Now, here I am faced with the fact that I may never do it again. And I just wish I'd cherished it a little bit more back then.

We had a really great sermon at church today. I've been thinking about it all day. Our pastor is beginning a series on prayer - and what a fantastic subject for me right now! God knows exactly what I need to hear. Anyway, the topic today was focused on some misconceptions about prayer as well as learning about what prayer is meant to be and what it can do in our lives. Something the pastor said has really stayed with me. He was talking about how many incidences there are in the Bible about God being ready and willing to answer prayers - just waiting to be asked. He is there and ready to answer many of our prayers - but first we have to ASK. It dawned on me as he preached that I have never directly asked God for a baby. I've prayed about our situation extensively, but I've never actually come out and directly asked Him for a baby. I guess on some level I have viewed that as a bit overly presumptuous. I tend to focus my prayer on other things - such as asking for strength or grace, asking for His will to be done in our lives, asking for clarity, etc. But maybe what God really wants to hear is my true desire for a baby? Perhaps I need to ask him directly?

I struggle with this concept quite a bit, since obviously God does not answer every single prayer in the affirmative. If this were true, my friend would not have buried her husband today - on what would have been his 34th birthday. She would not have been sitting in that church with her 3 boys under the age of 5 bidding farewell to their beloved father. So, part of me wonders...why bother asking for anything? At the end of the day, His will rules regardless of our desires. But then the Bible tells us to go to God in prayer and He will listen. I'm very torn on this issue right now. I want to be faithful and obedient, but at the same time, I am just not sure whether or not prayer can really change things in our case. Part of me thinks that it can't hurt and it might help - so why not? But I know this is the wrong attitude. Until I can get to a point where I truly believe that taking my wish for a baby directly to God can actually change things, it probably won't do any good to do so. Up until that point, it's just empty words.

So, I think this will take a bit more consideration on my part.

Update from last week's appointment

2009-04-25T08:18:00.003-05:00

I talked with Dr. Dunn last Wednesday and got a scan. As it turns out, I do not have a cyst. I have THREE cysts! I just kind of giggled when they told me. I mean - what can you do, right? :) I think it was to be expected - but wow - THREE!

So, the nurse told me to stay on the birth control pills until the entire pack is gone. I'm supposed to get checked again when my next cycle begins. I'm not really expecting the cysts to be gone at that point, so I am going to make an educated guess that we're sitting out at least one more cycle to give them some time to reabsorb. I'm at peace with it. I'll just be thankful when I'm finished with the birth control, because some very weird things are happening to me, and I am wondering if it has anything to do with all the hormones.

I woke up on Thursday feeling like I'd been hit by a truck. I have a lot of pain that seems to be entirely concentrated on the right side of my body - interestingly enough, all 3 cysts are on my right ovary. Hmmm...

Anyway, I am just rolling with it. :)

The plan for my next cycle (whenever we get the all clear) will be to take the Gonal F injections again, but a much lower dose - less than half the dose from last cycle. We are getting closer to our vacation to Jamaica now, so it may have to wait until we get back. I won't be able to do an injectable cycle while out of town, since I have to go in every other day for monitoring. It will work out one way or another! Hey, maybe I'll get knocked up the natural way while we're gone! A girl can dream, right??

Dr. Dunn mentioned egg donation to me during our visit. He said I was such an amazing responder to the meds that I might consider it. He said I have a lot of physical traits that are "in demand" from those who are purchasing donor eggs. I've been thinking about it a lot since we talked. Part of me really wants to do something to help an infertile couple achieve their dream of having a baby - but the larger part of me just can't part with my DNA. I think it would haunt me to know I potentially have babies out in the world who I've never seen and can't raise myself. It sounds weird, but I think I would worry about them. So, unfortunately, I don't think I'm going to donate. :(

You can't do it alone

2009-04-12T21:35:00.008-05:00

I want to talk about transgressions tonight. I know it seems unrelated to my infertility journey, but bear with me. Today is Easter - the single most important day in the Christian faith. The belief in the fact that Jesus went to the cross and made the ultimate sacrifice to save us from our sins is the cornerstone of Christianity. Because God loved us so much that he sent his only son to die for us so that someday we could live in Heaven with Him is the ultimate showing of grace and mercy. We are saved through grace and mercy alone. Because we could never be good enough on our own. No human could ever be perfect enough to earn a spot in Heaven with Jesus based on our actions on earth - we all fall short of the standard He set for us. We all have transgressions.

It is on this day each year that I think most about my transgressions. I think this is even more true this Easter than any other before. I've mentioned several times how dealing with infertility has brought me back to my faith. I've always considered myself a Christian, but I think for a long time (okay, most of my life) I was a Christian in name only - not in action. I think most Christians are aware of their sins on the surface. This has always been true for me. But at some point, just in the last few months, I have really recognized the depth of my sin. I see how it has been pervasive in my life and the number of excuses I have made for myself.

"Lord, I know I shouldn't speak unkindly about so-and-so, but they have spoken unkindly of me."

"Lord, I know I shouldn't gossip, but everyone gossips."

"Lord, I know I should honor my parents, but sometimes they are unfair."

"Lord, I know I shouldn't use your name in vein, but it just slipped out that once."

"Lord, I know the glory for every single blessing in my life belongs to you, but I really like to take some of the credit myself."

"Lord, I know I should not be greedy, but I really want xyz."

"Lord, I know everything I own truly belongs to You, but I just want to keep this one thing for myself."

"Lord, I know you taught us the Golden Rule, but it's just too hard to live by."

"Lord, I know you have a perfect plan for my life, but what about MY plans?"

If I take a long, hard look at myself, it is hard to find an area in my life where I have truly made a sustained effort to live as a Christian. I've always believed in God & I accepted Jesus into my life many years ago, but I've never truly submitted to Him - until now.

I'm having an epiphany of sorts over this realization. A really common question for people enduring infertility is "Why me?" I think I may finally understand the answer to that question in my case. Because if it were not for this struggle, I don't think I would have taken this long, hard look at myself. I've been a very fortunate person in life. Success has come easily to me in nearly everything I've attempted. I was a wonderful student, an all-state athlete, went to college on scholarship, built a successful career. I have a gorgeous little girl who is bright & loving. Jamie and I have built a strong, loving marriage.

I spent the better part of the first year of this battle trying to handle it myself, feeling that I had it all under control. I did all the research. I put my trust in doctors, confident they could fix the problem. I felt certain we could overcome this hurdle on our own.

The truth is, we can't do this alone. We can't fix this ourselves. Doctors can't fix this. If I am ever to become pregnant, it will be through the work of God alone. He has brought me to Him in pain, on my knees, and begging for help. I am ashamed to say that I don't think I would have come to Him any other way. And He knows this about me. And because I matter to Him, He's worked in my life to get my attention. I finally hear him today, and I know I need to change my life. For the first time, I can be truly thankful for all Jamie and I have endured, because I understand that it is not without purpose. I have been slowly coming to this point for a while now, and today I am finally there.

We are sure to experience more disappointed feelings (He never promised it would be easy), but something good has come of this. In a lot of ways, it is probably the best thing that could have happened to us. Jamie and I are a stubborn pair, and He's put us together to go through this. I'm so glad that Jamie is with me in this journey, and I am thankful to God for giving me a Godly husband who wants to grow in his faith with me. We finally hear Him, and we know we can't do it alone. We will never be perfect, but we can do a better job in our daily lives. We can start truly living for Him today.

******************************************

An excerpt from a song that Jamie and I are enjoying lately...

I was sure by now
That You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

~Casting Crowns, Praise You In This Storm

Cancelled

2009-04-08T16:34:00.002-05:00

Our first injectable cycle was cancelled today following the second follicle scan and E2 blood draw.

I had 9 follicles on the right ovary today and 5 on the left. Although there were a lot of follicles, only 3 were completely mature, so I was somewhat hopeful when I left the office that I might be able to trigger tonight.

Unfortunately I just learned from the nurse that my E2 has risen to 3,333. It is just too high to proceed.

I will begin birth control pills today or tomorrow to assist my body in reabsorbing all the fluid from the follicles. It feels so wrong to take birth control at this point, and I know the pill is quite detrimental to the uterine lining so that is disappointing. I'll stop the pills after 2 weeks and return for another baseline scan once I get my next period. Hopefully from there we can adjust the medication and get a better, safer outcome next time.

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't disappointed, but I am trying not to focus on that. I'm just thankful for the doctor's wisdom and the fact that he's being cautious with my health.

I'll see Dr. Dunn on April 22nd to talk about adjusting the dose for our next try. I guess that's about it for now.

First injectable cycle, monitoring scan #1 **UPDATE

2009-04-06T14:39:00.004-05:00

Lining is measuring 7mm *insert happy dance here*

Right ovary has 5 follicles measuring 11.5, 12, 12, 12, and 13. A mature follicle is somewhere around 18-21, so they are getting there.

Left ovary has 2 follicles, both measuring 11. So 7 potential eggs for this cycle. I am sure they won't all develop to maturity, but even if just half of them do, this will be great.

There are about 8 more small follicles (all measuring 10 or less). These are not likely to develop and release eggs, though. They were training a nurse to do ultrasounds, so I actually got a bit of a lesson myself during my scan. It was neat to hear exactly how they read the ultrasound and how they measure the follicles. The nurse was very pleased with how I'm responding to the injections. She thinks Dr. Dunn will want to watch me very closely due to the number of follicles I am producing. Pending the outcome of my E2 check, I have an appointment to return on Wednesday to be scanned again.

It's a bit tricky with the holiday weekend. Normally they would want to see me Monday/Wednesday/Friday, but since Friday is a holiday, they are seeing patients on Thursday/Saturday instead. She seemed to think the doctor may not want to let me go until Thursday without being checked again. She had me go ahead and book a Wednesday appointment and said she'll call me later this afternoon to change it if necessary (depending on how the E2 comes back and what the doctor thinks when he looks at my scans).

In light of my post last night, this sounds kind of crazy...but I think this just might actually work...

***UPDATE***

Okay, just heard from the nurse. My E2 number is way high. It's 1,154, whereas last Wednesday it was only 59. She expected it to be around 500, so it's more than double that amount. I've been instructed to reduce my Gonal F dose from 125iui to 50iui for the next 2 days and return on Wednesday.

Good news - I am a good responder.
Bad news - If my E2 is too high on Wednesday, we'll have to cancel the cycle.

One step forward and 2 steps back.

How do I make myself believe?

2009-04-05T21:04:00.002-05:00

As the months have gone by, I've experienced a diminishing in my ability to believe that I can actually get pregnant. I'm not sure when this shift occurred, but somewhere along the way I have lost faith. I realized it tonight. I cannot honestly say that I believe there's still a chance. I try to talk as though I believe, but when I am honest with myself, I realize that I don't. I can remember some times along the way when I still really believed it would eventually happen. So when did I lose that optimism? And more importantly, why have I let it go??

If I am going to inject myself with high powered fertility drugs for 10 days straight, you would think I would be doing so with the belief that it could actually work. Otherwise, what sense would it make? It's like I am just going through the motions at this point, and that worries me. The mind controls the body, so I need to convince my mind that my body can get pregnant again. How do I do that??

I think I know the key, but it scares me. As long as I don't believe it's possible to get pregnant, seeing negative pregnancy tests doesn't hurt quite as much. It's almost like I've found a way to control the situation. It's a defense mechanism. If I really let myself believe again, the pain is so much worse. But I think I need to do it if I am really going to give this a fair chance to work.

But letting go and allowing myself to believe is really hard. Really, really hard. My desire to self preserve is strong. I have a life to live, a job to do, a child to raise, and a husband to love. I can't afford to be falling apart. I think I've been in denial for a long time about how I am going to feel when we reach the end of the road. Knowing that we have maybe 2-3 medicated cycles left before Dr. Dunn tells us that medicine has nothing more to offer is both relieving and daunting. I've been thinking that I'll be okay when it's over. At least then I'll know the answer and I'll be able to move on. But the truth is, I am afraid I'll be devastated.

This whole journey has changed things. It's changed me, and I'll never be the same again. It's changed our marriage - not necessarily for the worse, but I think we've each dealt with a lot and reacted very differently. Sometimes I feel like we're each going through this alone. The truth is that we've laughed a little less in the last year or so. We've gone to bed angry a few times. The contrast between our first year of marriage and our second and third years is dramatic. The first year was pure bliss. It was hands down the happiest year of my life so far. I really don't think my feet even touched the ground during that time - it was a high unlike any other. And the only thing that's changed since then is infertility. We're still happy, in love, and committed, but it's tempered by stress and sadness much of the time. I think I've changed more than Jamie. I might even go so far as to say that I am the only one who has noticeably changed. I've closed myself off to him quite a bit - buried myself in message boards and books. I think it's the way I've handled my grief, and I know it needs to change.

Sometimes I wonder if it's been worth it. As much as I want another child - and specifically a child that is half me and half Jamie - the effort to make it happen is coming at a high price. I know even when this all ends, we'll never be able to rewind back to the first year feelings. We're different now. We've been through this together, and it's changed us. We can't do one of the major things God commands married people to do. That is a major disappointment, but it's also given us strength. We're a team through it all. I just wish it could have been different. But here we are, and there's a reason for the path we've taken to get here. Don't ask me what it is, because I have NO idea.

I wonder if Jamie still believes? We haven't talked about that - truthfully we don't talk about these things much anymore. I think he tends to be more optimistic than me. I hope he believes. I wonder if he would tell me if he didn't?

Let the poking commence!

2009-04-02T20:48:00.000-05:00

I haven't been sleeping all that well, so forgive me for the dumb title.

I was scanned yesterday and the cyst is gone! So, I began the Gonal F injections last night. They also did a blood draw yesterday - I think to get my baseline E2 and FSH numbers. I'll have to go for 3 appointments next week to be monitored. They'll measure the E2 each time as well as do scans. This will allow them to keep close track of how I'm responding to the meds and adjust my dosage if necessary. I believe my last shot will be on Good Friday. Then if all looks good, I should do the trigger shot that day and ovulate sometime on Easter Sunday.

That is kind of a neat thought, should this cycle be successful. :)

The Gonal F shot hurt worse than the trigger shot, but it did not leave a bruise and I have minimal soreness today, which is great. I think I could inject the same site again tonight if had to, but I am going to move them around a bit. From what I understand, I'll get better absorption if I change the injection site each time.

I'm glad to finally be doing something again, but I am also nervous. Since I know this is basically our last option, I worry about my disappointment level if it doesn't work. And I do realize the odds are not in our favor. At the same time, I am glad to be close to an answer, either way.

My writing is not very interesting these days, but at this point I am tired and just trying to get everything documented.

I am waiting

2009-03-27T22:35:00.002-05:00

I've been loving this song lately, so I decided to have it playing on my blog. It's the perfect song, I think. But I do wonder when I'll stop waiting and just start living. Soon I hope.

Okay, I feel REALLY bad saying this...

2009-03-14T22:25:00.005-05:00

But sometimes - not always, but every once in a while - it really, really bothers me when pregnant women complain. It's sooo wrong of me to feel that way, because I certainly did my fair share of complaining when I was pregnant with Elise. Pregnancy is uncomfortable. It makes you nauseous, gives you heartburn, makes you swell, makes it virtually impossible to find a comfortable way to sleep...you get the idea. I know all these things through firsthand experience. That's why I feel guilty for thinking badly of other women when I hear them complain. There were some days when I was pregnant with Elise when I felt truly miserable. And I can remember for at least the first 6 months or so after she was born, every time I'd see a heavily pregnant woman I would actually feel sorry for her!

It is strange being on the other side of things now. I'll catch a snipet of a conversation from time to time and hear someone griping about being pregnant, and for a moment or two I'm tempted to snap at them, "Do you even know how lucky you are?? Shut up and quit complaining. You are so blessed." Of course I would never actually say anything. But I have to admit the words do pop into my head.

The really sad thing is that if I ever do get pregnant again, I am sure I will find myself complaining at one point or another. If that ever happens, I am going to have to come back to this post and remind myself to shut up!

Was I just talking about patience?

2009-03-12T20:01:00.003-05:00

A new cycle began yesterday, so I went in today for my baseline scan and to learn how to mix and inject the Gonal F. I was ready to get the show on the road, and then we ran across a bit of a problem. A large follicle on my right ovary was picked up on the scan, so they sent me down for bloodwork to check my estrogen. The nurse explained to me that if the follicle was producing estrogen, we would have to call off the cycle. This is because the follicle is not producing an egg, and if we were to proceed with the injections, it would cause that follicle to grow rather than maturing "good" follicles that contain eggs. So, there is your crash course on ovarian cysts.

Anyhow, they had my results this afternoon, and sure enough, I have a cyst. I was all geared up to begin injections tomorrow, but now it will have to wait another cycle. I'm a little disappointed, mainly because I've been anticipating this new course of treatment for a few weeks now. But it's ironic considering that I was just posting about patience earlier in the week. So, it's okay. We'll try to do it the natural way this month, and maybe next month the cyst will be gone and we can try the injectables.

I'm trying to decide how I can best use this time to prepare my body for a potential pregnancy. It helps me to feel like I'm doing something other than just waiting. I added some extra Vitamin D in addition to my prenatal vitamin a while back after doing some research. The amount in the prenatal was not even close to what I really need. I'm wondering what other vitamins I might consider adding. I think I might spend a bit of time researching this more. A trip to the bookstore would be nice too. I want to find something light and fun to read. I'm thankful to have the day off tomorrow to regroup. Jamie and I are going to get our passports, and I am excited about that. We'll be one step closer to the sunny Jamaican beach! :)

A beautiful post

2009-03-10T14:15:00.002-05:00

Over the past few months I have become an avid follower of Bring The Rain. I know SO MANY women in the blogosphere follow Angie Smith's story, so I am certain that most have probably already seen her most recent post called The Sea and The Scarf. But I loved it, and it really spoke to me with all that we are going through (both with Elise and the infertility journey). So if anyone is reading that hasn't heard of Angie or her story, I highly recommend pouring a nice cup of hot tea and settling in for a wonderful read. Go all the way back to the first post and read them all. You won't regret it. And if Angie should ever happen upon my measley blog, I want to thank her for everything! She touches more lives than she'll ever know, I am certain.

Bring The Rain

Signs

2009-03-09T20:29:00.004-05:00

I've found that when making tough decisions or dealing with trying situations, people often look for a "sign" that will point them in the right direction. Many people pray to God to send them a sign to let them know His plan. On more than one occasion, I've heard someone in the midst of a struggle say, "I just need a sign." I think we get subtle signs from God all the time in our lives even if we aren't asking for them, but they are easily overlooked and dismissed. One thing I've worked on lately is trying to be more open to receiving messages from God.

He knows this is a weakness of mine. I am just not a very intuitive person. And since He doesn't want me to miss anything, He is getting quite literal with the signs He sends my way. They are literally signs. I mentioned a sign that I saw while driving a few posts ago (the one about counting blessings). I saw another one driving to work today - on a gas station billboard nonetheless. But I know I was meant to read it. It said, "The future happens one hour at a time."

Count your blessings. Be patient.

Okay, got it!

Yo-Yo

2009-03-07T20:30:00.004-06:00

My weight has been fluctuating like crazy lately. I was at an all time high just a couple months ago and had to go buy all new pants. My jeans are so expensive, because I have to buy designer brands to get the length I need. I have 5 new pairs of jeans that are now falling off my waist. I just bought some of them 4 weeks ago. They are all of a sudden way too big. Don't get me wrong - I am not complaining about losing weight. But the sad part is that I sold all my old, smaller pants to a resale shop. Our closet is tiny, and I just don't have room to store a bunch of sizes that I can't wear, so I got rid of them. I thought I was just getting older and this would be my "new" size. Apparently not, and I am now in a position of needing to go buy a whole new set of pants in my original size. If I didn't have to spend $100+ per pair I wouldn't mind as much. I just want to cry! I practically live in jeans when I am not at work.

I think part of my weight loss is stress-related. I think I have a strange response to stress. Most women I know want to eat when stressed, but I am the opposite. When I feel upset and/or stressed, my appetite is totally suppressed. Infertility is stressful, but I've been dealing with a lot of other junk on top of that lately. I guess that explains my weight loss - or it could be the break from Femara cycles while I was on the estrogen. Who knows. Either way, I've learned a hard lesson, and I will be saving all these jeans that are too big. I suspect I may need them again sometime down the road. And I guess I am going jeans shopping tomorrow.

*sigh*

Okay, but in keeping with counting my blessings...Maybe I can use these larger jeans later when I get pregnant and put on some baby weight! Notice I said when instead of if...I am getting better at this! :)

A good AS article

2009-03-04T21:35:00.003-06:00

One thing that has been incredibly frustrating to me is the lack of information about Asherman's Syndrome. It's something that you just never hear about, yet I feel it probably affects a lot more women than we realize. I'm a member of a yahoo group for women with AS, and this article was posted a few days ago. It's coming from the UK, but still good to see.

Click here to read

I tell women NOT to get a D&C if they can avoid it just about every chance I get. Sometimes it's necessary, but if you have other options, don't do it.

Praise! And a spelling lesson...

2009-03-03T14:45:00.005-06:00

Okay, so I have been spelling "injectable" wrong. I'm a good writer, but a terrible speller! I have now fixed my previous post, because I can't stand grammar or spelling errors.

Okay, so funny that yesterday I was just saying how my experience with difficulty in conceiving has brought me closer to God and renewed me in my faith. I've recently been working towards giving more in terms of my time and money to our church. I've volunteered to assist with our production of Journey To The Cross (please click the link and check it out - we'd love to have our friends visit and experience this great show with us - I can provide tickets), and I've been increasing my offerings as well.

Tithing is something that I've been thinking about for a long time. I know it's the right thing to do and what God commands us to do. But I have difficulty with it due to some reasons that I won't discuss. Anyway, I've talked with a lot of Christian friends and finally felt led to increase the amount I give. This was less than 2 weeks ago.

I found out today that my medication is going to be covered by insurance - all of it. What would have cost us between $1,000 and $1,400 per cycle is going to cost $150 or less. This huge savings is blessing us *in excess* of what we gave to the church. Furthermore, it is blessing us with financial peace of mind to attempt up to 3 cycles as recommended by the doctor without worry for how we will pay for the medication. I am at a loss for words, other than to say I'm feeling in awe of how God can take my offering, multiply it, and return it to me.

And good things can come of the bad...Wow.

Moving on to injectables

2009-03-02T17:42:00.003-06:00

Dr. Dunn and I met today (I told Jamie not to worry about taking another day off work). We talked about my lack of responsiveness to the estrogen patches. He said he discussed my case with a few other doctors in the practice, and the general consensus was that each of them had some patients with my condition that just couldn't ever seem to get the lining to regenerate in a favorable way. No one really knows why some people recover better than others, but it is what it is, right?

So, he said at this point, we basically have 3 options.

1. Continue the estrogen for an even greater period of time to see if we can get something good to happen.

2. Try injectable medication.

3. Find a surrogate.

I asked him what his recommendation would be at this point. He said he wouldn't try #1, simply because I've already taken so much estrogen (orally, vaginally, and patches) and we haven't gotten good results. He said he would recommend trying #2 before resorting to surrogacy. He was honest, and said the injectibles are not likely to work...but he said it is worth a try, since we want to exhaust all of our options before giving up. Injectables raise the body's natural estrogen production, and natural estrogen is always going to be better than a synthetic form of estrogen taken via pill or patch. It's going to be the identical and unique match for my body.

The injectable cycle is going to run around $1,500 per attempt. He said if it's going to work, it is usually successful within 2-3 cycles. So, you can do the math...this could be up to $4,500. For something that is not likely to work. Ouch.

Ironically enough, I was just in a discussion on Mommy's Online earlier today about the cost of fertility treatments. It's one of the hardest aspects of not being able to conceive naturally. You feel like all this possibility lies before you, but it is financially unattainable. I put $2,000 in my medical flexible spending account this year, so I have the money available to do one cycle. I feel like I *have* to try it to avoid regrets down the line should we end up not ever achieving pregnancy. What mother wouldn't pay $4,500 for their child? If it works, there is absolutely no doubt that it was worth every penny. Surrogacy runs around $30,000, so when put into perspective, it makes the injectable cycles look cheap!

At any rate, I have a whole packet of instructions. It will be a flippin' miracle if I don't screw it up. I am supposed to begin Provera immediately, which is supposed to bring on the start of a new cycle.

Then the protocol is as follows:

CD1-3: Baseline scan & lessons on doing my own injections
CD3: Begin injections (will continue daily through approx. CD11)
CD7: Scan and Estradiol level blood draw
CD9: Scan and Estradiol level blood draw
CD11: Scan and Estradiol level blood draw
CD12: Trigger shot (assuming follicles are mature)
CD14: Intercourse (how romantic)
CD16: Begin progesterone supplements (will continue daily until CD28, or until pregnancy is ruled out)
CD24-26: Schedule pregnancy test and appointment with the doctor to discuss results

I am not sure which injectible I will be taking, but I was told it will either be Gonal F or Follistim (they work in the same way). Dr. Dunn put me in touch with a mail order pharmacy that gives a $200-$500 discount on the 2nd cycle if the first cycle does not result in pregnancy. His nurse faxed my Rx over to them today.

My thoughts...Wow, one cycle will wipe out my entire flexible spending account for the year, and it's only March. I guess I should have maxed it out at $5,000. If we do get pregnant, there won't be any money left for the delivery. But I guess that would be a very welcome problem to have. Each injectible cycle requires 5 office visits, 4 of those being scans. I don't even know how to ask my boss for time off 5 times in a 28-day period. And I'll have to be gone one day soon to take Elise to the pediatrician for a behavioral evaluation (and that is a whole different story that I don't even begin to have the energy to type).

I'm pretty overwhelmed right now with the issues we are having with Elise at school. I'm overwhelmed by the cost and intense monitoring required for this upcoming cycle. We are in the midst of baseball tournament season, so I'm overwhelmed at home too. It's just a lot to deal with all at once. But I know it's all going to be okay, one way or another.

I passed a sign on the side of the road the other day that said, "Don't add up your problems. Instead, count your blessings." I'm trying to adopt this as my new, personal mantra. So, I have to end this post on a positive note. There is some hope. It might not be a lot of hope, but even a little hope is better than none. I'm blessed with a wonderful support system and family who has rallied around me during the past few difficult weeks. I've been humbled at the level of support I've received, especially from my Pitter Patter group - and I love you guys for it more than I can tell you! I'm so lucky. This journey is really causing me to grow in my relationship with God - I think this is the best part of all. And Jamie and I have been blessed with a great group of friends who called us last night and convinced us to book a 5 night trip to Jamaica with them....I am getting my escape after all! We will be in a group of 6, and it's sure to be a great time. I'll finish up by posting a link to where we will be staying. Every time I feel my anxiety level creeping up, I just click on this site and watch the pictures in the slide show. Ahhhh....I cannot wait.....

Click here to daydream with me

Escape

2009-02-26T20:01:00.002-06:00

We didn't get very good news at the doctor today. My scan revealed a lining that is essentially unchanged even after nearly 4 full weeks on the estrogen patches. So, it's not working. The nurse instructed me to keep wearing the patches and make an appointment to see Dr. Dunn next week. I got an appointment for Monday, and the first thing I did when I got home was remove the patches. I can't see any point in continuing to be miserable if there's no benefit.

I have this sudden urge to just escape. I came within an inch of booking a trip to Acapulco yesterday. For some reason, every time I get really down about all this, I get the strong desire to plan a vacation. I guess it gives me something to look forward to. Also, being on a gorgeous beach is a very therapeutic thing for me. One of my favorite moments from our Hawaii trip was sitting in the sand, right at the foot of the waves and just listening to the water and feeling the warm sun & the crystal blue water on my feet and legs. I could really use a moment like that right about now.

Jamie and I are actually giving some fairly serious consideration to a short trip this summer, even though we said we weren't going to travel this year. We're looking at a few resorts in Mexico. Jamie wants to do Cabo San Lucas, but the airfare is considerably higher in comparison to Acapulco. What I'm really hoping is that we'll talk ourselves out of this altogether and save some money. At the same time, can you really put a price on your sanity??

One week to go!

2009-02-20T21:09:00.002-06:00

I am so excited to nearly be finished with these dang patches. Of all the treatments I've done, this is by far the worst. I'd rather give myself a million shots than wear these things (well, maybe not a million). I just removed old ones and switched them out for the last 2 new ones this morning, and I have the most awful rash left behind yet again. I keep trying to move them around to different places, but going on week 4 I am out of room. Luckily time has been flying by lately, so hopefully before I know it this next week will be over and we can see how things are looking.

I am allergic to adhesive.

2009-02-12T19:00:00.000-06:00

I already knew this, but I was hoping the patches wouldn't irritate me the same way tape does. When I had to wear the holter monitor for the cardiologist back in October (whole different story), I had huge, red welts everywhere they applied the tape. And that was only for 24 hours. So, imagine how my stomach is going to look after 4 solid weeks on these things.

I change the patches once a week, so after nearly dying for the whole week last week, I moved them onto my hips this week. It's going much better, thankfully. I'm starting to look back on all the things I've done in the attempt to get pregnant - I've been through surgery, countless pills/hormones, shots, more ultrasounds than I can count, numerous blood draws, and now these patches. The patches are freaking me out a bit, because they are linked to cancer. Granted, that occurs with long-term use and should not be an issue with just 4-6 weeks of use - but STILL. It really bothers me.

Angie, thank you so much for the email. You lifted my spirits more than you could know!

A forced break

2009-01-31T09:57:00.002-06:00

Well, our plan of no breaks in 2009 did not last even a full month. When we met with Dr. Dunn yesterday, he had some pretty honest and difficult news for us. I guess I figured that was coming, but it was still a tough day. My lining isn't responding to the medication. It's actually measuring less now than it was about 6 months ago. He said this wasn't really what he expected at the time of my surgery. My body - for some unknown reason - just isn't taking over to reproduce and spread endometrium inside my uterus. There is no evidence of additional scar tissue, but my body just doesn't seem to want to recover. It wouldn't make sense to keep trying the same thing at this point, so he said he'd like for us to take a 4-6 week break and try estrogen patches. He wants me to wear 2 at a time. The patches are more effective than pills, because the hormone is absorbed directly through the skin and into my system. With pills, they must pass through the liver first, and some of the potency is lost in that process. He warned me of some side effects with the patches - mainly bloating. I am used to that by now!

At the 4 week mark, he will do a scan and see if the lining is thickening. I expect it will, but my concern (and the doctor's concern as well) is that with a few periods, it will just shed again and leave me back where I am now. Nothing is going to be a permanent fix unless somehow my body will kick it into gear and begin spreading these cells on it's own.

So, after we discussed that, he finally brought up surrogacy to me. This was a pretty big signal to me that he's beginning to reach a point where he can't help us anymore. I told him that surrogacy was basically financially impossible for us right now. He said most people try to find a friend who will do it for them at a low cost, because they love them. Unfortunately, I don't think Jamie or I have any friends that love us that much. Going through IVF and being pregnant for someone else is a HUGE sacrifice. I don't know one single person who is at a point in their life where they would do that for us at a price we could afford. Most surrogates run in the neighborhood of $30,000.

Then he gave me a business card for a counselor. I guess I must have looked pretty depressed. And I guess I am feeling depressed.

I ordered a full copy of my medical records before I left the office. I need them for the acupuncturist and I also thought I might make some additional copies and see if some other RE's might be willing to look them over and do a consultation - just to see if they have any other ideas. I guess we're grasping at straws at this point, but I want to exhaust every possibility before I give up.

I canceled my acupuncture appointment for today, because I'd rather go in after I have all my records. Plus, I guess I'm not in the right mindset today either.

So, I guess there won't really be much going on for the next month or two.

My First Acupuncture Appointment!

2009-01-29T19:00:00.000-06:00

I just scheduled my first acupuncture appointment. I am so excited!!!!!!! I truly believe in the benefits of traditional Chinese medicine, and there is scientific data to back it up as well. I spoke briefly to someone from the acupuncture clinic on the phone - he was difficult to understand! :) I will be going this Saturday for a consultation and he said they would actually do an acupuncture treatment while I am there as well. He told me to bring all my basal body temperature charts as well as my medical charts - specifically the information on my diagnosis. This works out well, since we are going to see Dr. Dunn tomorrow and I can get my records from him. I am ready to get started. The only discouraging part is that insurance won't pay for acupuncture treatments related to infertility, so I'll have to pay out of pocket. At $70 per visit this could become costly, but hey, it's cheaper than a $15,000 IVF cycle, right?

Testing out the trigger

2009-01-26T19:53:00.004-06:00

It's well known (well, among infertile people anyway) that a trigger shot will cause a woman to produce a positive pregnancy test for approximately 7 days after it is administered. I know this to be the case, but I've never tested the shot out of my system before. I know women who do this, because they want to be sure if they get a positive pregnancy test at the end of the cycle, it's not just leftover hcg from the trigger.

So, anyway, today I decided to take a pregnancy test. I've been feeling so nauseated for a few days now, and I know it's the shot tricking my body into thinking I am pregnant. I've had it all - exhaustion, nausea, cravings, you name it! I truly feel pregnant.

Sure enough, I got a positive result on my test. And I cannot tell you how much that thrills me. You have NO idea how many of these things I've peed on during the last 2 years! To see that second line pop up tonight was enough to make me giddy. Of course I know I'm not really pregnant (or if I am, it's way too early to get a positive test). But still - it's so fun to see 2 lines. It feels so much better than seeing nothing but the control line staring back at me. I am so proud of this silly pee stick that I'm considering saving it! I know people who haven't been there will think I sound nuts, but I am confident that anyone else who has ever tested out a trigger shot will understand how I feel.

Isn't it pretty??

Yesterday's Scan

2009-01-20T06:15:00.000-06:00

The follicle on the left had increased in size and is now measuring 20. I was instructed to continue the OPKs (finally got those working properly!) until Wednesday. If I don't get a positive OPK by Wednesday, I will take the Ovidrel shot to make me ovulate. My lining is still looking quite pitiful, measuring only 4mm even after more than a week of estrogen. Still, we will cross our fingers the egg can be fertilized and find a small spot to hang out for the next 9 months or so. Hey, nothing is impossible, right?

What is the deal with Clearblue Easy Digital OPKs??

2009-01-17T20:12:00.002-06:00

How the hell do you make these damn things work??

I'm college educated for crying out loud. The stupid thing keeps giving me an error.

My ovaries are confused.

2009-01-15T21:06:00.003-06:00

I had my mid-cycle scan and follicle check today. Not the greatest news, but I'm staying positive. I didn't have any mature follicles, but I had one on the left side that was measuring 10. The largest one on the right only measured 5, so it's pretty much out of the game. I'm disappointed to only have one follicle on a medicated cycle - I mean, I can produce just one all on my own.

I'm not exactly sure what's going on, but Dr. Dunn explained to us some number of months ago how Femara and estrogen would interact in cycles where we used both. Femara is stimulating the ovaries and making them work harder to produce multiple follicles. Then we come in and add estrogen, and it confuses my body. During a natural cycle, estrogen levels increase after ovulation. So, by supplementing estrogen prior to ovulation (in hopes of thickening my lining), it confuses my ovaries into thinking maybe I already ovulated...so, they stop working so hard to produce follicles. This is a tricky balancing act, because we have to find just the right amount of Femara to get multiple follicles and just the right amount of estrogen to thicken the lining without preventing the maturation of the follicles. I think the issue is we don't have the balance figured out yet. I'm on extra estrogen this time, since my lining hasn't responded in past cycles. And now I think the estrogen is affecting the amount and size of the follicles.

So, I'm trying to look at this cycle as a learning experience. Now we have some additional information about how my body responds to the drugs. And knowledge is a good thing. I'm guessing some adjustments will be made, if not some changes in the drugs I am taking next time around. I feel like I'm getting pretty close to a point where we might move on to injectibles - which is kind of scary for some reason. I guess it's scary anytime we exhaust one of our options. Plus, injectibles carry a much higher risk of twins/triplets.

I don't really like my nurse. I LOVE my doctor...but the nurse is just not very compassionate. She pretty much said she doesn't think I can get pregnant this cycle. I appreciate a straightforward approach as much as the next person, but gosh, she could at least act like she cares! After all, this news is difficult to hear.

Anyway - she wanted me to come back on Monday for another scan and continue the estrogen in the meantime. She also wanted me to start OPKs to see if I could pick up a surge sometime over the weekend. If we can get that follicle on the left to grow a bit more, we can do the trigger shot early next week and still salvage things. At this point I am just ready to move on with this new information we've gained.

II Corinthians 12:7-10

2009-01-11T20:59:00.003-06:00

"(7)And lest I should be exalted above measure through the abundance of the revelations, there was given to me a thorn in the flesh, the messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I should be exalted above measure. (8)For this thing I besought the Lord thrice, that it might depart from me. (9)And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. (10)Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then I am strong."

This was the verse on which today's sermon was based at church today, and I thought it was really great timing. God must have known that Jamie and I needed to hear a sermon about His grace. Jamie is dealing with some employment related issues at the moment in addition to all of our TTC woes, and it was just the message I think we both needed to hear.

It reminded me that God's grace is sufficient to deal with this thorn in my side. Similarly to how God told Paul that he would not remove the thorn from his side, perhaps he is telling us that he will not remove our thorn. But his grace will see us through this either way.

Medicated Cycle #4

2009-01-05T20:14:00.002-06:00

I was able to get in for a scan today, but could not see Dr. Dunn. His nurse talked to him about me, and he gave her instructions for me.

CD 3-7 5mg Femara
CD 8-13 2.5mg Estradiol
CD 13 Mid-cycle Scan

I'll need the trigger shot again this time. This means I jump right in with Femara starting today and will go in for the scan on Jan 15. She said if my follicles are mature on the 15th, she'll instruct me to do the trigger shot that day. If not, we'll continue the Estrogen for another day or 2 and then do the shot. Judging from past reactions to the meds, I am going to guess that I'll be good to trigger on the 15th. So, we should know something by the end of the month.

Feeling down

2009-01-04T22:27:00.002-06:00

I'm feeling kind of bummed tonight. And depressed. And resigned.

I need to call Dr. Dunn in the morning to see if he can work me in tomorrow. I have to get scanned tomorrow if I am going to be able to do meds this cycle. And since we never met after my last cycle, I don't have any idea what protocol he wants to do next. That means I'll not only have to see a nurse for the scan, but I'll have to sit with him as well. I don't know if they'll be able to fit me in on such short notice. I guess we'll see what happens. I'm going to be disappointed if I can't get in. Especially since I'll be in the office around 6:30am tomorrow morning to allow time for me to leave during lunch to go to the doctor. Let the fun begin.

We really should have scheduled the sit down with Dr. Dunn for sometime during this last 2 weeks when we were both off work. But we didn't really decide what we were going to do until a few days ago.

I keep telling myself to just let go. None of this is ultimately under my control anyway, so no amount of over-thinking or worrying will help. Actually it would probably just hurt.

Another year and acceptance is upon us

2009-01-01T21:02:00.003-06:00

For some reason, all of our TTC woes seem to bother me on holidays more than regular days. Especially holidays that seem to accentuate the passing of time. New Years is one of those kinds of days. Here we are, entering another year, and still no baby. And this year I don't even feel any closer to achieving that much desired goal. Last year I had a lot of optimism, since I had just had surgery in November 2007. I had a lot of reason to believe 2008 would be the year that we would get pregnant. Now that 2009 is here, I really don't have any reason at all to believe that this will be the year.

I learned from experience during 2008 that dealing with infertility causes people to experience the 5 stages of grief. At first there was denial. Why else would it have taken me several years to acknowledge that my body was not normal after Elise's birth? Then anger - I had a lot of anger. It has been primarily directed at the doctor who performed the surgery that left my uterus unbelievable scarred. Some of it has been misdirected at others. Since getting past the anger, I've done my fair share of bargaining, and there have definitely been feelings of depression. And now, as we begin 2009, I feel myself moving closer and closer to acceptance.

This will be the year. By the end of this year, we will either be pregnant or we will accept that our family is complete. We will not carry this burden into another year after this one, no matter what. With that in mind, we decided that we will begin to get VERY aggressive with treatments. We will not take any breaks or skip any cycles (unless medically required). I should begin a new cycle in the next day or two, and I will be on the phone to Dr. Dunn's office to schedule a baseline scan and appointment to determine what meds we will take next. I am also going to do some alternative treatments. Western medicine is a wonderful thing, but don't underestimate the power of acupuncture, yoga, and other techniques practiced in Eastern medicine. I am researching castor oil packs as well as a few other alternative options. I am going to come at this with everything I have this year. If a baby is not meant to be, I refuse to have any regrets about not trying every single method available.

So that's it. This is the year. You have no idea how great it feels to know that no matter what, there is an end in sight.

Uexpected sadness

2008-12-17T22:22:00.004-06:00

One of the weirdest things about this journey I am taking is the unexpected waves of sadness.

I had the greatest day today. I took the morning off work to attend Elise's little dance performance and Christmas party. It was so much fun. I love that I was able to balance work and family today. Most days I am completely out of balance. I had a leisurely morning and got to be here to see Elise wake up and seek out our elves, take her to school, etc. After I dropped her off I had a bit of time to kill, so I went to Starbucks and sat inside reading a mindless gossip magazine and sipping a vanilla latte (with whip cream of course). Then I went back up to the school for the dance performance and party. It was so good to feel like a parent who is fully engaged. So often I feel disconnected.

I arrived in the office around lunchtime, feeling completely rejuvenated and I got a ton of things accomplished. It really reaffirmed my thoughts that I would love to eventually only work part time.

I came home and did an art activity with Elise, read her a story, and tucked her into bed. Then Jamie and I settled in together to watch one of our favorite shows on TV. Just a really nice day overall.

He just got up to take a shower, and I was sitting her finishing my glass of wine and watching the news. And it just hit me. I'm so sad. I can't understand why it works this way. It's been a perfect day. I have no reason to feel any discontent whatsoever. Yet I find myself fighting back tears.

Things aren't logical right now. I never know what feelings to expect from moment to moment. I can go literally weeks without thinking about things - or I might think of it every day for weeks. Sometimes it seems to come out of nowhere. Other times I think I will be sad and then I am not. I wonder how long it will be this way.

Just when I was beginning to feel sorry for myself...

2008-12-16T20:28:00.002-06:00

I was asking around today on Mommy's Online about blogs that people follow. Someone pointed me to Angie Smith's blog, Bring The Rain. I clicked on the link to start at the beginning of the blog, which Angie started writing back in January of this year, when she discovered the baby she was carrying had terminal illnesses. I read a few entries, and was completely overcome with sadness. I stopped reading after that, because I recognized that I wasn't in the right state of mind to handle such things.

And it occurred to me...what is worse than not being able to achieve pregnancy. Learning that the baby you've been carrying and bonding with for 20 weeks has no chance of survival outside of your womb. And then after much prayerful consideration, making the decision to continue the pregnancy and giving birth to a baby that you only get to hold for a short time before she passes away in your arms. Giving the situation over 100% to God.

I can't even begin to comprehend that level of grief. Any pain and anguish that I may feel as a result of infertility just seems to pale in comparison. If you want to read this family's story, I really recommend Angie's blog. She is a beautiful writer and a beautiful person. Her faith and trust in God is remarkable. Surely if she can make it through, we all can.

Officially taking another break

2008-12-09T21:17:00.004-06:00

Our most recent medicated cycle did not result in a pregnancy, so we're taking a break. Even though I am a little curious about Dr. Dunn's thoughts on our 3rd failed medicated cycle, I'm so sick of going to the doctor every 2 weeks that I'm not even going to bother to schedule an appointment to discuss it with him for a while.

We are crazy busy again (I think this is just a permanent way of life now), and I have plenty of happier things to enjoy. I'm going to try my best not to think about all of this and enjoy Christmas with my family. There is plenty of time in 2009 to deal with my infertility. It is what it is, and I can't change it.

Jamie wants to us to try the natural way this cycle, so I agreed to that. I am going to start taking my temperature again and I'll keep my chart updated (you can click the ticker above to see it). For the few that actually follow this mess, that will be something to check even though we aren't really doing anything to increase our odds for a while.

I was reading the Stories of Persistence on the Infertility Blog (linked on the right) last night. That was kind of neat.

Tears and Hope

2008-12-04T22:56:00.003-06:00

The video on this website was VERY hard for me to watch, but I think it does a perfect job of explaining how we feel.

Tears and Hope

Permanent Changes

2008-12-04T22:23:00.003-06:00

This evening I packed 2 boxes of maternity clothes to give away to some online friends of mine who are expecting babies. I am heading to the post office to mail them tomorrow. I now only have 2 very small shopping bags of maternity clothes. I keep them upstairs in a spare bedroom closet. That is also the room where I keep Elise's baby furniture and baby clothes - the room that I planned to turn into a nursery. I have put a lot of her clothes on consignment and donated most of the rest. The furniture...I think that will be the last thing to go. It's going to be the most expensive to replace if we actually do get pregnant someday. At this point the decision to keep it is more financially based than emotionally based. In many ways I think it would be good for me to have it out of the house. For now I settle for just keeping the door shut.

I think I actually feel okay about giving up all the clothing. I've been saving those maternity clothes for 5 years, and at this point it feels selfish to keep them to myself for some hypothetical pregnancy that may or may not ever happen when others can use them right now. I had been planning to donate them anyway, so when I found out that people I knew could use them, giving them away just felt like the right thing to do.

As I went through the bags to pack them up, I remembered little details about my pregnancy with Elise and when I had worn them. It made me a little bit sad, but it was also kind of a warm feeling to reflect on those memories. It's not something that I allow myself to do all that often. I didn't even cry.

I wonder if this is a step towards accepting that our family is complete? I'm not really sure yet. Some days I don't want to try anymore, and other days I feel like I could keep trying for years. It's a process that is unpredictable for me - I can be doing great and then all of a sudden something can trigger an emotion and this huge flood of sadness just rushes over me. Sometimes it happens at really inopportune times - such as glancing over at a new mom feeding her baby in the stands at a football game. All of a sudden in am in tears and trying my hardest to act normal so no one will notice and think I'm insane for crying at a football game!

I've reached a point now where some permanent changes have taken place. I think there will forever be a part of me now that gets a twinge of jealousy when I hear a story about someone getting pregnant by accident or on the first try. I will always feel a bit of resentment for the fact that things have not come easily to us...even if we do eventually have another child. It's a change in myself that I don't like. Bitterness is not a flattering characteristic. It's not the way that God would want me to behave, and yet it's something that I can't really control. Or I haven't learned how to control yet. I just don't think I'll ever be completely the same again.

Jamie and I talked a few nights ago, and if we aren't pregnant this cycle, I really want to take a break at least for December. I am so tired of going to the doctor every 2 weeks, and the drugs are making me bloated and irritable. I want to enjoy Christmas and worry about all of this in the new year. He agreed, mostly for my sake I think.

The trigger shot

2008-11-23T19:45:00.002-06:00

I got really confused about whether or not to give myself the shot, because I was getting positive OPKs yesterday. I know it's possible to get a positive and still not ovulate. I debated back and forth whether I should do the shot anyway, just for extra insurance that I'd ovulate, or if it would actually hurt something if I already was ovulating and then took the shot after the fact.

I posted the question in the Infertility forum on Mommy's Online and got some great, quick advice from other ladies. So, the verdict was that I would go ahead and take the trigger shot today.

That was an interesting experience!

I locked myself in the bathroom to keep Elise from walking in and getting freaked out. I thought if she saw me stabbing myself in the stomach with a needle it might upset her. LOL Of course she was standing outside the door yelling, "Mommy! Mommy! The door is locked!" the entire time.

I read the instructions like 10 times before I made my first attempt. I don't mind needles at all and I'm not afraid of shots in the least. However, it is a bit unnerving to have to administer your own shot. The first time I tried, I guess I didn't push hard enough, because the needle didn't penetrate my skin. So, on the second attempt, I had to apply a bit more pressure. It really wasn't painful - the needle is really small. It just stung a little bit. It is sore now at the injection site, but all in all, I think it went pretty well.

Medicated Cycle #3 Update

2008-11-21T21:57:00.002-06:00

Jamie and I went to the doctor this morning for our mid-cycle scan. My lining is back down to 5mm (this seems to be a recurring theme), but I did at least have 2 mature follicles. We saw a different RE today, since Dr. Dunn does not come to the Clear Lake office.

We were told that I need to take the trigger shot on Sunday night, which the doctor thinks will cause me to ovulate sometime around Tuesday morning. She wanted us to be using the OPKs, because she thought I may end up ovulating on my own. Not sure what to make of that, since Dr. Dunn said not to bother because the estrogen would confuse my system and I would need the shot to ovulate.

We will follow up with Dr. Dunn again at the end of the cycle.

Medicated Cycle #3

2008-11-14T06:20:00.000-06:00

Unrealted to this post, but just as a side note, November 8th was the one year anniversary of my surgery.

********************************************

Jamie and I met (again) with Dr. Dunn last Friday. He went ahead and ordered a scan, just to see if he could tell if I ever did ovulate in spite of my medication mishap. They couldn't tell on the scan, so he ordered bloodwork to check my progesterone level (this would tell him definitively if I ovulated or not). I am not sure what to make of this, but my lining was 11mm during the scan. We left his office with a plan in place.

If I had ovulated, I was to wait for my next cycle to begin.
If I had not ovulated, I was to begin taking Femara again immediately.

As it turned out, I had ovulated. So, I waited. I didn't have to wait long, because a new cycle arrived on Tuesday.

So, here is the protocol:

5mg Femara (TWO pills a day - important distinction!) from CD 3-7
2.5mg Estradiol from CD 10-12
Scan on CD 11 (day 13 would have been better, but it falls on a weekend) - at the scan they can see how things are progressing and adjust the Estradiol if necessary. I am guessing the scan will also determine when I will administer the trigger shot to induce ovulation as well.

I don't feel pessimistic about this, but I don't feel particularly optimistic either. I'm just kind of going along. I guess Dr. Dunn still thinks we are on the right track since he hasn't suggested any more potent drugs yet. So, at this point, I am still a willing participant.

As everyone knows by now, I am completely enthralled with the Twilight saga at the moment. It's been a VERY welcome distraction from reality. As strange (or pathetic?) as it is, it's actually made me feel happy. I am starting the fourth (and last) book today. I think I may be onto something. I normally don't make a lot of time for reading, but I think even after I finish this series, I might start doing more reading. It's been strangely therapeutic for me.

Today's scan

2008-10-27T18:18:00.003-05:00

I'm not feeling like typing much, so I'm just posting the results.

No mature follicles.
No improvement in the lining.

The nurse said to just skip the trigger shot. There is no point since I'm not producing an egg this cycle. We meet again with Dr. Dunn on November 7 - ironically one day short of being exactly one year post op.

I had to return to work after the scan, and that was pretty tough. Thankfully Lisa was comforting as usual. I don't know if there is much more the doctor can do for us. I don't know if increasing the estrogen and trying injectibles will be an option or not.

I am an idiot

2008-10-26T22:36:00.002-05:00

I have been SO SICK over this that I haven't even managed to log on and type it out.

I screwed up my medication. I was supposed to be taking 2 Femara pills from cycle days 3-7. Instead I am a huge screw up and only took one. I didn't realize it until it was too late. As a result, I am not expecting to see multiple follicles at my scan tomorrow.

The Viagra has made me really sick for the past 10 days. Within 30 minutes of taking it, I can feel the blood rushing to all parts of my body, and it's an intense and painful feeling. It's making my gums bleed a lot when I brush my teeth, to the point where I can still taste blood for about an hour after I brush. I've been up all night for the majority of the nights since I began taking it. Oddly enough, since I started the estrogen, I have been sleeping through the night again. I don't know what the deal is, but I am thankful for some relief. I'm really disgusted that I am going through all of this, and it could be for nothing thanks to my Femara mishap.

I called the nurse as soon as I realized I had messed up, and she talked me down from the ledge. She told me that this happens, and we need to just move on and not worry about it. She wanted me to continue all the other meds as planned, and she told me that we'll just see how I respond to a half dose of Femara.

I go for my ultrasound tomorrow, and I'm terrified. If they tell me the lining is not improved, I don't even know where to go from here. Maybe a higher dose of estrogen? Or maybe there is nothing more we can do? My stomach is in knots.

I've beat myself up over and over for messing up. This should be THE most important thing in my life right now. Yet, I am so over-extended with work and other responsibilities that I was careless. I decided that my life is way too disorganized, and as a result, I've spent the entire weekend decluttering my house. I'm hoping this will help me also declutter my mind. How could I do something so stupid? After all that we've been through.

Some information on Viagra

2008-10-18T21:11:00.002-05:00

A good synopsis can be found in an article written by a brilliant infertility specialist, Dr. Geoffrey Sher. (Thanks for pointing me in this direction, Amanda!). The article can be read here.

The cyst is gone

2008-10-18T20:51:00.002-05:00

I had another scan done with the start of a new cycle on Thursday. It was all clear, so I am back on a medicated cycle. The plan this time:

Femara - cycle day 3-7
Viagra - cycle day 3-12
Estradiol cycle day 10-12
Ovidrel (shot to trigger ovulation) - cycle day 13

The Ovidrel may move around a bit depending on what my mid-cycle scan shows. I am going on October 27th (cycle day 13) to have that scan performed. If all looks good with mature follicles, I will trigger that evening. I've been reading more information on Viagra for lining issues. It was briefly addressed on an infertility blog that I will now link over on the right side of the page. There is a lot of good information there.

I suppose I should be more enthusiastic about this cycle, trying new medication, etc. The truth is that I've really lost the wind from my sails lately. It seems like there have been more tears than usual, and the beginnings of acceptance are creeping in. I'm talking about the acceptance that this just might not happen for us. We've been trying for a long time now, and I'm still in the game for now. But I need to establish some type of ending point to this, because I feel like my life is on hold. Not in the literal sense, but in my head. I realize now more than ever how important it is to treasure every single moment and every stage of Elise's childhood. This journey with infertility is taking a small piece of that joy away from me, and I don't like that. I need to start living my life to the fullest, and right now I feel like I can't do that because I am constantly waiting for this huge, life changing event to happen. Every month when it doesn't happen, it breaks my heart a little bit. There definitely has to be an end - whether it involves a pregnancy and new baby or an acceptance that it wasn't meant to be. I need one or the other to happen sometime in the relatively near future. Jamie and I talked about it tonight. He agrees, but neither of us are sure when it will be. We talked about the summer, because that would be the 2-year mark since this all began. But nothing is set in stone other than the beginnging of that realization.

First Femara Cycle Failed

2008-09-26T15:52:00.002-05:00

And now I have a cyst on my right ovary that is currently preventing us from trying again. Hopefully it will be gone by the start of my next cycle, and we can give it another shot.

Next time we will be doing:

Femara from cycle day 3-7
Viagra from cycle day 3-12
Estrace from cycle day 10-12
Trigger shot on cycle day 13

The Estrace and Viagra are for my lining and the Femara will stimulate the ovaries to produce multiple eggs again (hopefully). The trigger shot will be needed to tell my body to ovulate, because when we add the estrogen, it will confuse my brain into thinking that I am further along in the cycle than I actually am.

We don't know when we'll get to try again now that we have the cyst. I will get a baseline ultrasound at the beginning of each cycle until it's gone. When we get the all-clear, we'll start the protocol above.

This is getting REALLY old.

Mid-cycle scan

2008-09-07T13:28:00.003-05:00

Our mid-cycle scan was on September 3rd.

Good news: 2 mature follicles, one on the right measuring 21 and one on the left measuring 20.

Bad news: Lining is only measuring 5mm.

The nurse said she's not happy to see the lining measurement, but it's not impossible to become pregnant. We know this will not work in our favor. I think it's good to at least be able to focus on what is most likely causing the problem. I've been reading a lot about the use of viagra suppositories to treat lining issues. A friend of mine who has done IVF told me that they took her lining from 8mm to 14mm in only 3 days!

I'm guessing that this cycle will probably be a bust, so I am making a list of things for us to ask Dr. Dunn when we go back on the 19th. I'm definitely going to see what he thinks of using viagra. I feel confident that if we can get my lining above 8mm, I can get pregnant. I think.

Baseline Scan

2008-08-24T22:24:00.002-05:00

I had my baseline ultrasound on Friday. The nurse said all looked good. I didn't have any "left over follicles" from last cycle, and my lining measured 4mm. She said that was right on track.

I began the Femara this evening, and I will take it through Thursday. I go back for another ultrasound on September 3rd. We are hoping to see several mature follicles and a lining measuring 8-10mm.

I'm praying that Femara will do its job. I asked Jamie if he thought it would work on the first cycle. He said, "Knowing our luck, probably not." I'm glad he said it, because I was thinking it. Still, I am trying to have a positive attitude, because as Jamie loves to remind me - the mind controls the body.

I could use a lot of prayers, because at this point, being positive is not something that comes naturally for me.

Will update on the 3rd after the ultrasound.

Jamie's Test Results and The Plan

2008-08-10T17:25:00.002-05:00

We met with Dr. Dunn (again) on Friday to go over Jamie's semen analysis results. His numbers were all really good.

Normal Volume is 1.0 - 6.5 mL per ejaculation.
Normal Count is 20.0 - 150.0 million per mL.
Normal Motility is 60% or higher.
Normal Morphology is 70% or lower.

Jamie's Results:
Volume 1.5mL
Count 216.1 million per mL
Motility 62%
Morphology 76%

The morphology is a little high, but that is more than offset by the count. The dr. was very pleased with the results, and we are now satisfied that my issues are the only obstacles we have to face. That is an enormous relief, because we are hoping my issues can be fixed with minimal interventions and drugs.

Dr. Dunn mentioned endometriosis again at this appointment. He said I had Stage I when he did my surgery, and it was just a few points away from being Stage II. This does statistically decrease the odds of pregnancy in each cycle.

So here's the plan:

Since I face a statistically lower possiblity of pregnancy, we are going to start doing things to increase my odds from another standpoint. I do ovulate on my own with no issues, but our first step is going to be medication that stimulates the ovaries to ovulate, sometimes producing multiple eggs. More possible targets = higher odds of pregnancy. Clomid is one of the more popular medications of this kind, but it is not what I will be taking. One of the side effects of Clomid is a decreasing of the cervical mucus (which is what creates a hospitable environment for sperm) and a slight thinning of the uteran lining. Thinning of the lining is the LAST thing I need, obviously. This is what makes Clomid an unattractive choice for me. I will be trying a cycle on Femara instead. This drug operates a bit differently from Clomid, but gives the same end result.

Clomid aids ovulation by binding to estrogen receptors in cells and tricking the brain into thinking that estrogen levels are low. When this happens, the brain tells the ovaries to work harder, thus creating more eggs and/or stronger ovulation.

Femara aids ovulation by interfering with the conversion of testosterone into estrogen in the body. So, rather than tricking the body into thinking estrogen is low, this drug actually does cause lower estrogen levels. In doing so, the ovaries are stimulated.

I'm a big student of Google University, but I had never read about the differences between Clomid and Femara. I learned something new!

We are instructed to wait out the remainder of this cycle. When the next cycle begins, I am supposed to call the nurse and come in for a baseline scan. I assume they will be checking the lining at that appointment. Then I begin Femara on cycle day 3 and continue to take it through cycle day 7. I will go for another mid-cycle scan around cycle day 13 or 14. At this ultrasound, they will be able to measure the follicles that my ovaries have produced and tell how many eggs I will most likely release. We are supposed to use an ovulation predictor kit and have timed intercourse (oh how romantic). Then we will see what happens. We'll meet with Dr. Dunn again at the end of the cycle to assess how things went, how my body responded to the Femara, etc. What we hope to learn is that my body does just what it should on the Femara - or better yet...that we are pregnant.

In the event that I do not get multiple eggs on the Femara, we may need to try something different. Dr. Dunn said we might even end up trying a Clomid cycle if the Femara is unsuccessful in producing the kind of results we want to see. If both the more "minor" fertility drugs fail, then we may have to resort to injectibles. This is when our odds of multiple births really begin to increase substantially. I have some major worries about multiples, which is a topic for a different post. Needless to say, I really am praying that the Femara will do the trick. Our odds of twins are only 5-10% on that drug.

So we should be off and running in about 2 weeks.

I am not an outwardly religious person.

2008-07-26T18:46:00.003-05:00

This blog has been very quiet for a long time. Jamie and I decided a few months ago that after my lining check, we were going to give my body some time to rebuild and take a much needed break from trying to conceive. The baseball team went deep into playoffs and we had 2 big vacations this summer. We really didn't have time to even think about it, so it has been placed deep into the back of our minds for a few blissful months. I loved our break. I loved not waking up to a thermometer in my mouth. I loved having a sex life that was spontaneous and not dictated by ovulation tests. I felt free of all the stress, disappointment, and sadness that I had been feeling for the better part of a year.

Dr. Dunn told us back at our last visit that he wanted us to try on our own for 3 cycles, and then he wanted to test Jamie. He was due to get a semen analysis back in May, but since we were breaking anyway we put it off. We didn't really discuss it much, because it led to a heated exchange each time the subject would come up, but I am sure both of us were hoping to get pregnant during our break and not have to deal with it. Of course that didn't happen. I'm really having a hard time coming back out of denial yet again and facing more testing. It has been a really rude awakening for me.

Jamie went in for his semen analysis on Friday, which was what he described as a totally humiliating experience. I can relate to a degree, because sitting with your legs spread in stirrups while a man who is not your husband sticks his head and face down in your vagina is a little humiliating too. The stress level in our house is high, and I hate it.

I am supposed to go in for more bloodwork, because they like to have current tests in your file at all times, and my original ones are now over a year old. The semen analysis results will come in on Thursday. Once I go in for my tests and all results are in, Dr. Dunn will sit down with us again to come up with yet another plan.

I think I have cried every day this week, and I'm so tired of this. I've reached some sort of breaking point. I am not an outwardly religious person, but I do have a personal relationship with God. For the most part, it is something private that I keep to myself. I have prayed about this a lot. In the beginning I felt led to seek treatment, but the more time that goes by, the more I feel like there is a lesson that God is trying to teach me. He keeps telling me that He is in charge. I am not in control. Things will happen according to His plan. And He is telling me to wait - to be patient.

Unfortunately, He is not telling Jamie to wait. Jamie is still very driven to seek medical intervention - any intervention, whatever it takes. I am just not in the same place, and it's causing a lot of friction and hurt feelings.

So, that is where we stand right now.

Digital Pregnancy Tests

2008-05-05T20:11:00.003-05:00

These things are pretty cool. I don't think they were around when I was pregnant with Elise (or if they were, they weren't very popular and I didn't know about them at the time). The only problem with them is that they are brutally honest and leave no room for interpretation. All you get is a big fat

Not Pregnant

Well, shit. Thanks a lot.

So now the ball is in Jamie's court. I've been poked, cut into, prodded, and violated. It's his turn, and at the moment he has a lot of excuses as to why he should wait. The current excuse is that he needs to wait until baseball playoffs and school are over.

One Year

2008-04-28T21:03:00.003-05:00

I've been dreading this, and I've put it out of my mind for quite some time now. In a few days when May arrives, we will have been trying to get pregnant for one year. It's just a number, and it doesn't even mean anything. God will bless us with children when the time is right. When our baby is finally conceived and born, we will be so glad for the timing, because that will be what gave us the exact child we are meant to have. So then why does it hurt so badly?

I think I've been in denial for a while now, trying to convince myself that I was fine with having an only child even if it came to that. I've been focusing on all the things I can do since I'm not pregnant - enjoy my wine, exercise, drink my morning coffee, not watch what I eat. In fact, I think I've been over indulging a bit.

Along with the whole one year anniversary thing, I've come to the realization that we are looking at - best case scenario - a 4.5 year age gap between children. And it could easily be more. I'm so afraid that my kids won't be close enough in age to play together, keep one another company, and be friends to one another. That is very upsetting, because the desire to give Elise a confidante is one of the reasons I want to add to the family. It's certainly not the only reason, but I'm in a panic all of a sudden. I feel like I'm running out of time.

I'm going to be 30 this year. While I'm mostly really excited about that and embracing it, I have to acknowledge that my fertility is not being enhanced by the extra year. Statistically speaking, I don't have a whole lot of child bearing years ahead of me.

With all these concerns running through my head, I almost feel like the walls are slowly closing in around me. Time is becoming of the essence to me, and everything is totally out of my control. And at some point, I'm going to have to deal with that.

Update: Today's RE Appointment

2008-02-29T16:00:00.003-06:00

I seem to be getting a lot of good news from Dr. Dunn lately!

Much to my surprise, my lining measures 7mm. That is quite an increase from the 3mm that it was measuring only 4 months ago pre-surgery. Dr. Dunn told me that if we were in the middle of an IVF cycle, this would be sufficient and he would not cancel the cycle. He said something about being able to see 3 layers (which is good). I didn't catch all of that, but it is a good thing!

I also have one mature follicle on the right side, which is great since that is the best tube. It was measuring 19. We were instructed to continue using the ovulation predictor kit (OPK) and have intercourse on the day of my LH surge and the day after. My test yesterday was negative, but today's is coming up positive, so we have to get down to business! I can't believe my mom is going to read this...sorry mom!

Dr. Dunn wants us to continue to try on our own with the OPKs and charting for 3 cycles. At that point, if we are not pregnant yet he wants Jamie to do a semen analysis. He sent us home with the "kit" and instructions just in case. I think Jamie is really hoping it does not come down to that! So am I.

I just need to stop.

2008-02-25T18:05:00.003-06:00

I've already given myself a doom and gloom report from the doctor, and my appointment isn't until Friday. Why does my glass always end up being half empty when it comes to this?

I noticed today when I was surfing Mommy Zone that some of the women who started TTC with me are now about to have their babies. One in particular is almost 36 weeks along now. So, it will only be a few more weeks, and women who began the whole TTC journey at the same time as me will be having babies. And I'm still here.

Some days I get so tired of thinking about it that I really just want to give up on the whole idea. We have a great life, and I have a wonderful daughter. Why put myself through all of this? But I just can't accept things as they are yet.

I feel stupid being so melodramatic.

Lining Check

2008-02-21T13:39:00.002-06:00

I have an appointment scheduled for next Friday (Feb. 29) to have my lining measured. Dr. Dunn wanted to do it on CD 12 or 13, but as my luck would have it, those days fall on Saturday & Sunday...so we are settling for CD 11. I am not expecting a good measurement based on what I've seen the last 2 cycles (a lessening of bleeding and shortening of my periods).

So, my main question is, "Now what?" A bit of hopelessness is beginning to set in. I posted my question on an infertility board where doctors respond directly to all posts. This was part of the response I got when asking how I might respond to a newer treatment that has been shown to help with lining issues (Viagra suppositories):

Unfortunately, With Asherman’s syndrome, There is such widespread destruction of the basal endometrium (from which fresh endometrial cells must be generated), that improving blood flow with Viagra is often unsuccessful in improving estrogen-mediated endometrial development sufficient to achieve “adequate” improvement in endometrial growth. In such cases the women should consider stopping all treatment, adoption or resort to Gestational Surrogacy.

And...

It is important to recognize that Vaginal Viagra does NOT work in all cases. In fact about 1/3 of women so treated will fail to show any improvement. This is because with certain causes of a “poor endometrium”, the basal endometrium has been permanently damaged and left unresponsive to estrogen (e.g. severe endometrial scarring due to inflammation, trauma or surgery).

I posted a follow-up question, but have not heard back yet. I'm just feeling confused, because Dr. Dunn seemed so optimistic. Surely there has to be SOMETHING they can do. But I have no idea what it would be. Another surgery? I guess I will get some better answers next week.

No news...

2008-01-31T20:53:00.000-06:00

I know this blog has been pretty quiet for a while now, but there really has been nothing to report for a while now. After this cycle we will go back in for a lining check, so it will be good to see how things are going. Other than that, we are just hanging out waiting some more.

Given the green light!

2008-01-04T16:34:00.000-06:00

I couldn't ask for a better report than we got at the doctor today. We are *thrilled* to say the least.

I had forgotten to take Advil before going in this time. I didn't think it would really matter, since last time I could barely feel anything. It was considerably more uncomfortable this time. The doctor was having a little bit of difficulty inserting the catheter in a way that sealed the opening to the cervix, so on his first try, the water was leaking out. The second time was a charm luckily! It wasn't too terrible, but I definitely wished I had remembered my Advil.

It was completely worth a bit of discomfort to get such an excellent report. He was able to get the catheter all the way up into the uterine cavity this time. I could see a huge difference looking at the ultrasound screen (and I am obviously just a lay person). The entire cavity filled with water this time! He noted absolutely NO obstructions whatsoever. The path was completely clear to both tubes. Obviously we don't know if the left tube is open or not, since the only way to see that would be through another laparoscopy. But given how great the cavity was looking on the ultrasound, the odds are pretty good that it's open. Even if it isn't, we could still conceive via the right tube.

Dr. Dunn said that as far as he is concerned, we can begin trying to conceive again! He say it may take some time for my lining to completely recover (so I am not expecting to get pregnant immediately, although anything is possible). It is a good sign that my cycle was heavier this last time, but he cautioned me that part of that was due to the Premarin. He said not to be too surprised if my next period is a bit lighter. He wants to see me back in 2 cycles to do a check of my lining on CD12 (right before ovulation). This will let him know how it is doing, and hopefully we will see that it is regenerating and thickening. In the meantime, we can give it our best shot and see what happens.

This is such a huge relief and a big weight off our shoulders. We were both really worried that another surgery would be necessary. It's looking right now as though that is not going to happen. I'm not 100% in the clear until we see a thick lining, but for this stage in the game, this is the best news we could have gotten.

Dr. Appt. Update

2007-12-31T11:33:00.000-06:00

Jamie and I are going for the follow-up SHG this Friday.

*crossing our fingers and hoping for good news*

Everything with this cycle is still looking REALLY good, so I feel myself getting my hopes up that maybe we won't have surgery again. Almost sounds a bit too good to be true, but you never know!

I never realized that all the terrible cramping that I used to have was probably due to AS. I have had literally almost NO cramping with this cycle. I've felt a small twinge here and there, but nothing more. It's amazing!

And now for an embarrassing confession. I actually sat down today and figured out what my due date would be if I got a good report from Dr. Dunn on Friday and got pregnant this cycle.

October 5, 2008.

An October baby! Another Libra! Okay, yes, my hopes are officially high now. Hopefully I am not setting myself up for disappointment.

Results in 5-10 days

2007-12-30T11:32:00.000-06:00

Okay, here we go! I just went to the restroom and discovered that today is the start of a new cycle. It's SO different...I have ZERO cramps. This is so promising! For the past few years my cramps have been so intense that I've needed 4 advil just to take the edge off. Today I don't feel a thing!

I'm getting excited to call the doctor and set up the SHG. I am going to call first thing tomorrow morning and try to get an appointment for Friday. That would be cycle day 6. If we don't get in on Friday, then we will have to go on Monday or Tuesday of the following week since the test has to be done between cycle day 5 and 10.

It's time to get some results!!!

All fired up and no one to call!

2007-12-13T21:06:00.000-06:00

A few weeks ago I received a bill for my surgery. I already paid out of pocket $1,083 to the surgical facility and $193 to Dr. Dunn. For those who are keeping track that is $1,276 for surgery AFTER insurance. I was already pissed about that. We are shelling out over $400 a month for insurance, and I think it's a bunch of bullshit that it doesn't pay more towards treatment.

ANYWAY...when I got this additional bill I just about went through the roof. I started to get really angry, but then I decided to wait to receive my explanation of benefits from the insurance company before getting too excited.

I got that in the mail today. I am an accountant and it took me nearly an hour of sitting and comparing the statements to make sense of them, so I think a regular person would be completely out of luck. It really infuriates me that insurance companies make things so difficult to understand. The whole system is designed to screw over the average person. Luckily for me, I am not average.

A close examination of the situation indicates to me that I am owed somewhere around $230 back from the surgical facility and I owe somewhere around an additional $425 to Dr. Dunn. I'm already annoyed as hell and it's too late to call and bitch at anyone tonight. Now I am just working myself up for the battle that I will have to fight tomorrow that will no doubt involve at least an hour on the phone with United Healthcare and the surgical facility trying to convince someone to send me the refund I am owed so that I can put that towards the balance due to the doctor.

I can't wait.

Oops

2007-12-12T14:04:00.000-06:00

Well, my efforts to chart are not going very well so far! Jamie bought me an electric blanket, which I LOVE, but I think it is really messing with my ability to get accurate basal body temps. I haven't even tried to take my temp on the mornings when I'm using the electric blanket.

I've been telling myself that I need to start turning it off before I go to sleep, but with the cold front headed this way, I don't know if that is going to happen or not!

No more estrogen!!!

2007-12-06T16:51:00.000-06:00

At least for now!

I just took my last estrogen pill. It is hard to believe that it has already been 4 weeks since surgery. I'm beginning to get nervous and excited. Mostly nervous, though.

Dr. Dunn said once I discontinue the estrogen, it may take a few weeks for my body to gear up again and realize it needs to do its thing. Based on what he said, I should expect a period anywhere in the next 4-6 weeks. I think the quality of that period will tell me a lot about how successful the surgery was.

I will just be waiting...and waiting...and waiting.

When my period arrives, I am instructed to call the office immediately to schedule another SHG. It has to be done between cycle day 5 and 10. That will be the definitive answer to how my body has healed.

I feel so incredibly excited when I consider the possibility that in just 4-6 weeks I could be completely released to my regular ob/gyn and actively trying to conceive again. But it scares me at the same time, because I know how disappointed I am going to be if Dr. Dunn tells me that I haven't healed well enough to get pregnant.

I will still have recourse if that is the case - another laparoscopy/hysteroscopy. But I am soooo hoping that it won't be necessary. I have butterflies in my stomach just thinking about it.

I've decided to start a new chart tomorrow and pretend that it is the first day of a new cycle. We are under STRICT orders to be sure to be very careful and prevent pregnancy (on the off chance that I could actually conceive while on the estrogen), so I know for sure I won't get pregnant this first cycle. It's been a real pain, but Dr. Dunn feels strongly that he doesn't want us to get pregnant until he is certain that all is well due to a higher risk of possible miscarriage if I still have scar tissue.

I still want to chart so I can tell if and when I ovulate, because that will let me know when to expect a period and keep my obsessing to a minimum (maybe).

Surgery Pics

2007-12-02T08:38:00.001-06:00

Okay, I finally got around to playing with my camera, and I think I actually was able to edit these and make them look decent. I think these pictures are amazing. It's remarkable what doctors can do these days and the precision of the tiny tools they use is hard to believe.

This is my liver. It has nothing to do with my Asherman's, but I thought it was a really pretty liver, so I am sharing! I was pleased to see that it survived my college years unharmed (kidding...sort of...). Hey, you have to keep a good sense of humor!

This next shot is my appendix (I think):

And now to the good stuff - here is my right fallopian tube opening as seen from the inside of my uterus. It's a really nice, open tube! You can also see some of the healthy endometrium. It appears as the red area. The white areas are scar tissue and/or areas where the endometrium has never grown back. In a perfectly healthy uterus, you would see that reddish lining all over.

In contrast to the right side, this next photo is a picture of the left side. You can see the tube opening, but it is quite blocked by a lot of scar tissue. Also, you can tell that there is basically no healthy endometrium on this side in contrast to what you see on the right side.

Obviously the right side is much better looking than the left.

Here is a picture of one of my fallopian tubes from the outside. It's hard to see, but you can see a dark spot at the bottom of the tube. This spot is where the dye ran through and spilled out from the other side...this is a great sign, because it means that the tube is not obstructed. Dr. Dunn got the same result on both sides, so we know that left tube is open even though it looks pretty bad in the picture.

When all was said and done, all of the scar tissue was removed. It seems hard to believe that is possible! I still look at these pictures in amazement at what can be accomplished in this day and age. Hopefully that little bit of healthy lining has been thriving on the estrogen and has multiplied and spread throughout the cavity over the last few weeks.

I only have 4 more days on the estrogen left...and then we shall see...

That was encouraging...I think...

2007-11-27T16:47:00.001-06:00

**Warning: This post contains a little bit of "TMI". If you don't want any details or get grossed out by talk of blood, you might want to skip it! I've had a baby, so just about nothing can gross me out anymore.**

It's funny how the timing of things works out sometimes. When we were in Dr. Dunn's office he was saying that I might experience a little bit of breakthrough bleeding while on the estrogen. I assured him that I hadn't had any bleeding at all since 3 days after surgery. I asked him if I could expect to see any withdrawl bleeding when I discontinue the estrogen. He said maybe, and if I did, he would take that as a good sign. But he also said that I might not, and that was not necessarily a bad sign either. Gee that is helpful! Doesn't he know I need something to obsess over??

Anyway, of course the very next day I started to have bleeding (that is what I get for insisting that I didn't have any). I got all excited - strange, I know. You would be amazed at the things that make me happy these days. But this was bleeding that is comparable to a *normal* period...something that I haven't had since Elise was conceived. Actual healthy, red bleeding instead of just brown spotting here and there. I needed a tampon! It's been YEARS. It lasted for 3 days and went away. So, I am thinking that might be a good sign! There must be substantially more lining now than I had before...right?? It's driving me nuts to have no idea what is going on in there. I can't envision a scenario where bleeding would be a bad thing, though (as long as it's not hemorrhaging, of course), given that a lack of bleeding was the main symptom that led me to get tested in the first place.

In other news, the estrogen is still kicking my butt. But don't feel sorry for me...you should direct all sympathy towards Jamie!

I wanted to try to post some of the pics from surgery here, but I don't have access to a scanner. I might try to take a picture of a picture and see if the quality is good enough to share here. If this post grossed you out, you definitely will want to miss that one!

Post-operative follow-up visit

2007-11-21T14:52:00.000-06:00

Well, I am in good spirits today!

Yesterday I hadn't gotten my reminder phone call from the doctor's office, so I called to ask them if they still had me on the schedule. I am glad I called, because they did not have a record of my appointment. It made me briefly question myself, because I was kind of drugged at the time I made the appointment, but I am almost positive that I did! I even had the time written down. Anyway, they were very nice and worked things out to get us in today.

We had to wait over an hour once we arrived. I was (again) so impressed with Dr. Dunn's office staff. They kept coming in giving us status updates. Dr. Dunn got pulled out for a moment to do an IVF transfer and it had thrown his day off a bit. It was no big deal.

I was really happy with our meeting. Dr. Dunn gave us 24 pictures that were taken during my surgery. He had some pictures of my bladder, liver, and appendix! Most of the pictures were taken inside the uterus, though (of course). I could see both fallopian tube openings, which was really neat. You could tell a huge difference between the right and left sides of my uterus. There was actually some healthy lining on the right side, whereas the left side was completely white (scar tissue). So we are just hoping the estrogen is doing its job and helping that healthy portion spread to the rest of the cavity.

I asked him if it was even a remote possibility that we wouldn't have to do another surgery. He said that it is possible, but it's also very possible that we will need to go in once more. But for now at least I have a small bit of hope that this first surgery did the trick.

I was also curious if I would be put on progesterone once I completed the 4 weeks on estrogen. He said that he is not planning on prescribing anything to bring on a cycle. He said that he prefers to wait and let my body realize that it's time to ovulate again on its own. He said that will take around 2-4 weeks once I stop the estrogen. This means that I can expect a period again in approximately 4-6 weeks. Once I do get a period, we are hoping to see some heavier flow. That would be a good sign that the lining is rebuilding and has more to shed. I am supposed to call him on the first day of my next cycle to schedule the SHG. I hadn't realized that we would wait for a period first, so we will not be doing the test in 2 weeks. It will probably be sometime in January before my period will return. So the waiting continues.

Dr. Dunn's parting words to us were very encouraging. He said that when you first go into a situation like this, you try to be very realistic. He does not like to create false hope for couples. But he said that at this point, he is now comfortable saying that he is very optimistic. We may need another surgery - but he thinks the final outcome is going to be not only a good enough uterine cavity to conceive, but a uterine cavity that is very close to being completely normal.

At this point, I think that is the best possible news we can get. The only thing that would make it better is if we don't have to go through another surgery in January.

I've become the person who...

2007-11-17T17:32:00.001-06:00

...people avoid when the subject of pregnancy comes up in conversation.

I really never wanted to be "that person".

I am so sad right now. Jamie and I took Elise to a birthday party at our friends Mark & Erin's house today. We met them through another mutual friend, and they are great people. Their son Ethan *loves* Elise and they are friends. Ethan turned 3 today, so we were really excited to take Elise to the party.

When I walked in, I thought Erin looked pregnant. She is starting to show. But of course, I didn't want to say anything just in case she had just put on some weight. She is not a tiny woman anyway, and a few extra pounds could make her appear pregnant even if she is not. So, we came in and the guys started hanging out and talking sports and such while the ladies played with the kids and chatted. I glanced at her refridgerator and saw an ultrasound photo. Now I felt pretty darn sure that Erin is pregnant...but still no one said anything, so I didn't either.

After we were there for a bit, I started noticing the other women going over to her quietly whispering about the fact that she is expecting. Jamie also overheard some of the guys talking to Mark about it. It began to become obvious that everyone else at the party knew...and still no one said anything to us. I felt so incredibly awkward and on the verge of tears. Was I supposed to just act like I didn't notice? Should I pretend that I can't hear people whispering? Do I tell her congratulations, even though she did not share her happy news with us? I didn't know what to do, so I just went outside with the kids and tried to enjoy the party. What I wanted to do was leave...right away. I was so hurt, and I didn't know what on earth to do. But Elise was having a great time and really wanted to stay to see Ethan open his presents and eat some cake. I couldn't leave without letting her enjoy the party first. Plus, it was Ethan's day, and he really wanted Elise to be there. So I did my very best to suck it up.

I knew that they were shielding me out of concern for my feelings. They are all such kind people, they really are. But what they did to us hurt my feelings so badly I can't even begin to explain it. I know we are going through a lot right now. Trust me, all I have to do is look down at my swollen, scarred belly button to remember. But I am still genuinely happy for Erin. She is a wonderful mother, and I am so glad that she is expecting another baby. It hurts so badly that she didn't think she could share it with me.

I acted as normally as I could, and the second we got out to the car I started crying. This is the most hurt I've felt since all of this began. I think it hurts extra badly because my friends feel uncomfortable talking to me now. It's hard enough struggling to conceive, but now I feel the relationships in my life changing too. Sometimes it even feels like Jamie doesn't know what to say to me or how to act around me. I just want people to treat me the same as always.

Bloated and Emotional!

2007-11-16T15:37:00.000-06:00

That pretty much sums up what it's like to take estrogen. I still have some swelling that I am sure is related to the surgery, and I think that is part of the issue and should improve sometime in the near future (I hope). I started crying in my closet last night, because I can't button ANY of my work pants. I have a few pair of really casual pants that I can wear on weekends, but I am really in a bind for work. I don't think this would normally make me cry, so I am going to blame that on the estrogen as well.

I don't know what to do, because I am not sure how long I will be swollen like this. I *really* dont' want to go out and spend money on bigger pants - especially not while we are paying for the surgery, Jamie's tuition for grad school, and trying to do Elise's Christmas shopping. I have 2 skirts that I can wear since they have stretchy waists and one pair of black pants that are normally too big. Otherwise, I am completely out of luck. I found a pair of jeans that are baggy and that is what I am wearing today (luckily we have casual Fridays at work). So I am really hopeful that some of this will go down by Monday. If not, my coworkers are going to get pretty tired of those 2 skirts and black pants. At least I have something that I can wear, though.

My bandages came off yesterday since the doctor said I could remove them after one week. I really, really regret that! If anyone else ever has a laparoscopy...leave the bandages on!!! I was so incredibly grossed out by what I saw when I removed them. The incisions were not stitched, so it was just the steri-strips that were holding them together, and they are not entirely healed yet. I got a little bit lightheaded when I looked down at them. Luckily they have dried out pretty well and are looking a bit better today. But man, I am really bruised and the cuts are not looking very nice right now. I'm thinking they will leave scars, but that is okay. One will be inside my belly button and probably won't be very noticable at all once fully healed.

I'm moving around normally again now, and last night was the first night that I could roll over in bed comfortably. It was great to get a full night's rest without having to wake up to roll over. My instructions said I could resume exercise after one week, but I still don't feel up to doing anything too strenuous. I could not run right now. It's good to know that I can resume exercise once I feel up to it, though.

Jamie and I will go see Dr. Dunn next Wednesday for our follow-up visit. They will not do another SHG yet, but he will show us some pictures of the surgery and discuss in more detail how things went and what he saw inside. I have a few more questions that I've thought of since surgery, so it will be good to have the opportunity to ask next week.

We should be able to schedule the SHG for sometime during the first week in December. It needs to be 4 weeks post-op. I am going to try to get in on the 6th, I think. I am assuming it will work the same way as the last one, and we will get the results and meet with Dr. Dunn immediately following the procedure. That is what I am hoping for, because the wait is already killing me! I am so anxious to know how it's healing in there. I've been really watching what I eat (with the exception of pizza on Tuesday night) and religiously taking my vitamins and estrogen. I figure every little bit might help.

Jamie is now afraid to touch me. Poor guy! He is afraid he's going to hurt me. He's so funny...now when he wants a hug, he just holds out his hands and I have to go to him. I'll be glad when he can relax more and not have to worry about all of that.

I also felt sorry for him last night when I was having my meltdown over my pants not fitting. I actually went upstairs and drug out some maternity pants and put them on. They fit well through my stomach, but were too big in the butt area. I was trying them on, and I said, "Well, at least my ass doesn't look pregnant." He started laughing, which was NOT the right thing to do at that moment. I snapped at him, and for the rest of the evening, I think he was scared to say anything at all. Of course, now I can see the humor in it as well.

Hey, the good news is that I only have 3 more weeks on the estrogen...

Feeling better

2007-11-10T11:15:00.000-06:00

I woke up this morning feeling considerably better than I did last night. It's a huge relief. I think the worst is over. It's a good thing too, because I hate not being able to help more around the house. Poor Jamie was out until nearly 11:00pm last night coaching the last football game of the season. We got to bed around midnight, and Elise was up bright and early at 6:30am today. She is still adjusting to the time change and has been waking early all week. Jamie got up so quickly that I didn't even hear her. I woke up around 10:00am. I can tell that he is completely exhausted and I feel so guilty! I am able to be up a lot more today, so I told him that once Elise goes down for her nap later, I will take the baby monitor into the living room and chill on the couch and he can get at least a 2 hour nap.

He has been keeping her entertained all morning. They were coloring pictures when I got up. I don't know how he was able to keep her so quiet all morning! I got up and ate so I could take my estrogen pill, and now I am sitting up in bed with Elise beside me watching a Diego video. I miss her so much! I haven't been able to actively care for her since Wednesday. I'm glad that she's willing to sit with me for a while this morning.

I was just thinking this morning that without such a supportive partner there is no way I could have done this. I am reminded constantly of how wonderful Jamie is, and I am so incredibly thankful for him. Just knowing that he is 100% committed to this journey with me makes such a huge difference. I don't have to do this on my own. Of course, my family and friends have been wonderful support as well.

When we sit down to Thanksgiving dinner in less than 2 weeks, I will have no trouble identifying what I am thankful for this year.

Feeling sore

2007-11-09T20:20:00.000-06:00

I am so sore today. I expected today to be the roughest day. I've been trying to limit my activity, but I really needed to get up a little bit today. I need to work this gas out of my system. They inflate your insides with gas during surgery so they can work better, and all of that has to come out. I wanted to encourage that process along, because this bloated feeling is quite uncomfortable.

I think I might have overdone things a bit. My bleeding has gotten a bit heavier, and after going through a massive hemorrhage once before, this is NOT something that I like to see. I'm sure it's not an alarming amount of blood, but ANY increase to me is scary. So, I am back in bed again typing this as I lay almost completely flat on my back. Ugh.

My parents are both here helping with Elise. I'm so thankful to have them, because I really wanted Jamie to go to the football game tonight. It is the last game of the season, and I know he wouldn't have gone if I were going to be here alone. I caught the halftime score on the radio and the game was tied at 14. I'm just trying to take my mind off of things. I'm watching a rerun of Friends, and that is helping. The only problem is that it's making me laugh, which really hurts!

I'm just anxious to be healed and on my feet again. But I know this is all for such a worthy cause, so I am keeping that in mind and counting my blessings.

Finally some wonderful news!

2007-11-08T16:40:00.000-06:00

I am still having a lot of soreness/faint feelings, but I am finally able to sit up in bed and give an update (thank goodness for wireless internet connections).

I am just *thrilled* to say that the doctor had a great report for us after taking a look inside. He was able to see the right side of my uterus pretty well and confirm that my right tube is completely open to the cavity. There was 70-75% scarring, mostly on the left side and towards the entrance to the uteran cavity. He was able to remove ALL of it today. Once he cleared my left side, he could see that the tube was open (it had just been blocked by the scar tissue previously). So, at this moment, I have a reconstructed cavity and 2 open tubes!!!!!!! I feel like this is a miracle. Dr. Dunn told my mom and Jamie that I was very lucky.

I will start estrogen supplementation tomorrow and will stay on that for 4 weeks. Our prayers will continue that my lining is able to rebuild (especially on the left side). We are in a waiting pattern now...some reoccurance of scarring is possible, but I am not going to even let that enter my mind. I feel like I need to stay 100% positive at this point, because I truly believe that the mind-body connection can be a powerful thing.

I will follow up with Dr. Dunn in 2 weeks. Once the estrogen supplementation ends in 4 weeks we will repeat the SHG and hopefully see that everything is still open. If this is a success, we could be on our road to trying to conceive around January or February.

I'm very, very sore today, but with such great news I cannot complain one single bit. I feel so incredibly blessed to have such a wonderful physician, husband, family, and friends. I truly believe that all the prayers have made a difference and I cannot thank everyone enough. Please keep them coming for the next 4 weeks.

I'm starving!!!

2007-11-07T21:15:00.000-06:00

I'm on a liquid only diet today since surgery is tomorrow. I am sooo hungry. I am allowed to have jello, so that was my dinner tonight along with some broth. Lovely combination, isn't it?

We took Elise to spend the night at my parents' house tonight, and she made me so sad. As we were leaving, she said that she wanted to go home with us. I feel so bad that she can't stay here tonight, but we have to leave in the morning before the daycare opens, so we didn't have a choice. I feel terrible that all of this has to affect her at all, but hopefully it will all be worthwhile.

I am feeling really nervous tonight. I'm not worried about the surgery itself, but I am really on edge thinking about what the doctor might tell us afterwards. I'm so afraid that he'll tell us that it's worse than he thought and he can't fix it. I didn't used to think this way, but after a few unlucky experiences, I find myself feeling much more vulnerable lately.

I guess we are all ready to go in the morning. I got my prescriptions filled earlier this week so I will have pain and nausea medicine ready at home in case I need it. I will post an update once I am feeling up to it.

Thank You

2007-11-02T20:35:00.000-05:00

I wanted to say thank you to everyone for all the support. It's overwhelming! I received so many nice PMs from my Mommy Zone friends as well as a really nice phone message from one of my Pitter Patter girls. It means so much to me! Thank you all!!!!!

I went to watch my old high school team in a volleyball playoff game tonight. We won and it was the perfect diversion.

SHG Results

2007-11-02T16:22:00.000-05:00

I wish I were here to report good news, but unfortunately that is not the case. Before doing the actual procedure, Dr. Dunn did a baseline ultrasound to take a look at my lining. For a point of reference a normal, healthy lining should measure around 8-10mm. Mine measures right around 3mm. He told me right away that it was looking pretty thin.

Next he inserted the catheter and attempted to infuse my uterus with saline solution. I say "attempted" because my uterus didn't inflate the way it should. He was only able to use half of the solution, and even most of that didn't inflate my uterus and just ran back out onto the table. He could see a small portion near the cervix fill with water, but otherwise I was completely blocked. That fact, combined with my thin lining caused him to give me a diagnosis of "severe uterine adhesions".

Dr. Dunn has wonderful bedside manner. He explained what he was doing and seeing every step of the way. Jamie and I both were extremely impressed. When he finished the SHG, he had me get dressed and we met him in his office. I would love to say that there is a positive side to things, but right now I can't really find one. As I said, my condition is severe. The next step is surgery and it may require more than one procedure. There is no way to assess the true condition of things until he gets inside to take a better look. There will be an incision at the belly button and another somewhere around the pubic bone where he will insert cameras and other instruments to get a good view from above the uterus. He will also go in through the cervix. He will begin closest to the cervix and work his way back, attempting to break away and remove the scar tissue. Depending on the degree of scarring and the quality of what little lining remains, he may choose to stop at some point and go back in at a later date to continue working on it. In between surgeries I will be on estrogen (the dosage will depend on what he sees when he operates) to foster regrowth of the lining. If he were to remove too much all at once without quality lining in the surrounding areas, there is a high chance that the uterine walls would stick together and rescar. That is the reason that we may have several surgeries ahead of us to get it completely repaired. The doctor said that he's seen one case that required 4 operations - but the woman did end up having a baby.

He wasn't able to assess my tubes today, and he cannot guarantee that he would be able to see them during the first surgery either. There is a chance that the scarring extends into the tubes, and if this is the case, it would be very difficult to repair. That would leave us with no other option besides IVF to conceive if that is the case. I have to at least consider that it is a very real possibility with all my scarring.

I held myself together very well as I received the bad news, and I thought I was going to make it out of the office without tears...until we got up to leave. Dr. Dunn was so sincere and kind when he shook my hand. He told me that he knew this was not what I had hoped to hear, but not to lose hope. So, I started to cry. I *hate* crying in public. When I got out to the desk to check out, I couldn't find my stupid debit card. The staff was so very kind. They told us not to worry about paying. They said they could just bill the insurance and send me a separate billing for the copay. Then we talked about scheduling surgery. The nurse asked me if I wanted her to check his calendar for next week...I didn't even know what to say. I was just tongue-tied. I felt like I couldn't even digest all of this, much less make a rational decision regarding surgery. Jamie stepped in for me and I am so glad he did. They did some checking and said they could do the surgery next Thursday. We took the appointment. So I guess I am having surgery in less than one week. My pre-op appointment is on Monday afternoon.

Jamie and I have full faith in this doctor. We believe that he can help us. At the same time, I cannot help but feel incredibly discouraged. I was really hoping this would be a more minor issue. And I don't know what we are going to do if my tubes are scarred. I don't think we can afford IVF. I don't know what I would be willing to do at this point.

For now at least we know that he will go in at least once and see what can be done.