A new year is amost here

The holidays are here again, and I find myself in a place of acceptance. I have all but given up the dream of a baby, and I've come to a place where I rarely give way to the hopes I used to entertain so often. We are a family of three.

I took a big step today - it sounds silly, but I have always wanted a mother's necklace, a symbol of the family I have created. Something pretty to wear that I can look at and smile about. I have held back for so long, because I wanted so badly to add to the family before commemorating it with a piece of jewelry. Today I was tired of waiting, so I ordered my necklace. It has only one birthstone, but it is mine and it represents the child I have been blessed with. It's my Christmas gift to myself.

It has been a year now since our last injectable cycle. Wow...what a difference a year makes. 2010 has been a HARD year. Not just the lost surrogacy and lost baby...but hard in so many other ways too. It has become progressively harder for me to find the blessings in everything lately. I feel somewhat under attack. I can't remember the last time I went to church, and that is bothering me too.

There are many nights when I lay in bed and think back to our first year of marriage, when so much possibilty seemed to be at our fingertips. We had a plan...or so we thought...of how things would go. I still long to see Jamie hold a newborn baby. I just know he would totally amaze me. And I try to take comfort in knowing I will get to see that someday in Heaven. But right now, here on Earth, it still hurts.

Not much to update

The house is still for sale.

I'm still infertile (best I can tell).

But things are good. I'm in a happy place right now - not as happy as our first blissful year of marriage, before we knew we would be confronted with this issue, but probably the happiest I've been since it all began. Elise is doing really well right now, and that is probably a big part of the reason that I am doing well. She's just so amazing. She's reading now so when I put her to bed, she reads to me instead of the other way around. She's growing up before our eyes and I feel so proud of her and blessed to be her mom.

I realized recently that I could let go of the feeling that I need to give her a sibling. Let's face it - best case scenario she would be seven years older than a future sibling. That is a large enough gap that she won't have anything in common with her sibling growing up. I know when they are adults they could potentially be close, but the window has closed as far as giving her someone to grow up with. The pressure is off. It didn't happen. And you know what? It's okay. She's happy.

I know I'm emerging from my depression, because I've been able to put myself out there a bit more than usual lately. I joined a Bible study where I literally knew no one. I just showed up alone. For those who know me well, you will realize how out of character that is for me! But I'm so glad I did it. I also became a Scentsy consultant. I've thought about it for around a year, but never had the confidence to sign up. I figured I wouldn't be able to sell anything. A month after joining I've already earned back my initial investment, and I have four parties scheduled over the next month! It's been good for me to start developing some personal interests again. When I became a mom I put all my own interests aside - after all, I had a demanding newborn to raise! But she's far from a baby now, and I am finding myself with some spare time again. I had forgotten what that feels like!

And as I begin this process of getting to know myself again, a strange thing is happening. I am beginning to feel reluctant about having another child. Don't get me wrong - I'm not at the pharmacy with a prescription for birth control pills. But I am starting to wonder if the window is closing for me. I finally have some independence back and some new hobbies, and I am enjoying it. I don't know if I want to start over again at this point. I know that sounds a bit selfish, but I can't tell you how relieved I am to feel this way. It dulls the pain and makes it feel as though maybe this is the answer. We desperately wanted a baby, and we tried SO HARD to make it happen. And now maybe that phase is over and I am naturally moving forward.

It's been almost 9 months since the doctor told us there is no further treatment available to us. I can't believe it's been that long. I can't believe everything that has happened since then. I still browse the surrogacy message boards sometimes, and it's weird to follow the surrogates who transferred around the time we would have transferred with our surrogate. I know if that had worked out, my mindset would be 100% different. Life is just so strange sometimes.

Closure (also known as "the escape from the space in between")

Closure seems so elusive in my life. We've spent three years now waiting for answers to various questions that would eventually lead to the big answer to the big question - Will we be able to have another child? Because this big question remains unanswered, I find myself caught in what I call "the space in between". Living in the space in between is challenging, because it affects all your decisions.

Should we book a vacation for next summer?
What if I get pregnant and then we can't go? If we buy refundable airline tickets, we could get the money back...but those are more expensive. Do we just risk it and get the non-refundable tickets? Oh well, if I get pregnant I won't care about the tickets!

Should we go ahead and sell the nursery furniture?
It's taking up a whole room in our house, and we may never need it. But what if we get rid of it and then get pregnant? I would hate to have to buy a new set when we have this one that is perfectly good. But I would love to move Elise's toys in here and buy a dining room table.

I really want some new jeans. I wonder if I should buy them?
But if I spend money on these and then get pregnant, they aren't going to fit anymore.

I wonder if it would be okay to have a glass of wine tonight?
Hmm...did I already ovulate? I don't want to have it if I could be pregnant.

You get the idea. I find myself going through these scenarios in my head on practically a daily basis, and inevitably I end up feeling like a fool for planning anything around a possible pregnancy. But that is just an unfortunate part of living in the space in between.

A lot has happened since I last posted, but I wanted to have final resolution before I updated again...and that did not come until today.

Our baby left us on July 19th. It began right as I was leaving work to drive home, and by the time I pulled into the driveway about an hour later, I was in some serious pain. The pain really caught me off-guard. I did expect discomfort and cramping...I did not expect to feel like I was in labor. It was very intense pain that lasted four hours and finally tapered off, eventually disappearing altogether by late evening. I took a day off work and called the doctor the next morning, got scheduled for an ultrasound and thought the experience was behind me.

But it wasn't.

When I had my ultrasound 3 days later it revealed tissue and some fluid still in my uterus. This led to a painful procedure in the office that same day to attempt to remove what was left behind. At this point I was feeling very down. As if it weren't bad enough to lose the baby after all we'd been through - now I couldn't even do that correctly. When the procedure was over, I asked the doctor if he got everything, and he told me there was no way to be sure until they did another follow-up ultrasound. And for that, I would have to wait another 2 weeks.

No problem, right? After all, waiting is my specialty.

So my follow up was today, and I was given the all clear - finally! I also had a lining measurement of 6mm. While that is not ideal (8-10mm would be better), my baseline measurement is usually only around 4mm, so this is an improvement.

I feel like we may be getting a little closer to exiting the space in between. Either my fertility is returning and my lining is healing or this pregnancy was a once-in-a-lifetime fluke. Either way, I feel like I should know the answer by the end of the year. And that is a great feeling.

On a sort of unrelated (but not totally) note...we made a big decision a few weeks ago. We've decided to sell our house and move. This home was bought with the intention of being our starter house, plus we feel like we could really benefit from a change of scenery. Maybe our new house will bring us a new baby. Or at least a new swimming pool! ;-)

Still waiting...

I saw the doctor again last Thursday. He did another ultrasound and confirmed...yep, we are still waiting (which I already knew). He was fine with us continuing to wait, but I had been talking to some friends and hearing about a drug called cytotec that can speed things along. I asked him about it, and he wrote me a prescription. I filled it, but once I got home I began doing some research about the drug. I very quickly changed my mind and decided to just stay the course and keep waiting. Believe me, it's NOT fun, but it didn't take me long to decide that cytotec is not for me.

I can't help but think...if things had gone well, I would be in the second trimester now. We would be choosing nursery decor. I would be wearing maternity clothes. We would be just a few weeks away from finding out if it was a boy or a girl. But now I guess we will never know.

Hope for healing

This post is kind of weird and misplaced. But that's okay - this entire year has been weird!

I was just sitting on the couch, flipping through a People magazine that my mom passed to me. I know, it's a wild and crazy Saturday night activity. I never buy People magazine. She never does either, but she was on a flight home from New York City on Friday...anyway...

I came across a photograph of Mark McGrath and his fiancee and their new twins. The caption is a quote from McGrath that reads,

The journey to parenthood "wasn't magic unicorns and rainbows, " says McGrath. "We were very lucky; it took a lot of work to get here."

I reread it 3 or 4 times. I think I am newly endeared to Mark McGrath.

What he said was so true - this journey is surely not magical. But I think if we could be fortunate enough to come out on the other side, we could feel lucky too.

One wonderful thing this baby did for me was show me that I *can* feel healed. Totally healed. I have always said that no matter the outcome, I will be forever scarred by this experience. It's the type of thing that heals to a certain degree with time but never, ever goes away completely. But I think I was wrong. This baby healed me temporarily. It was as if everything that happened before that positive pregnancy test just melted away. I went to Babies R Us - a dreaded activity, as I've made many trips to shop for gifts over the past few years until I eventually just stopped giving baby gifts altogether. I walked the aisles in excitement and felt amazed at all the new things for babies. Apparently a lot has changed over the past six years.

But the most important thing is that it didn't hurt anymore - at all. And that gives me a great deal of hope. No, this journey isn't unicorns and rainbows...but the end result could be truly magical.

It's not my fault

At the pressuring of some friends and family, I called the nurse's voicemail line on Friday. It had been 3 weeks since our last ultrasound and still no miscarriage. I had been putting off the call for several reasons.

1. I was succeeding brilliantly at putting the whole ordeal out of my mind. I thought of calling a few times, but always in the evenings when the office was closed. I seemed to forget about it during the day.

2. I was afraid I would get news I didn't want to hear.

3. I'm still in this lovely state of mind that nature will take care of things in its own time.

Anyway, I had been told it could be "a few weeks", and I really couldn't deny that after three weeks passed, I was probably leaving the territory of "a few" and entering the land of "a lot". So I called.

The nurse returned my call within 30 minutes, which is some kind of record and concerned me a bit. She said the doctor wanted to see me to do another ultrasound and talk about what is going on. We went today for our appointment, and for the first time in a long time, I left that office feeling like I had gotten good news.

Granted, it's not really good news. But when I say it was good, there is an implied "under the circumstances" in there somewhere.

The ultrasound revealed that the sac has not grown any larger since the last ultrasound and is beginning to collapse. We got one more glimpse at the fetal pole...one last look at our baby. But we saw something else too - we saw new endometrium growing in areas where there had been none before. We observed a thickening of the lining for the first time in 3 years. Of course, this is to be expected during a pregnancy - and our hope is that some of those cells remain behind after the pregnancy is gone. The doctor couldn't guarantee us that will be the case, but I feel like there is at least a chance. There have never been any guarantees.

We sat to talk about our options, and my main concern was obviously that I would be told surgery was the recommendation. Thankfully he said the opposite. He said he agreed with me and would prefer that I continue to wait this out if I was comfortable doing so. He explained to us how American culture is more proactive in these situations, but in other countries D&C rates are much, much lower and women are much more likely to wait and let nature take its course. I'm thankful for medical interventions and I do feel they have a time and place, but I'm much more hesitant to accept interventions in my own life because I've seen enough to know they can also cause major problems. He acknowledged there was a small risk of infection involved, but he didn't feel it was a big enough risk to warrant a surgical procedure (we ALL know the risks there!!).

He prepared me for what to look for in the way of excessive bleeding when the time comes, but I've been there done that and will know it when I see it. I'm not afraid of hemorrhaging again, although I know that is also a small risk.

He also discussed with us the reason for the loss. I didn't ask him, and I'm not sure why. I guess I figured it didn't matter. The baby is gone regardless. But he offered the information anyway, and I'm so thankful he did. He feels that beyond the shadow of a doubt there was something genetically wrong with the baby. A random, genetic abnormality. It wasn't my lining. And more importantly, it wasn't anything I did wrong. I didn't know until today how much I needed to hear that.

I am a very anal pregnant person. I have a huge list of things I will not consume - I cut out caffeine 100%. I won't each lunch meat, hot dogs, Chinese food, seafood (this is easy to give up since I don't like it anyway :p ). I eat a low sugar diet. I don't take ANY medications - not even Tylenol. I tough out my aches and pains. I drink a minimum of 64 ounces of water a day, and I do not enjoy water but dehydration can cause preterm labor, sooo...

All these "rules" are based on studies I've read about potential effects on the baby. I've heard from some that moderation is the key, but to me there is no safe amount of certain substances - namely my biggest vice - caffeine. It's a scientific fact that it raises miscarriage risk. And here I was consuming it in excess.

So imagine my horror when I found out I was unexpectedly almost 5 weeks pregnant...I had been drinking an occasional glass of wine. I drank wine while I was pregnant. I didn't know, and I drank wine. :( :( :( I was indulging myself in a 3-4 cup/day coffee habit. I was drinking soda. I wasn't taking any vitamins at all. And I was basically eating junk. When I found out I was pregnant, I was immediately worried that I'd already done harm to the baby. I feel as though I am not like other women. I can't afford to do anything questionable. My body is already so fragile when it comes to pregnancy that I have to do everything in my power to optimize my chances for a good outcome. I will never be someone who can just enjoy things "in moderation" and not worry.

When we lost the baby I think I blamed myself subconsciously. I know there are women all over the place who do all kinds of potentially dangerous things during pregnancy and everything is fine for them and their babies. I know there are drug addicts who carry to term. But for some reason, I was having a lot of trouble letting myself off the hook. Here was this miracle baby that we'd waited so long to conceive, and I might have done something to harm him or her. Because I was being selfish and indulging myself in an unhealthy lifestyle, our baby might have suffered. That is such a hard pill to swallow. I quit the coffee cold turkey the moment I found out - but what if it had been too late?

When the doctor told us a genetic abnormality was to blame, I felt the weight of the world lifted from my shoulders. It is not my fault. There was nothing I could have done to change the outcome. It feels so good to say that.

So it feels like good news all around. We've now got endometrium growing in places that have been bare for years now. We didn't do anything wrong. And I don't have to have surgery at this point. Our risks for another miscarriage are no greater because of this event. Our odds of another pregnancy aren't any lower, and they might be higher.

I prayed again for the first time since this happened on Sunday at church. God knew I was angry with Him. I was having the adult version of a temper tantrum and refusing to pray for a while, telling myself, "What's the point anyway? The answer is always no." So, I didn't pray for any of the good news to come. He just sent it my way anyway. And I'm thankful for it.

The 6 month update

I thought for a period of time that I was going to leave this blog behind. Our journey is three years in the making at this point, but the past six months have without a doubt been the wildest. As everything has unfolded, I've found it too difficult to write...like I was so lost in the midst of everything that was happening that I couldn't get it all down on paper.

Year One was all about working through the anger. I had become a person I didn't like to see when I looked in the mirror. I had horrible, unrighteous thoughts. I was so busy looking at others that I neglected to look at myself. Year One was ugly.

Year Two was all about sadness. Grief. Lots of tears. Why me?

Year Three was when I evolved and rose above our circumstances...I thought, anyway.

The events of the past six months have done everything possible to attempt to thrust me back into the mindset of Year One. It all began on December 22, 2009.

Jamie and I had a doctor's appointment to follow up on our last injectable cycle from the previous month. We hadn't gotten pregnant, and I braced myself for the news that would follow. But as it turns out, it's impossible to prepare yourself to hear that nothing more can be done. We had reached the end of our treatment possibilities. Basically, we were told the only thing we could do is give it time and just see what happens. Our odds of achieving pregnancy, even with treatment, were estimated to be "maybe 1%". My body never did respond well to the drugs, and 2 years of hardcore fertility treatments had really done a number on us - both mentally and for me, physically. We were done.

As we left the office, the doctor mentioned to us that if we really wanted to get serious about having a child, we should consider gestational surrogacy.

We left the office under the impression that surrogacy was never an option for us. It costs at least $65,000, and that is on the lower end. It wasn't even on our radar as a possibility. So we went home, grieved, tried to enjoy our Christmas, and started the difficult process of accepting our family as complete and moving on.

I began plotting a formal dining room in the area that is currently a playroom. And I made plans to clear out our "nursery" to move Elise's toys upstairs. I tried to embrace the idea as best I could. And I think I was making some progress in that regard.

But then it was as if the stars had aligned, and our world turned upside down for the next three months. A friend came forward and offered to be our surrogate for a low fee, and the money made itself available. Before we knew it, we were meeting with attorneys, doctors, psychologists...and things were moving in a positive direction. We had all the preliminary testing/contract/psychological evaluations completed and were literally within a few weeks of beginning the medications that would eventually lead to the creation of embryos and a transfer of our baby into the surrogate.

But then it happened. One of those totally bizarre, totally unexpected, horrible events that blindsides you on a random Wednesday afternoon. Literally overnight by no fault of anyone involved, the circumstances changed, and the surrogacy was canceled. And so it was April, and we found ourselves back on December 22nd again. With our surrogate no longer available and our emotions more fragile than ever, we were at a loss as to what our next move should be. I asked myself, "Why did God lead us this far, only to abandon us yet again?" I spent so much time praying over the surrogacy. I had felt so certain it was what He wanted us to do. And so when it failed, it very quickly gave way to self doubt.

The planning phase of the surrogacy had been extremely stressful for me, as I attempted to coordinate all the many appointments and tests long distance. I had researched everything well into the evening hours on many nights, trying to become an expert as I navigated this very tricky arrangement without the benefit of an agency. My nerves were absolutely shot. I did not want to do it again. But Jamie did, and our attorney encouraged us to keep looking. As a matter of fact, everyone seemed to want us to keep looking. But I just didn't feel like I could do it. The previous three years had taken a toll, and I felt somehow I was receiving some big, cosmic sign from the universe that I was never meant to have anymore children. But it wasn't a decision I could make alone, and I was committed to trying again if Jamie still felt he wanted to do so after a period of time (what period of time, we really hadn't decided yet).

As we were in the midst of this huge dilemma over whether to continue a search for a surrogate, we were blindsided again...



And for the next two weeks, everything made sense. The surrogacy fell through, because *I* was going to carry our baby! It was a medical miracle, as far as we were concerned. Our bloodwork all came back perfectly. My hcg was 1250 at 19dpo. At 21dpo it had risen to 2994. My progesterone was 29. It felt too good to be true. And it was. We went to our six week ultrasound to discover the baby measuring several days behind. It doesn't sound like much, but in the early stages of pregnancy, a lot can happen in several days. So we were sent home with instructions to come back in five days for another ultrasound.

"Maybe we are just off on our dates," I told myself. But I knew better. After tracking cycles and ovulation for three years, I knew I wasn't off. I knew to the exact day when we had conceived. And so it was long five days spent obsessively googling ultrasound photos and reading everything I could find that might lend some encouragement to the situation. When we returned, the baby had fallen a full week behind, and there was no heartbeat. We were told miscarriage was imminent.

So here we are now. Waiting for the inevitable. I've done a great deal of waiting over the last three years, but this wait is by far the worst of my life. I am determined to avoid another uterine surgery that would surely only leave me with additional scar tissue. So I wait. It's the strangest feeling, knowing you are carrying a child that isn't growing...dreading the moment when you are no longer carrying the baby. Wondering when it will happen. Hoping it won't happen at work. Praying it won't happen at work. Wondering if it does begin at work, if you will be able to make the hour drive home before it's too late. Contemplating how to properly honor your baby's body, because flushing him or her down the toilet is just not an option. And meanwhile, passing coworkers in the hall as they ask, "Hi, how are you today?" And just smiling and saying, "Fine." Maybe if you say you are fine, you will be fine?

And the big elephant in the room...my beef with God. We dealt with this loss back in December. I can accept Him telling me no. But it feels we are the victims of some cruel game at this point. Dangle it in front of us, and yank it away. Twice in just a few months. Gear us up to be excited at the prospects - even bring us to a point where we are discussing baby names - then yank it away.

When this all began, I found great purpose in the journey. I needed to learn things about myself, and I needed to change. I needed to learn to give others grace. I needed to do less judging and more changing of myself. I needed to get right with God. And I feel like I have done all those things. At this point, I wonder, "God, what else do I need to change before I am worthy of having my prayers answered??? What else do you want from me??? Why am I not good enough??? I was willing to accept my situation, but you have brought me so close to what I desire twice now. What are you trying to tell me? Is all of this extra pain really necessary? Why?"

And so I wait and listen for the answers as I try not to slide back into anger that I thought was left behind in Year One. Meanwhile, Year Four is now underway. Quite frankly, I am afraid to see what it holds.

Seasons of Life

I got this as an email forward and loved it. It seemed very appropriate to post here.

There was a man who had four sons. He wanted his sons to learn not to judge things too quickly, so he sent them each on a quest, in turn, to go and look at a pear tree that was great distance away.

The first son went in the winter, the second son in the spring, the third son in the summer and the youngest son in the fall. When they had all gone and returned, he called them together to describe what they had seen.

The first son said that the tree was ugly, bent and twisted.

The second son said it was covered with green buds and full of promise.

The third son disagreed; he said it was laden with blossoms that smelled so sweet and looked so beautiful, it was the most graceful thing he had ever seen.

The last son disagreed with all of them; he said it was ripe and drooping with fruit, full of life and fulfillment.

The man then explained to his sons that they were all right, because they had each seen only one season in the tree’s life. He told them that you cannot judge a tree, or a person, by only one season in their life. The essence of who they are, and the pleasure, joy and love that come from that life can only be measured at the end, when all season are up.

If you give up when it’s winter, you will miss the promise of your spring, the beauty of your summer, and the fulfillment of your fall.

Don’t let the pain of one season destroy the joy of all the rest. Don’t judge life by one difficult season. Preserver through the difficult times, knowing that better times are sure to come.

Thanksgiving Update

Our 4th injectable cycle has not been successful. It would have been neat timing to find out we are having a baby on Thanksgiving, but that was not in the big plan for this year. I don't have any idea what is next, and I cancelled my doctor's appointment yesterday in favor of coming home and going to the movies with Jamie and Elise.

But, we are sitting in our warm house on this Thanksgiving Day with our doggies and a beautiful little girl who was given to us to love...and each other! In a few hours we will be enjoying honey baked ham, roasted chicken, mashed potatoes, corn, green bean casserole, broccoli rice casserole, macaroni & cheese, sweet potatoes, cranberry sauce, rolls, deviled eggs, mimosas, tea, coffee, chocolate pie, and pumpkin cheesecake - we could not be anything other than THANKFUL, for we are extremely blessed.

Injectable Cycle #4

I had an appointment with Dr. Dunn earlier this week, and after talking with him we decided to give this another go. In my last cycle, he was pretty happy with my response to the meds, but my body started to ovulate on its own a bit early (which is discovered through testing LH levels in the blood). This caused us to have to trigger ovulation before all the follicles were ready, thus giving us only 2 really good follicles. He thinks if we could have gone another day or so, we may have seen 3 or 4 mature follicles...which would be really super awesome and ideal. So, this time he has a plan to be sure we get that extra day.

I'll be injecting a new drug that acts as an antagonist to hold off ovulation until we are ready. The medication is called Ganirelix. In addition to the Ganirelix, I will also inject a microdose of Ovidrel (same medication as the trigger shot, but smaller dose). I didn't ask if I would also be injecting the Gonal-F on the same days as the microdose of Ovidrel and the Ganirelix...I need to ask about that, but I have a few more days before it will become an issue.

I started the Gonal-F injections today (same dose as last cycle, 75iui). First scan will be on Monday.

Part of me thinks I am crazy to go down this road again - especially during the holidays - but overall I am really glad to be trying again. We still have not totally perfected my protocol, and I'd like to have a few really great, textbook cycles before officially throwing in the towel.

I don't know if this is going to work or not, but I feel really at peace either way. When they did my baseline scan yesterday, they told me I have a cyst and had to send me down to the lab for bloodwork to be sure it wasn't producing any estrogen. The Melanie of 2 or 3 years ago would have been in a panic over the idea that I may have to wait another cycle, but the Melanie I am today wasn't worried at all. There are many things I've tried to control in the past, and if this whole experience has taught me one thing, it is WHO is actually in control at all times. ;)

And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.

Romans 8:27,28 ESV

Everything rides on hope now

Well, I said I was done with this. I was ready to begin the process of accepting our family as complete. I meant it wholeheartedly at the time. But now I am changing my mind.

I've had a series of very vivid dreams over the past 10 days or so. All involving babies - specifically me having them. They are the most wonderful dreams. The pregnancy goes perfectly. I have an uncomplicated, natural childbirth. And I wake up just as I begin to nurse the baby for the first time. I struggle to go back to sleep so I can continue the dream. And I can't stop thinking about it.

I'm not ready to give up. I am going to call the doctor tomorrow and schedule an appointment to formulate a plan. Jamie has never been ready to give up, so he's excited. We have only 2 more weeks of football left, so the timing is good.

I could use tons of prayers, because I'm pretty nervous where this leads us if it doesn't work again.

A good day

There are many, many days that I struggle. But sometimes I have good days. Today was a good day. On days like today, I feel totally happy with my family. I feel fulfilled to be the mommy of one absolutely perfect and wonderful little girl. I embrace things the way they are. It's a good feeling when it happens. :)

They say time heals all wounds. Maybe someday, all my days will feel like today. Isn't that a nice thought?