These things are pretty cool. I don't think they were around when I was pregnant with Elise (or if they were, they weren't very popular and I didn't know about them at the time). The only problem with them is that they are brutally honest and leave no room for interpretation. All you get is a big fat
Not Pregnant
Well, shit. Thanks a lot.
So now the ball is in Jamie's court. I've been poked, cut into, prodded, and violated. It's his turn, and at the moment he has a lot of excuses as to why he should wait. The current excuse is that he needs to wait until baseball playoffs and school are over.
Monday, May 5, 2008
Monday, April 28, 2008
One Year
I've been dreading this, and I've put it out of my mind for quite some time now. In a few days when May arrives, we will have been trying to get pregnant for one year. It's just a number, and it doesn't even mean anything. God will bless us with children when the time is right. When our baby is finally conceived and born, we will be so glad for the timing, because that will be what gave us the exact child we are meant to have. So then why does it hurt so badly?
I think I've been in denial for a while now, trying to convince myself that I was fine with having an only child even if it came to that. I've been focusing on all the things I can do since I'm not pregnant - enjoy my wine, exercise, drink my morning coffee, not watch what I eat. In fact, I think I've been over indulging a bit.
Along with the whole one year anniversary thing, I've come to the realization that we are looking at - best case scenario - a 4.5 year age gap between children. And it could easily be more. I'm so afraid that my kids won't be close enough in age to play together, keep one another company, and be friends to one another. That is very upsetting, because the desire to give Elise a confidante is one of the reasons I want to add to the family. It's certainly not the only reason, but I'm in a panic all of a sudden. I feel like I'm running out of time.
I'm going to be 30 this year. While I'm mostly really excited about that and embracing it, I have to acknowledge that my fertility is not being enhanced by the extra year. Statistically speaking, I don't have a whole lot of child bearing years ahead of me.
With all these concerns running through my head, I almost feel like the walls are slowly closing in around me. Time is becoming of the essence to me, and everything is totally out of my control. And at some point, I'm going to have to deal with that.
I think I've been in denial for a while now, trying to convince myself that I was fine with having an only child even if it came to that. I've been focusing on all the things I can do since I'm not pregnant - enjoy my wine, exercise, drink my morning coffee, not watch what I eat. In fact, I think I've been over indulging a bit.
Along with the whole one year anniversary thing, I've come to the realization that we are looking at - best case scenario - a 4.5 year age gap between children. And it could easily be more. I'm so afraid that my kids won't be close enough in age to play together, keep one another company, and be friends to one another. That is very upsetting, because the desire to give Elise a confidante is one of the reasons I want to add to the family. It's certainly not the only reason, but I'm in a panic all of a sudden. I feel like I'm running out of time.
I'm going to be 30 this year. While I'm mostly really excited about that and embracing it, I have to acknowledge that my fertility is not being enhanced by the extra year. Statistically speaking, I don't have a whole lot of child bearing years ahead of me.
With all these concerns running through my head, I almost feel like the walls are slowly closing in around me. Time is becoming of the essence to me, and everything is totally out of my control. And at some point, I'm going to have to deal with that.
Friday, February 29, 2008
Update: Today's RE Appointment
I seem to be getting a lot of good news from Dr. Dunn lately!
Much to my surprise, my lining measures 7mm. That is quite an increase from the 3mm that it was measuring only 4 months ago pre-surgery. Dr. Dunn told me that if we were in the middle of an IVF cycle, this would be sufficient and he would not cancel the cycle. He said something about being able to see 3 layers (which is good). I didn't catch all of that, but it is a good thing!
I also have one mature follicle on the right side, which is great since that is the best tube. It was measuring 19. We were instructed to continue using the ovulation predictor kit (OPK) and have intercourse on the day of my LH surge and the day after. My test yesterday was negative, but today's is coming up positive, so we have to get down to business! I can't believe my mom is going to read this...sorry mom!
Dr. Dunn wants us to continue to try on our own with the OPKs and charting for 3 cycles. At that point, if we are not pregnant yet he wants Jamie to do a semen analysis. He sent us home with the "kit" and instructions just in case. I think Jamie is really hoping it does not come down to that! So am I.
Much to my surprise, my lining measures 7mm. That is quite an increase from the 3mm that it was measuring only 4 months ago pre-surgery. Dr. Dunn told me that if we were in the middle of an IVF cycle, this would be sufficient and he would not cancel the cycle. He said something about being able to see 3 layers (which is good). I didn't catch all of that, but it is a good thing!
I also have one mature follicle on the right side, which is great since that is the best tube. It was measuring 19. We were instructed to continue using the ovulation predictor kit (OPK) and have intercourse on the day of my LH surge and the day after. My test yesterday was negative, but today's is coming up positive, so we have to get down to business! I can't believe my mom is going to read this...sorry mom!
Dr. Dunn wants us to continue to try on our own with the OPKs and charting for 3 cycles. At that point, if we are not pregnant yet he wants Jamie to do a semen analysis. He sent us home with the "kit" and instructions just in case. I think Jamie is really hoping it does not come down to that! So am I.
Monday, February 25, 2008
I just need to stop.
I've already given myself a doom and gloom report from the doctor, and my appointment isn't until Friday. Why does my glass always end up being half empty when it comes to this?
I noticed today when I was surfing Mommy Zone that some of the women who started TTC with me are now about to have their babies. One in particular is almost 36 weeks along now. So, it will only be a few more weeks, and women who began the whole TTC journey at the same time as me will be having babies. And I'm still here.
Some days I get so tired of thinking about it that I really just want to give up on the whole idea. We have a great life, and I have a wonderful daughter. Why put myself through all of this? But I just can't accept things as they are yet.
I feel stupid being so melodramatic.
I noticed today when I was surfing Mommy Zone that some of the women who started TTC with me are now about to have their babies. One in particular is almost 36 weeks along now. So, it will only be a few more weeks, and women who began the whole TTC journey at the same time as me will be having babies. And I'm still here.
Some days I get so tired of thinking about it that I really just want to give up on the whole idea. We have a great life, and I have a wonderful daughter. Why put myself through all of this? But I just can't accept things as they are yet.
I feel stupid being so melodramatic.
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Lining Check
I have an appointment scheduled for next Friday (Feb. 29) to have my lining measured. Dr. Dunn wanted to do it on CD 12 or 13, but as my luck would have it, those days fall on Saturday & Sunday...so we are settling for CD 11. I am not expecting a good measurement based on what I've seen the last 2 cycles (a lessening of bleeding and shortening of my periods).
So, my main question is, "Now what?" A bit of hopelessness is beginning to set in. I posted my question on an infertility board where doctors respond directly to all posts. This was part of the response I got when asking how I might respond to a newer treatment that has been shown to help with lining issues (Viagra suppositories):
Unfortunately, With Asherman’s syndrome, There is such widespread destruction of the basal endometrium (from which fresh endometrial cells must be generated), that improving blood flow with Viagra is often unsuccessful in improving estrogen-mediated endometrial development sufficient to achieve “adequate” improvement in endometrial growth. In such cases the women should consider stopping all treatment, adoption or resort to Gestational Surrogacy.
And...
It is important to recognize that Vaginal Viagra does NOT work in all cases. In fact about 1/3 of women so treated will fail to show any improvement. This is because with certain causes of a “poor endometrium”, the basal endometrium has been permanently damaged and left unresponsive to estrogen (e.g. severe endometrial scarring due to inflammation, trauma or surgery).
I posted a follow-up question, but have not heard back yet. I'm just feeling confused, because Dr. Dunn seemed so optimistic. Surely there has to be SOMETHING they can do. But I have no idea what it would be. Another surgery? I guess I will get some better answers next week.
So, my main question is, "Now what?" A bit of hopelessness is beginning to set in. I posted my question on an infertility board where doctors respond directly to all posts. This was part of the response I got when asking how I might respond to a newer treatment that has been shown to help with lining issues (Viagra suppositories):
Unfortunately, With Asherman’s syndrome, There is such widespread destruction of the basal endometrium (from which fresh endometrial cells must be generated), that improving blood flow with Viagra is often unsuccessful in improving estrogen-mediated endometrial development sufficient to achieve “adequate” improvement in endometrial growth. In such cases the women should consider stopping all treatment, adoption or resort to Gestational Surrogacy.
And...
It is important to recognize that Vaginal Viagra does NOT work in all cases. In fact about 1/3 of women so treated will fail to show any improvement. This is because with certain causes of a “poor endometrium”, the basal endometrium has been permanently damaged and left unresponsive to estrogen (e.g. severe endometrial scarring due to inflammation, trauma or surgery).
I posted a follow-up question, but have not heard back yet. I'm just feeling confused, because Dr. Dunn seemed so optimistic. Surely there has to be SOMETHING they can do. But I have no idea what it would be. Another surgery? I guess I will get some better answers next week.
Thursday, January 31, 2008
No news...
I know this blog has been pretty quiet for a while now, but there really has been nothing to report for a while now. After this cycle we will go back in for a lining check, so it will be good to see how things are going. Other than that, we are just hanging out waiting some more.
Friday, January 4, 2008
Given the green light!
I couldn't ask for a better report than we got at the doctor today. We are *thrilled* to say the least.
I had forgotten to take Advil before going in this time. I didn't think it would really matter, since last time I could barely feel anything. It was considerably more uncomfortable this time. The doctor was having a little bit of difficulty inserting the catheter in a way that sealed the opening to the cervix, so on his first try, the water was leaking out. The second time was a charm luckily! It wasn't too terrible, but I definitely wished I had remembered my Advil.
It was completely worth a bit of discomfort to get such an excellent report. He was able to get the catheter all the way up into the uterine cavity this time. I could see a huge difference looking at the ultrasound screen (and I am obviously just a lay person). The entire cavity filled with water this time! He noted absolutely NO obstructions whatsoever. The path was completely clear to both tubes. Obviously we don't know if the left tube is open or not, since the only way to see that would be through another laparoscopy. But given how great the cavity was looking on the ultrasound, the odds are pretty good that it's open. Even if it isn't, we could still conceive via the right tube.
Dr. Dunn said that as far as he is concerned, we can begin trying to conceive again! He say it may take some time for my lining to completely recover (so I am not expecting to get pregnant immediately, although anything is possible). It is a good sign that my cycle was heavier this last time, but he cautioned me that part of that was due to the Premarin. He said not to be too surprised if my next period is a bit lighter. He wants to see me back in 2 cycles to do a check of my lining on CD12 (right before ovulation). This will let him know how it is doing, and hopefully we will see that it is regenerating and thickening. In the meantime, we can give it our best shot and see what happens.
This is such a huge relief and a big weight off our shoulders. We were both really worried that another surgery would be necessary. It's looking right now as though that is not going to happen. I'm not 100% in the clear until we see a thick lining, but for this stage in the game, this is the best news we could have gotten.
I had forgotten to take Advil before going in this time. I didn't think it would really matter, since last time I could barely feel anything. It was considerably more uncomfortable this time. The doctor was having a little bit of difficulty inserting the catheter in a way that sealed the opening to the cervix, so on his first try, the water was leaking out. The second time was a charm luckily! It wasn't too terrible, but I definitely wished I had remembered my Advil.
It was completely worth a bit of discomfort to get such an excellent report. He was able to get the catheter all the way up into the uterine cavity this time. I could see a huge difference looking at the ultrasound screen (and I am obviously just a lay person). The entire cavity filled with water this time! He noted absolutely NO obstructions whatsoever. The path was completely clear to both tubes. Obviously we don't know if the left tube is open or not, since the only way to see that would be through another laparoscopy. But given how great the cavity was looking on the ultrasound, the odds are pretty good that it's open. Even if it isn't, we could still conceive via the right tube.
Dr. Dunn said that as far as he is concerned, we can begin trying to conceive again! He say it may take some time for my lining to completely recover (so I am not expecting to get pregnant immediately, although anything is possible). It is a good sign that my cycle was heavier this last time, but he cautioned me that part of that was due to the Premarin. He said not to be too surprised if my next period is a bit lighter. He wants to see me back in 2 cycles to do a check of my lining on CD12 (right before ovulation). This will let him know how it is doing, and hopefully we will see that it is regenerating and thickening. In the meantime, we can give it our best shot and see what happens.
This is such a huge relief and a big weight off our shoulders. We were both really worried that another surgery would be necessary. It's looking right now as though that is not going to happen. I'm not 100% in the clear until we see a thick lining, but for this stage in the game, this is the best news we could have gotten.
Monday, December 31, 2007
Dr. Appt. Update
Jamie and I are going for the follow-up SHG this Friday.
*crossing our fingers and hoping for good news*
Everything with this cycle is still looking REALLY good, so I feel myself getting my hopes up that maybe we won't have surgery again. Almost sounds a bit too good to be true, but you never know!
I never realized that all the terrible cramping that I used to have was probably due to AS. I have had literally almost NO cramping with this cycle. I've felt a small twinge here and there, but nothing more. It's amazing!
And now for an embarrassing confession. I actually sat down today and figured out what my due date would be if I got a good report from Dr. Dunn on Friday and got pregnant this cycle.
October 5, 2008.
An October baby! Another Libra! Okay, yes, my hopes are officially high now. Hopefully I am not setting myself up for disappointment.
*crossing our fingers and hoping for good news*
Everything with this cycle is still looking REALLY good, so I feel myself getting my hopes up that maybe we won't have surgery again. Almost sounds a bit too good to be true, but you never know!
I never realized that all the terrible cramping that I used to have was probably due to AS. I have had literally almost NO cramping with this cycle. I've felt a small twinge here and there, but nothing more. It's amazing!
And now for an embarrassing confession. I actually sat down today and figured out what my due date would be if I got a good report from Dr. Dunn on Friday and got pregnant this cycle.
October 5, 2008.
An October baby! Another Libra! Okay, yes, my hopes are officially high now. Hopefully I am not setting myself up for disappointment.
Sunday, December 30, 2007
Results in 5-10 days
Okay, here we go! I just went to the restroom and discovered that today is the start of a new cycle. It's SO different...I have ZERO cramps. This is so promising! For the past few years my cramps have been so intense that I've needed 4 advil just to take the edge off. Today I don't feel a thing!
I'm getting excited to call the doctor and set up the SHG. I am going to call first thing tomorrow morning and try to get an appointment for Friday. That would be cycle day 6. If we don't get in on Friday, then we will have to go on Monday or Tuesday of the following week since the test has to be done between cycle day 5 and 10.
It's time to get some results!!!
I'm getting excited to call the doctor and set up the SHG. I am going to call first thing tomorrow morning and try to get an appointment for Friday. That would be cycle day 6. If we don't get in on Friday, then we will have to go on Monday or Tuesday of the following week since the test has to be done between cycle day 5 and 10.
It's time to get some results!!!
Thursday, December 13, 2007
All fired up and no one to call!
A few weeks ago I received a bill for my surgery. I already paid out of pocket $1,083 to the surgical facility and $193 to Dr. Dunn. For those who are keeping track that is $1,276 for surgery AFTER insurance. I was already pissed about that. We are shelling out over $400 a month for insurance, and I think it's a bunch of bullshit that it doesn't pay more towards treatment.
ANYWAY...when I got this additional bill I just about went through the roof. I started to get really angry, but then I decided to wait to receive my explanation of benefits from the insurance company before getting too excited.
I got that in the mail today. I am an accountant and it took me nearly an hour of sitting and comparing the statements to make sense of them, so I think a regular person would be completely out of luck. It really infuriates me that insurance companies make things so difficult to understand. The whole system is designed to screw over the average person. Luckily for me, I am not average.
A close examination of the situation indicates to me that I am owed somewhere around $230 back from the surgical facility and I owe somewhere around an additional $425 to Dr. Dunn. I'm already annoyed as hell and it's too late to call and bitch at anyone tonight. Now I am just working myself up for the battle that I will have to fight tomorrow that will no doubt involve at least an hour on the phone with United Healthcare and the surgical facility trying to convince someone to send me the refund I am owed so that I can put that towards the balance due to the doctor.
I can't wait.
ANYWAY...when I got this additional bill I just about went through the roof. I started to get really angry, but then I decided to wait to receive my explanation of benefits from the insurance company before getting too excited.
I got that in the mail today. I am an accountant and it took me nearly an hour of sitting and comparing the statements to make sense of them, so I think a regular person would be completely out of luck. It really infuriates me that insurance companies make things so difficult to understand. The whole system is designed to screw over the average person. Luckily for me, I am not average.
A close examination of the situation indicates to me that I am owed somewhere around $230 back from the surgical facility and I owe somewhere around an additional $425 to Dr. Dunn. I'm already annoyed as hell and it's too late to call and bitch at anyone tonight. Now I am just working myself up for the battle that I will have to fight tomorrow that will no doubt involve at least an hour on the phone with United Healthcare and the surgical facility trying to convince someone to send me the refund I am owed so that I can put that towards the balance due to the doctor.
I can't wait.
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Oops
Well, my efforts to chart are not going very well so far! Jamie bought me an electric blanket, which I LOVE, but I think it is really messing with my ability to get accurate basal body temps. I haven't even tried to take my temp on the mornings when I'm using the electric blanket.
I've been telling myself that I need to start turning it off before I go to sleep, but with the cold front headed this way, I don't know if that is going to happen or not!
I've been telling myself that I need to start turning it off before I go to sleep, but with the cold front headed this way, I don't know if that is going to happen or not!
Thursday, December 6, 2007
No more estrogen!!!
At least for now!
I just took my last estrogen pill. It is hard to believe that it has already been 4 weeks since surgery. I'm beginning to get nervous and excited. Mostly nervous, though.
Dr. Dunn said once I discontinue the estrogen, it may take a few weeks for my body to gear up again and realize it needs to do its thing. Based on what he said, I should expect a period anywhere in the next 4-6 weeks. I think the quality of that period will tell me a lot about how successful the surgery was.
I will just be waiting...and waiting...and waiting.
When my period arrives, I am instructed to call the office immediately to schedule another SHG. It has to be done between cycle day 5 and 10. That will be the definitive answer to how my body has healed.
I feel so incredibly excited when I consider the possibility that in just 4-6 weeks I could be completely released to my regular ob/gyn and actively trying to conceive again. But it scares me at the same time, because I know how disappointed I am going to be if Dr. Dunn tells me that I haven't healed well enough to get pregnant.
I will still have recourse if that is the case - another laparoscopy/hysteroscopy. But I am soooo hoping that it won't be necessary. I have butterflies in my stomach just thinking about it.
I've decided to start a new chart tomorrow and pretend that it is the first day of a new cycle. We are under STRICT orders to be sure to be very careful and prevent pregnancy (on the off chance that I could actually conceive while on the estrogen), so I know for sure I won't get pregnant this first cycle. It's been a real pain, but Dr. Dunn feels strongly that he doesn't want us to get pregnant until he is certain that all is well due to a higher risk of possible miscarriage if I still have scar tissue.
I still want to chart so I can tell if and when I ovulate, because that will let me know when to expect a period and keep my obsessing to a minimum (maybe).
I just took my last estrogen pill. It is hard to believe that it has already been 4 weeks since surgery. I'm beginning to get nervous and excited. Mostly nervous, though.
Dr. Dunn said once I discontinue the estrogen, it may take a few weeks for my body to gear up again and realize it needs to do its thing. Based on what he said, I should expect a period anywhere in the next 4-6 weeks. I think the quality of that period will tell me a lot about how successful the surgery was.
I will just be waiting...and waiting...and waiting.
When my period arrives, I am instructed to call the office immediately to schedule another SHG. It has to be done between cycle day 5 and 10. That will be the definitive answer to how my body has healed.
I feel so incredibly excited when I consider the possibility that in just 4-6 weeks I could be completely released to my regular ob/gyn and actively trying to conceive again. But it scares me at the same time, because I know how disappointed I am going to be if Dr. Dunn tells me that I haven't healed well enough to get pregnant.
I will still have recourse if that is the case - another laparoscopy/hysteroscopy. But I am soooo hoping that it won't be necessary. I have butterflies in my stomach just thinking about it.
I've decided to start a new chart tomorrow and pretend that it is the first day of a new cycle. We are under STRICT orders to be sure to be very careful and prevent pregnancy (on the off chance that I could actually conceive while on the estrogen), so I know for sure I won't get pregnant this first cycle. It's been a real pain, but Dr. Dunn feels strongly that he doesn't want us to get pregnant until he is certain that all is well due to a higher risk of possible miscarriage if I still have scar tissue.
I still want to chart so I can tell if and when I ovulate, because that will let me know when to expect a period and keep my obsessing to a minimum (maybe).
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