Saturday, July 26, 2008

I am not an outwardly religious person.

This blog has been very quiet for a long time. Jamie and I decided a few months ago that after my lining check, we were going to give my body some time to rebuild and take a much needed break from trying to conceive. The baseball team went deep into playoffs and we had 2 big vacations this summer. We really didn't have time to even think about it, so it has been placed deep into the back of our minds for a few blissful months. I loved our break. I loved not waking up to a thermometer in my mouth. I loved having a sex life that was spontaneous and not dictated by ovulation tests. I felt free of all the stress, disappointment, and sadness that I had been feeling for the better part of a year.

Dr. Dunn told us back at our last visit that he wanted us to try on our own for 3 cycles, and then he wanted to test Jamie. He was due to get a semen analysis back in May, but since we were breaking anyway we put it off. We didn't really discuss it much, because it led to a heated exchange each time the subject would come up, but I am sure both of us were hoping to get pregnant during our break and not have to deal with it. Of course that didn't happen. I'm really having a hard time coming back out of denial yet again and facing more testing. It has been a really rude awakening for me.

Jamie went in for his semen analysis on Friday, which was what he described as a totally humiliating experience. I can relate to a degree, because sitting with your legs spread in stirrups while a man who is not your husband sticks his head and face down in your vagina is a little humiliating too. The stress level in our house is high, and I hate it.

I am supposed to go in for more bloodwork, because they like to have current tests in your file at all times, and my original ones are now over a year old. The semen analysis results will come in on Thursday. Once I go in for my tests and all results are in, Dr. Dunn will sit down with us again to come up with yet another plan.

I think I have cried every day this week, and I'm so tired of this. I've reached some sort of breaking point. I am not an outwardly religious person, but I do have a personal relationship with God. For the most part, it is something private that I keep to myself. I have prayed about this a lot. In the beginning I felt led to seek treatment, but the more time that goes by, the more I feel like there is a lesson that God is trying to teach me. He keeps telling me that He is in charge. I am not in control. Things will happen according to His plan. And He is telling me to wait - to be patient.

Unfortunately, He is not telling Jamie to wait. Jamie is still very driven to seek medical intervention - any intervention, whatever it takes. I am just not in the same place, and it's causing a lot of friction and hurt feelings.

So, that is where we stand right now.