Seasons of Life

I got this as an email forward and loved it. It seemed very appropriate to post here.

There was a man who had four sons. He wanted his sons to learn not to judge things too quickly, so he sent them each on a quest, in turn, to go and look at a pear tree that was great distance away.

The first son went in the winter, the second son in the spring, the third son in the summer and the youngest son in the fall. When they had all gone and returned, he called them together to describe what they had seen.

The first son said that the tree was ugly, bent and twisted.

The second son said it was covered with green buds and full of promise.

The third son disagreed; he said it was laden with blossoms that smelled so sweet and looked so beautiful, it was the most graceful thing he had ever seen.

The last son disagreed with all of them; he said it was ripe and drooping with fruit, full of life and fulfillment.

The man then explained to his sons that they were all right, because they had each seen only one season in the tree’s life. He told them that you cannot judge a tree, or a person, by only one season in their life. The essence of who they are, and the pleasure, joy and love that come from that life can only be measured at the end, when all season are up.

If you give up when it’s winter, you will miss the promise of your spring, the beauty of your summer, and the fulfillment of your fall.

Don’t let the pain of one season destroy the joy of all the rest. Don’t judge life by one difficult season. Preserver through the difficult times, knowing that better times are sure to come.

Thanksgiving Update

Our 4th injectable cycle has not been successful. It would have been neat timing to find out we are having a baby on Thanksgiving, but that was not in the big plan for this year. I don't have any idea what is next, and I cancelled my doctor's appointment yesterday in favor of coming home and going to the movies with Jamie and Elise.

But, we are sitting in our warm house on this Thanksgiving Day with our doggies and a beautiful little girl who was given to us to love...and each other! In a few hours we will be enjoying honey baked ham, roasted chicken, mashed potatoes, corn, green bean casserole, broccoli rice casserole, macaroni & cheese, sweet potatoes, cranberry sauce, rolls, deviled eggs, mimosas, tea, coffee, chocolate pie, and pumpkin cheesecake - we could not be anything other than THANKFUL, for we are extremely blessed.

Injectable Cycle #4

I had an appointment with Dr. Dunn earlier this week, and after talking with him we decided to give this another go. In my last cycle, he was pretty happy with my response to the meds, but my body started to ovulate on its own a bit early (which is discovered through testing LH levels in the blood). This caused us to have to trigger ovulation before all the follicles were ready, thus giving us only 2 really good follicles. He thinks if we could have gone another day or so, we may have seen 3 or 4 mature follicles...which would be really super awesome and ideal. So, this time he has a plan to be sure we get that extra day.

I'll be injecting a new drug that acts as an antagonist to hold off ovulation until we are ready. The medication is called Ganirelix. In addition to the Ganirelix, I will also inject a microdose of Ovidrel (same medication as the trigger shot, but smaller dose). I didn't ask if I would also be injecting the Gonal-F on the same days as the microdose of Ovidrel and the Ganirelix...I need to ask about that, but I have a few more days before it will become an issue.

I started the Gonal-F injections today (same dose as last cycle, 75iui). First scan will be on Monday.

Part of me thinks I am crazy to go down this road again - especially during the holidays - but overall I am really glad to be trying again. We still have not totally perfected my protocol, and I'd like to have a few really great, textbook cycles before officially throwing in the towel.

I don't know if this is going to work or not, but I feel really at peace either way. When they did my baseline scan yesterday, they told me I have a cyst and had to send me down to the lab for bloodwork to be sure it wasn't producing any estrogen. The Melanie of 2 or 3 years ago would have been in a panic over the idea that I may have to wait another cycle, but the Melanie I am today wasn't worried at all. There are many things I've tried to control in the past, and if this whole experience has taught me one thing, it is WHO is actually in control at all times. ;)

And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.

Romans 8:27,28 ESV

Everything rides on hope now

Well, I said I was done with this. I was ready to begin the process of accepting our family as complete. I meant it wholeheartedly at the time. But now I am changing my mind.

I've had a series of very vivid dreams over the past 10 days or so. All involving babies - specifically me having them. They are the most wonderful dreams. The pregnancy goes perfectly. I have an uncomplicated, natural childbirth. And I wake up just as I begin to nurse the baby for the first time. I struggle to go back to sleep so I can continue the dream. And I can't stop thinking about it.

I'm not ready to give up. I am going to call the doctor tomorrow and schedule an appointment to formulate a plan. Jamie has never been ready to give up, so he's excited. We have only 2 more weeks of football left, so the timing is good.

I could use tons of prayers, because I'm pretty nervous where this leads us if it doesn't work again.

A good day

There are many, many days that I struggle. But sometimes I have good days. Today was a good day. On days like today, I feel totally happy with my family. I feel fulfilled to be the mommy of one absolutely perfect and wonderful little girl. I embrace things the way they are. It's a good feeling when it happens. :)

They say time heals all wounds. Maybe someday, all my days will feel like today. Isn't that a nice thought?

It's hard this time of year

I woke up early last Saturday morning, which was frustrating because it was one of the few mornings I had the opportunity to sleep in! I think I was excited, because I was decorating for fall last weekend and thinking about the holidays. As I was laying in bed debating whether I should just get up or try to go back to sleep, I was picturing our family on Christmas morning in past years and thinking about what our family will look like on Christmas morning this year and in future years. Being a small family of three is hard this time of year.

To me, Christmas is all about kids. It's so fun to see the magic of the season through their eyes. I was thinking about watching Elise rush down the stairs on Christmas morning to check out her loot. I know I probably don't have too many of those years left with her, and I wonder if she feels lonely at our house sometimes.

About a month ago she wanted to eat dinner outside. I really don't enjoy eating outdoors (you know, bugs and all). I told her I was going to eat inside and she said, "That's okay, mommy. I'll go by myself." She picked up her plate and took it out on the back porch and sat at her little picnic table. I was surprised to see this independent streak in her, and I watched out the window as she sat and ate. I felt intensely sad to see her sitting at the table alone.

This is the same sort of sadness I feel on Christmas. I want her to have someone to open gifts beside her and play with her. Sure, we play with her, but I feel like it's not the same as having a "peer" to play with.

I keep telling myself that Elise is perfectly happy (she is). It's just hard, because this is not how I pictured my family. Yet, I know this must be how it was meant to be.

Firsts & Lasts

I was never going to be one of those mothers. You know the type...the ones who stand and cry as they wave goodbye to their children on their first day of Kindergarten. I never understood why moms would feel sad as they watch their children grow, learn, and thrive. This is a good thing after all! I was certainly never going to do it.

If there is one thing Elise has taught me, it is never say never! If I were to make a list of all the things I said I would never do as a parent before I actually had a child, I shudder to think how long that list would be!

I was never going to put my child in bed with me. This particular promise took less than 24 hours to be broken.

My child was going to be taught manners and would never talk back to me. Anyone with a child age 2 or older is probably laughing at this one. Wasn't I cute and naive?

I was not going to let my child watch television.

I was never going to feed my child fast food.

And I certainly was not going to cry when my child went off to school.

As the first day of school nears, I find that I can't even think about sending her to school without crying! I am sure to be a total mess on Monday. And I absolutely loathe crying in front of people - especially strangers! I am going to try to avoid it at all costs, but I have serious doubts as to whether or not I'll be successful.

One thing about people with secondary infertility is that we know exactly what we are missing. We've had the joy of raising one baby, and we know just how wonderful it is. Milestones take on a new meaning to us, because every single first is also a last. Elise's first day of Kindergarten will most likely be the last time I ever walk my child to their classroom on the first day of school. I'm so excited for her, but it makes me intensely sad at the same time.

I don't want to give up on the dream of having another baby, but we are taking a break for an indefinite amount of time. I've always said that when the process starts interfering with our quality of life, it will be time to stop. And the past few months have not been good quality. The drugs are hard on my body and the negative tests are even harder on me emotionally. I'm not doing well, and it's affecting the quality of my parenting as well as my overall happiness - which affects Jamie's overall happiness. I can recognize when I'm in an unhealthy place, and I know I need some help this time. I need to make that first call to the counselor for an appointment, but I'm still working up the nerve. I don't mind writing about my feelings on infertility (it's actually a bit therapeutic), but I absolutely hate to talk about it. I can't have a discussion about it without crying and as I said before, I hate crying in front of people. So, this holds me back from going to see the counselor. I'm sure she sees a fair amount of crying in her office, but I prefer to be strong, independent, and self-sufficient. I've always considered myself to be a capable, self sustaining person. To admit that I need to rely on someone else isn't easy for me (just one of my many faults). But I'm working on it and getting there, slowly but surely.

I can't say if or when we might try another medicated cycle. After 7 failed medicated cycles, I am feeling pretty defeated, and I know at this point the odds are not on our side (if you recall, injections are statistically most successful within the first 2-3 attempts and we have 3 failed attempts). Emotionally I am not sure how much more I can invest before going bankrupt.

Romans 5:1-5
Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.

Not feeling it

I hate to say this, and I certainly hate to be negative, but I really don't think I'm going to be pleased with the outcome of this cycle. I've known for a few days now. I guess just call it female intuition. As a matter of fact, I had a complete breakdown early Thursday morning from about 12:30am to a little after 1:00am. I haven't cried like that in a long time. It was uncontrollable sobbing, and I have no idea where it came from. Perhaps a progesterone side effect? I've never taken anything that made me cry so much. But I was laying in bed that night (not sleeping because Jamie was snoring) imagining the conversation between Jamie and I...the one where I have to look him in the eyes and tell him that I'm sorry I can never give him a baby. The one where we finally give up. I don't know how I am ever going to get through that conversation, and I feel like it's becoming more and more imminent now. I feel like anytime I really hurt over this process, I'm hurting 100x more for him than I am for myself.

One of my friends told me that the time period between 2 and 3 years of struggling with infertility is the hardest. The first year was really hard. Really hard. I spent a lot of time in a state of anger and just trying to really absorb everything and come to grips with it. The second year, I feel like we were just kind of coasting. I made peace with a lot of things during the second year - some things not even related to infertility, but the journey has made me face a lot and think about a lot of things. We were getting into the medicated cycles, and we still had a lot of options during the second year. Now the third year has begun, and the fear is setting in. We are running out of options, or at least it feels that way to me.

Jamie and I were talking this morning about sending Elise off to Kindergarten. We've been spending a lot of time shopping for school supplies, school clothes/shoes, talking to her to prepare her for the transition. It's such an exciting time for her, and I'm enjoying every minute. She's not a toddler anymore. The toddler years are so precious, but I am loving my older child even more. Jamie and I were talking about how hard it is going to be to have to start all over if we do get pregnant. I haven't changed a diaper in years, and I think I've totally forgotten how to feed a baby! It's amazing how that knowledge fades in just a few years. I guess there is something to be said for having children close together - everything is still fresh on your mind.

Right now it all just seems so completely intangible and unattainable. Dr. Dunn has passed me the information for an infertility counselor, and I am beginning to wonder if maybe I should meet her sometime. I'm not sure of the cost. I guess it might be worth finding out. What I would really love to do is just find a way to forget about all of this.

A so-so report

At the scan today we learned I now have 10 follicles growing...however, only one is mature. The nurse explained to me that all 10 will release eggs, but the ones measuring on the smaller side will not be mature enough to allow for fertilization and implantation (my mature follicle measures 22, and the next largest is only 15).

My blood work revealed that my LH levels are on the rise, so I had to go ahead and trigger ovulation tonight. (For those who do not know, LH is lutenizing hormone, and this hormone level increases as your body gears up to ovulate. Since my levels are already rising, this means my body is about to ovulate, so we cannot stimulate any further to give the smaller follicles time to mature.) This means we will most likely only have one mature egg. Even though I still remain optimistic, this is a bit disappointing...I can get one egg all on my own without medication. So, I'm feeling a tad bit defeated - like I just injected myself for a week for nothing. I'm already anxious to see the doctor and ask all my questions - mainly...WHAT'S NEXT?

But then I remind myself that we could very well get pregnant this cycle. God can direct this process, and it only takes one egg to make a baby. So, we are okay.

Worrying ends where faith begins.

Another scan, another update

I now have six follicles in various stages of maturity (they range from 10-16, with 10 being the smallest measurable size). Yikes. Four of them are on the left and two are on the right. I read the ultrasound myself before I even saw the nurse (yes, I have this ability now), so I knew there were six right away. I was really nervous this would mean another cancelled cycle. Luckily my estrogen seems acceptable to the doctor, and we are still moving forward. The nurse said we will trigger before all the follicles are mature enough to release eggs - she expects us to release 2 or 3 eggs. I'm staying on 75iui tonight and I'll be checked again tomorrow. I was hoping to avoid yet another trip to the medical center over my lunch hour, but it is for a good cause. I'm anxious to see what happens tomorrow and find out when we will ovulate. I'm still hoping for 3 mature follicles, but at this point I'll consider us fortunate if we don't have to cancel. We will be thankful for whatever we get.

My lining measurement increased slightly to 6mm, so if we could thicken it even more, that would be an added bonus.

Injectable cycle #3, scan #2

Got that? :) Good, because I've lost count of how many scans I've had over the past few years! The ultrasound tech and I are on a first name basis. I always get the same lady, and she doesn't even have to give me any directions anymore. We are on the same page.

But I digress...

Okay, everything was looking good today. I have 3 follicles maturing on the left side - this is great, because our goal was to see 3 follicles this time. So, yay! Let's hope they continue to grow. My E2 number was 496. Again, yay, that is right on target.

Interesting that I'm all of a sudden producing follicles on the left. I've *always* ovulated from the right side. Hmmmmm. Well, good to know my left ovary is still alive over there! I'm sure my right ovary appreciates the break. ;) Hey, way to contribute to the cause, left ovary!

I'm still feeling very optimistic. As a matter of fact, I've made a very serious effort to not forget one single dose of my vitamins lately, and I've also added a probiotic back into the routine as well. I've been meaning to do that anyway to prepare for what is sure to be a wicked upcoming flu season...so now is a great time!

I have another scan and more bloodwork on Wednesday. For now there will be no change in the med dose...it's working just as we want. I think I'll get a date for the trigger shot on Wednesday afternoon after my bloodwork comes back from the lab. I'm getting excited!!

Time for another new song. :)

The Gene Machine

As we were exploring the game room at Dave & Busters tonight, I happened to notice a small photo booth. It was called The Gene Machine. It takes a photo of you and your partner, then generates a picture of what your children might look like. Of course I couldn't resist. So, in case we never get to find out for sure, we now have a picture of what our son and daughter might look like. It was fun, and I think they are pretty darn cute! We aren't too sure what is going on with our future son's ears, though. LOL

Sorry they are blurry - it's a picture of a picture.