The holidays are here again, and I find myself in a place of acceptance. I have all but given up the dream of a baby, and I've come to a place where I rarely give way to the hopes I used to entertain so often. We are a family of three.
I took a big step today - it sounds silly, but I have always wanted a mother's necklace, a symbol of the family I have created. Something pretty to wear that I can look at and smile about. I have held back for so long, because I wanted so badly to add to the family before commemorating it with a piece of jewelry. Today I was tired of waiting, so I ordered my necklace. It has only one birthstone, but it is mine and it represents the child I have been blessed with. It's my Christmas gift to myself.
It has been a year now since our last injectable cycle. Wow...what a difference a year makes. 2010 has been a HARD year. Not just the lost surrogacy and lost baby...but hard in so many other ways too. It has become progressively harder for me to find the blessings in everything lately. I feel somewhat under attack. I can't remember the last time I went to church, and that is bothering me too.
There are many nights when I lay in bed and think back to our first year of marriage, when so much possibilty seemed to be at our fingertips. We had a plan...or so we thought...of how things would go. I still long to see Jamie hold a newborn baby. I just know he would totally amaze me. And I try to take comfort in knowing I will get to see that someday in Heaven. But right now, here on Earth, it still hurts.