Everything rides on hope now

Well, I said I was done with this. I was ready to begin the process of accepting our family as complete. I meant it wholeheartedly at the time. But now I am changing my mind.

I've had a series of very vivid dreams over the past 10 days or so. All involving babies - specifically me having them. They are the most wonderful dreams. The pregnancy goes perfectly. I have an uncomplicated, natural childbirth. And I wake up just as I begin to nurse the baby for the first time. I struggle to go back to sleep so I can continue the dream. And I can't stop thinking about it.

I'm not ready to give up. I am going to call the doctor tomorrow and schedule an appointment to formulate a plan. Jamie has never been ready to give up, so he's excited. We have only 2 more weeks of football left, so the timing is good.

I could use tons of prayers, because I'm pretty nervous where this leads us if it doesn't work again.

A good day

There are many, many days that I struggle. But sometimes I have good days. Today was a good day. On days like today, I feel totally happy with my family. I feel fulfilled to be the mommy of one absolutely perfect and wonderful little girl. I embrace things the way they are. It's a good feeling when it happens. :)

They say time heals all wounds. Maybe someday, all my days will feel like today. Isn't that a nice thought?

It's hard this time of year

I woke up early last Saturday morning, which was frustrating because it was one of the few mornings I had the opportunity to sleep in! I think I was excited, because I was decorating for fall last weekend and thinking about the holidays. As I was laying in bed debating whether I should just get up or try to go back to sleep, I was picturing our family on Christmas morning in past years and thinking about what our family will look like on Christmas morning this year and in future years. Being a small family of three is hard this time of year.

To me, Christmas is all about kids. It's so fun to see the magic of the season through their eyes. I was thinking about watching Elise rush down the stairs on Christmas morning to check out her loot. I know I probably don't have too many of those years left with her, and I wonder if she feels lonely at our house sometimes.

About a month ago she wanted to eat dinner outside. I really don't enjoy eating outdoors (you know, bugs and all). I told her I was going to eat inside and she said, "That's okay, mommy. I'll go by myself." She picked up her plate and took it out on the back porch and sat at her little picnic table. I was surprised to see this independent streak in her, and I watched out the window as she sat and ate. I felt intensely sad to see her sitting at the table alone.

This is the same sort of sadness I feel on Christmas. I want her to have someone to open gifts beside her and play with her. Sure, we play with her, but I feel like it's not the same as having a "peer" to play with.

I keep telling myself that Elise is perfectly happy (she is). It's just hard, because this is not how I pictured my family. Yet, I know this must be how it was meant to be.