Sunday, August 9, 2009

Not feeling it

I hate to say this, and I certainly hate to be negative, but I really don't think I'm going to be pleased with the outcome of this cycle. I've known for a few days now. I guess just call it female intuition. As a matter of fact, I had a complete breakdown early Thursday morning from about 12:30am to a little after 1:00am. I haven't cried like that in a long time. It was uncontrollable sobbing, and I have no idea where it came from. Perhaps a progesterone side effect? I've never taken anything that made me cry so much. But I was laying in bed that night (not sleeping because Jamie was snoring) imagining the conversation between Jamie and I...the one where I have to look him in the eyes and tell him that I'm sorry I can never give him a baby. The one where we finally give up. I don't know how I am ever going to get through that conversation, and I feel like it's becoming more and more imminent now. I feel like anytime I really hurt over this process, I'm hurting 100x more for him than I am for myself.

One of my friends told me that the time period between 2 and 3 years of struggling with infertility is the hardest. The first year was really hard. Really hard. I spent a lot of time in a state of anger and just trying to really absorb everything and come to grips with it. The second year, I feel like we were just kind of coasting. I made peace with a lot of things during the second year - some things not even related to infertility, but the journey has made me face a lot and think about a lot of things. We were getting into the medicated cycles, and we still had a lot of options during the second year. Now the third year has begun, and the fear is setting in. We are running out of options, or at least it feels that way to me.

Jamie and I were talking this morning about sending Elise off to Kindergarten. We've been spending a lot of time shopping for school supplies, school clothes/shoes, talking to her to prepare her for the transition. It's such an exciting time for her, and I'm enjoying every minute. She's not a toddler anymore. The toddler years are so precious, but I am loving my older child even more. Jamie and I were talking about how hard it is going to be to have to start all over if we do get pregnant. I haven't changed a diaper in years, and I think I've totally forgotten how to feed a baby! It's amazing how that knowledge fades in just a few years. I guess there is something to be said for having children close together - everything is still fresh on your mind.

Right now it all just seems so completely intangible and unattainable. Dr. Dunn has passed me the information for an infertility counselor, and I am beginning to wonder if maybe I should meet her sometime. I'm not sure of the cost. I guess it might be worth finding out. What I would really love to do is just find a way to forget about all of this.


Heidi said...

(((hugs))) I'm sorry you had a breakdown. It is just so hard.

I've had the same thoughts about having another baby... like, am I seriously spending oodles of money *trying* to disrupt my sleep and deal with poop and spit up?

FWIW my infertility counselor charges between $75 and $125 for an hour session. For me, I haven't "seen" her often (we meet on the phone due to distance) but it has been worth every penny. I need another appointment, but between all our ivf/financial stuff I haven't pulled the trigger yet. But our lives would be so much better if I even did one appointment - she can quickly help me sort things out so I'm dealing with what I really need to deal with, rather than stay caught in the emotional web. I give infertility counselors a HUGE two thumbs up.

d e v a n said...

I hope this cycle is more promising than you think and I'm so sorry it's so hard!! I think the counselor is probably a good idea.

Lisa said...

Praying that this cycle surprises you!

surro said...

sorry you had a rough night :(

Thinking of you!

The Gail Family said...

I think you should consider seeing a counselor. I don't know how much you know about our situation but we have fertility issues and after trying for so long and having a miscarriage I totally lost it and broke down for days. I didn't think I was ever going to be able give Robert a baby and I knew how much he wanted a huge family. I went to a dark place and figured he would be better off without me so he could find someone else who could give him kids of his own. It was not good for our marriage. I'm sure you wouldn't do anything like that but I hope you will realize your mental health is worth the cost.

Kim Scott said...

I really think you should try to go see the counselor. It helped me quite a bit. I think of you and Jamie often. You are not far from my prayers Melanie.