Today's scan

I'm not feeling like typing much, so I'm just posting the results.

No mature follicles.
No improvement in the lining.

The nurse said to just skip the trigger shot. There is no point since I'm not producing an egg this cycle. We meet again with Dr. Dunn on November 7 - ironically one day short of being exactly one year post op.

I had to return to work after the scan, and that was pretty tough. Thankfully Lisa was comforting as usual. I don't know if there is much more the doctor can do for us. I don't know if increasing the estrogen and trying injectibles will be an option or not.

I am an idiot

I have been SO SICK over this that I haven't even managed to log on and type it out.

I screwed up my medication. I was supposed to be taking 2 Femara pills from cycle days 3-7. Instead I am a huge screw up and only took one. I didn't realize it until it was too late. As a result, I am not expecting to see multiple follicles at my scan tomorrow.

The Viagra has made me really sick for the past 10 days. Within 30 minutes of taking it, I can feel the blood rushing to all parts of my body, and it's an intense and painful feeling. It's making my gums bleed a lot when I brush my teeth, to the point where I can still taste blood for about an hour after I brush. I've been up all night for the majority of the nights since I began taking it. Oddly enough, since I started the estrogen, I have been sleeping through the night again. I don't know what the deal is, but I am thankful for some relief. I'm really disgusted that I am going through all of this, and it could be for nothing thanks to my Femara mishap.

I called the nurse as soon as I realized I had messed up, and she talked me down from the ledge. She told me that this happens, and we need to just move on and not worry about it. She wanted me to continue all the other meds as planned, and she told me that we'll just see how I respond to a half dose of Femara.

I go for my ultrasound tomorrow, and I'm terrified. If they tell me the lining is not improved, I don't even know where to go from here. Maybe a higher dose of estrogen? Or maybe there is nothing more we can do? My stomach is in knots.

I've beat myself up over and over for messing up. This should be THE most important thing in my life right now. Yet, I am so over-extended with work and other responsibilities that I was careless. I decided that my life is way too disorganized, and as a result, I've spent the entire weekend decluttering my house. I'm hoping this will help me also declutter my mind. How could I do something so stupid? After all that we've been through.

Some information on Viagra

A good synopsis can be found in an article written by a brilliant infertility specialist, Dr. Geoffrey Sher. (Thanks for pointing me in this direction, Amanda!). The article can be read here.

The cyst is gone

I had another scan done with the start of a new cycle on Thursday. It was all clear, so I am back on a medicated cycle. The plan this time:

• Femara - cycle day 3-7
• Viagra - cycle day 3-12
• Estradiol cycle day 10-12
• Ovidrel (shot to trigger ovulation) - cycle day 13

The Ovidrel may move around a bit depending on what my mid-cycle scan shows. I am going on October 27th (cycle day 13) to have that scan performed. If all looks good with mature follicles, I will trigger that evening. I've been reading more information on Viagra for lining issues. It was briefly addressed on an infertility blog that I will now link over on the right side of the page. There is a lot of good information there.

I suppose I should be more enthusiastic about this cycle, trying new medication, etc. The truth is that I've really lost the wind from my sails lately. It seems like there have been more tears than usual, and the beginnings of acceptance are creeping in. I'm talking about the acceptance that this just might not happen for us. We've been trying for a long time now, and I'm still in the game for now. But I need to establish some type of ending point to this, because I feel like my life is on hold. Not in the literal sense, but in my head. I realize now more than ever how important it is to treasure every single moment and every stage of Elise's childhood. This journey with infertility is taking a small piece of that joy away from me, and I don't like that. I need to start living my life to the fullest, and right now I feel like I can't do that because I am constantly waiting for this huge, life changing event to happen. Every month when it doesn't happen, it breaks my heart a little bit. There definitely has to be an end - whether it involves a pregnancy and new baby or an acceptance that it wasn't meant to be. I need one or the other to happen sometime in the relatively near future. Jamie and I talked about it tonight. He agrees, but neither of us are sure when it will be. We talked about the summer, because that would be the 2-year mark since this all began. But nothing is set in stone other than the beginnging of that realization.