Saturday, October 18, 2008

The cyst is gone

I had another scan done with the start of a new cycle on Thursday. It was all clear, so I am back on a medicated cycle. The plan this time:
  • Femara - cycle day 3-7
  • Viagra - cycle day 3-12
  • Estradiol cycle day 10-12
  • Ovidrel (shot to trigger ovulation) - cycle day 13

The Ovidrel may move around a bit depending on what my mid-cycle scan shows. I am going on October 27th (cycle day 13) to have that scan performed. If all looks good with mature follicles, I will trigger that evening. I've been reading more information on Viagra for lining issues. It was briefly addressed on an infertility blog that I will now link over on the right side of the page. There is a lot of good information there.

I suppose I should be more enthusiastic about this cycle, trying new medication, etc. The truth is that I've really lost the wind from my sails lately. It seems like there have been more tears than usual, and the beginnings of acceptance are creeping in. I'm talking about the acceptance that this just might not happen for us. We've been trying for a long time now, and I'm still in the game for now. But I need to establish some type of ending point to this, because I feel like my life is on hold. Not in the literal sense, but in my head. I realize now more than ever how important it is to treasure every single moment and every stage of Elise's childhood. This journey with infertility is taking a small piece of that joy away from me, and I don't like that. I need to start living my life to the fullest, and right now I feel like I can't do that because I am constantly waiting for this huge, life changing event to happen. Every month when it doesn't happen, it breaks my heart a little bit. There definitely has to be an end - whether it involves a pregnancy and new baby or an acceptance that it wasn't meant to be. I need one or the other to happen sometime in the relatively near future. Jamie and I talked about it tonight. He agrees, but neither of us are sure when it will be. We talked about the summer, because that would be the 2-year mark since this all began. But nothing is set in stone other than the beginnging of that realization.