Uexpected sadness

One of the weirdest things about this journey I am taking is the unexpected waves of sadness.

I had the greatest day today. I took the morning off work to attend Elise's little dance performance and Christmas party. It was so much fun. I love that I was able to balance work and family today. Most days I am completely out of balance. I had a leisurely morning and got to be here to see Elise wake up and seek out our elves, take her to school, etc. After I dropped her off I had a bit of time to kill, so I went to Starbucks and sat inside reading a mindless gossip magazine and sipping a vanilla latte (with whip cream of course). Then I went back up to the school for the dance performance and party. It was so good to feel like a parent who is fully engaged. So often I feel disconnected.

I arrived in the office around lunchtime, feeling completely rejuvenated and I got a ton of things accomplished. It really reaffirmed my thoughts that I would love to eventually only work part time.

I came home and did an art activity with Elise, read her a story, and tucked her into bed. Then Jamie and I settled in together to watch one of our favorite shows on TV. Just a really nice day overall.

He just got up to take a shower, and I was sitting her finishing my glass of wine and watching the news. And it just hit me. I'm so sad. I can't understand why it works this way. It's been a perfect day. I have no reason to feel any discontent whatsoever. Yet I find myself fighting back tears.

Things aren't logical right now. I never know what feelings to expect from moment to moment. I can go literally weeks without thinking about things - or I might think of it every day for weeks. Sometimes it seems to come out of nowhere. Other times I think I will be sad and then I am not. I wonder how long it will be this way.

Just when I was beginning to feel sorry for myself...

I was asking around today on Mommy's Online about blogs that people follow. Someone pointed me to Angie Smith's blog, Bring The Rain. I clicked on the link to start at the beginning of the blog, which Angie started writing back in January of this year, when she discovered the baby she was carrying had terminal illnesses. I read a few entries, and was completely overcome with sadness. I stopped reading after that, because I recognized that I wasn't in the right state of mind to handle such things.

And it occurred to me...what is worse than not being able to achieve pregnancy. Learning that the baby you've been carrying and bonding with for 20 weeks has no chance of survival outside of your womb. And then after much prayerful consideration, making the decision to continue the pregnancy and giving birth to a baby that you only get to hold for a short time before she passes away in your arms. Giving the situation over 100% to God.

I can't even begin to comprehend that level of grief. Any pain and anguish that I may feel as a result of infertility just seems to pale in comparison. If you want to read this family's story, I really recommend Angie's blog. She is a beautiful writer and a beautiful person. Her faith and trust in God is remarkable. Surely if she can make it through, we all can.

Officially taking another break

Our most recent medicated cycle did not result in a pregnancy, so we're taking a break. Even though I am a little curious about Dr. Dunn's thoughts on our 3rd failed medicated cycle, I'm so sick of going to the doctor every 2 weeks that I'm not even going to bother to schedule an appointment to discuss it with him for a while.

We are crazy busy again (I think this is just a permanent way of life now), and I have plenty of happier things to enjoy. I'm going to try my best not to think about all of this and enjoy Christmas with my family. There is plenty of time in 2009 to deal with my infertility. It is what it is, and I can't change it.

Jamie wants to us to try the natural way this cycle, so I agreed to that. I am going to start taking my temperature again and I'll keep my chart updated (you can click the ticker above to see it). For the few that actually follow this mess, that will be something to check even though we aren't really doing anything to increase our odds for a while.

I was reading the Stories of Persistence on the Infertility Blog (linked on the right) last night. That was kind of neat.

Tears and Hope

The video on this website was VERY hard for me to watch, but I think it does a perfect job of explaining how we feel.

Tears and Hope

Permanent Changes

This evening I packed 2 boxes of maternity clothes to give away to some online friends of mine who are expecting babies. I am heading to the post office to mail them tomorrow. I now only have 2 very small shopping bags of maternity clothes. I keep them upstairs in a spare bedroom closet. That is also the room where I keep Elise's baby furniture and baby clothes - the room that I planned to turn into a nursery. I have put a lot of her clothes on consignment and donated most of the rest. The furniture...I think that will be the last thing to go. It's going to be the most expensive to replace if we actually do get pregnant someday. At this point the decision to keep it is more financially based than emotionally based. In many ways I think it would be good for me to have it out of the house. For now I settle for just keeping the door shut.

I think I actually feel okay about giving up all the clothing. I've been saving those maternity clothes for 5 years, and at this point it feels selfish to keep them to myself for some hypothetical pregnancy that may or may not ever happen when others can use them right now. I had been planning to donate them anyway, so when I found out that people I knew could use them, giving them away just felt like the right thing to do.

As I went through the bags to pack them up, I remembered little details about my pregnancy with Elise and when I had worn them. It made me a little bit sad, but it was also kind of a warm feeling to reflect on those memories. It's not something that I allow myself to do all that often. I didn't even cry.

I wonder if this is a step towards accepting that our family is complete? I'm not really sure yet. Some days I don't want to try anymore, and other days I feel like I could keep trying for years. It's a process that is unpredictable for me - I can be doing great and then all of a sudden something can trigger an emotion and this huge flood of sadness just rushes over me. Sometimes it happens at really inopportune times - such as glancing over at a new mom feeding her baby in the stands at a football game. All of a sudden in am in tears and trying my hardest to act normal so no one will notice and think I'm insane for crying at a football game!

I've reached a point now where some permanent changes have taken place. I think there will forever be a part of me now that gets a twinge of jealousy when I hear a story about someone getting pregnant by accident or on the first try. I will always feel a bit of resentment for the fact that things have not come easily to us...even if we do eventually have another child. It's a change in myself that I don't like. Bitterness is not a flattering characteristic. It's not the way that God would want me to behave, and yet it's something that I can't really control. Or I haven't learned how to control yet. I just don't think I'll ever be completely the same again.

Jamie and I talked a few nights ago, and if we aren't pregnant this cycle, I really want to take a break at least for December. I am so tired of going to the doctor every 2 weeks, and the drugs are making me bloated and irritable. I want to enjoy Christmas and worry about all of this in the new year. He agreed, mostly for my sake I think.