Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Uexpected sadness

One of the weirdest things about this journey I am taking is the unexpected waves of sadness.

I had the greatest day today. I took the morning off work to attend Elise's little dance performance and Christmas party. It was so much fun. I love that I was able to balance work and family today. Most days I am completely out of balance. I had a leisurely morning and got to be here to see Elise wake up and seek out our elves, take her to school, etc. After I dropped her off I had a bit of time to kill, so I went to Starbucks and sat inside reading a mindless gossip magazine and sipping a vanilla latte (with whip cream of course). Then I went back up to the school for the dance performance and party. It was so good to feel like a parent who is fully engaged. So often I feel disconnected.

I arrived in the office around lunchtime, feeling completely rejuvenated and I got a ton of things accomplished. It really reaffirmed my thoughts that I would love to eventually only work part time.

I came home and did an art activity with Elise, read her a story, and tucked her into bed. Then Jamie and I settled in together to watch one of our favorite shows on TV. Just a really nice day overall.

He just got up to take a shower, and I was sitting her finishing my glass of wine and watching the news. And it just hit me. I'm so sad. I can't understand why it works this way. It's been a perfect day. I have no reason to feel any discontent whatsoever. Yet I find myself fighting back tears.

Things aren't logical right now. I never know what feelings to expect from moment to moment. I can go literally weeks without thinking about things - or I might think of it every day for weeks. Sometimes it seems to come out of nowhere. Other times I think I will be sad and then I am not. I wonder how long it will be this way.

1 comment:

Tracy said...


I find that my "best" days often end in sadness because I just don't feel "complete". For instance, I love checking on my kids when they are asleep. However, its always hard for me to realize I don't have a 3rd child to sneak a look at. Every night, I realize that someone's missing.

Maybe it'll be different when I've had more time to adjust. Or when I either have another child or give up ttc. I'm not sure. But, its always nagging, always there, always threatening to come to the surface. Even on the best days.