Permanent Changes

This evening I packed 2 boxes of maternity clothes to give away to some online friends of mine who are expecting babies. I am heading to the post office to mail them tomorrow. I now only have 2 very small shopping bags of maternity clothes. I keep them upstairs in a spare bedroom closet. That is also the room where I keep Elise's baby furniture and baby clothes - the room that I planned to turn into a nursery. I have put a lot of her clothes on consignment and donated most of the rest. The furniture...I think that will be the last thing to go. It's going to be the most expensive to replace if we actually do get pregnant someday. At this point the decision to keep it is more financially based than emotionally based. In many ways I think it would be good for me to have it out of the house. For now I settle for just keeping the door shut.

I think I actually feel okay about giving up all the clothing. I've been saving those maternity clothes for 5 years, and at this point it feels selfish to keep them to myself for some hypothetical pregnancy that may or may not ever happen when others can use them right now. I had been planning to donate them anyway, so when I found out that people I knew could use them, giving them away just felt like the right thing to do.

As I went through the bags to pack them up, I remembered little details about my pregnancy with Elise and when I had worn them. It made me a little bit sad, but it was also kind of a warm feeling to reflect on those memories. It's not something that I allow myself to do all that often. I didn't even cry.

I wonder if this is a step towards accepting that our family is complete? I'm not really sure yet. Some days I don't want to try anymore, and other days I feel like I could keep trying for years. It's a process that is unpredictable for me - I can be doing great and then all of a sudden something can trigger an emotion and this huge flood of sadness just rushes over me. Sometimes it happens at really inopportune times - such as glancing over at a new mom feeding her baby in the stands at a football game. All of a sudden in am in tears and trying my hardest to act normal so no one will notice and think I'm insane for crying at a football game!

I've reached a point now where some permanent changes have taken place. I think there will forever be a part of me now that gets a twinge of jealousy when I hear a story about someone getting pregnant by accident or on the first try. I will always feel a bit of resentment for the fact that things have not come easily to us...even if we do eventually have another child. It's a change in myself that I don't like. Bitterness is not a flattering characteristic. It's not the way that God would want me to behave, and yet it's something that I can't really control. Or I haven't learned how to control yet. I just don't think I'll ever be completely the same again.

Jamie and I talked a few nights ago, and if we aren't pregnant this cycle, I really want to take a break at least for December. I am so tired of going to the doctor every 2 weeks, and the drugs are making me bloated and irritable. I want to enjoy Christmas and worry about all of this in the new year. He agreed, mostly for my sake I think.