For some reason, all of our TTC woes seem to bother me on holidays more than regular days. Especially holidays that seem to accentuate the passing of time. New Years is one of those kinds of days. Here we are, entering another year, and still no baby. And this year I don't even feel any closer to achieving that much desired goal. Last year I had a lot of optimism, since I had just had surgery in November 2007. I had a lot of reason to believe 2008 would be the year that we would get pregnant. Now that 2009 is here, I really don't have any reason at all to believe that this will be the year.
I learned from experience during 2008 that dealing with infertility causes people to experience the 5 stages of grief. At first there was denial. Why else would it have taken me several years to acknowledge that my body was not normal after Elise's birth? Then anger - I had a lot of anger. It has been primarily directed at the doctor who performed the surgery that left my uterus unbelievable scarred. Some of it has been misdirected at others. Since getting past the anger, I've done my fair share of bargaining, and there have definitely been feelings of depression. And now, as we begin 2009, I feel myself moving closer and closer to acceptance.
This will be the year. By the end of this year, we will either be pregnant or we will accept that our family is complete. We will not carry this burden into another year after this one, no matter what. With that in mind, we decided that we will begin to get VERY aggressive with treatments. We will not take any breaks or skip any cycles (unless medically required). I should begin a new cycle in the next day or two, and I will be on the phone to Dr. Dunn's office to schedule a baseline scan and appointment to determine what meds we will take next. I am also going to do some alternative treatments. Western medicine is a wonderful thing, but don't underestimate the power of acupuncture, yoga, and other techniques practiced in Eastern medicine. I am researching castor oil packs as well as a few other alternative options. I am going to come at this with everything I have this year. If a baby is not meant to be, I refuse to have any regrets about not trying every single method available.
So that's it. This is the year. You have no idea how great it feels to know that no matter what, there is an end in sight.