Postponing our next injectable cycle & counting our blessings

Jamie and I have decided to postpone any further medicated cycles until we get home from Jamaica. This means we'll sit out the next 2 cycles. I'm really at peace with this decision. I finally started a new cycle yesterday, and boy did it come with a vengeance. I was literally in bed in the fetal position for about 2 hours until I finally caved and took some Advil. I have tried REALLY hard to stay away from it, because I know it's not good for the lining. But I was not going to make it without some help last night. I took 2 and was still miserable, so I ended up taking 4 to get relief. I hate that I did it, but oh well. I don't know what it was about the Gonal F cycle that made it so horrid, but I can tell you that I do not look forward to doing that again. I don't know what I would have done if it had happened at work, so I am really thankful I was at home. I'm now wondering if my endometriosis has returned. That kind of pain isn't normal.

Our decision to wait was prompted by 3 things. The first and most obvious is the cysts. I know I'm out for this cycle anyway as I wait for them to reabsorb. The main thing is our vacation. I did the math and figured out that I would be finished with the injections and doing the progesterone suppositories by the time the trip rolls around. In theory I could do that while traveling. In practice, I choose not to put myself through it. I know I'm going to have side effects and may not feel very good while taking it - I felt pretty cruddy during the luteal phase of my last Gonal F cycle. Also, I really would like to be able to wear my bikini without fear of progesterone leaking everywhere! Then there is the issue of taking the suppositories through security at the airport. I am sure I could get through, but I don't really feel like explaining it to the security agent!

Then there is the 3rd reason we are waiting. As I've mentioned, I belong to 3 online communities for moms. Two are smaller private groups, and one is a larger public message board. I'm most active on the large board, and this is a group of women who I've been with for somewhere around 6-7 years. Most of us met on a fertility related site, and we've made a few migrations to different boards as our needs have changed (and sometimes out of necessity due to drama). It's really hard to describe the bond we feel for each other to people who are not involved. Most of us have never met in person (although I have met a few, which is super fun!), but we've been through so much together and gotten VERY close over the years. We've been through marriages, divorces, tons of births...and unfortunately a few deaths. Over the past few weeks, our group has been hit with tragedy twice. One of our members lost her husband following a 5 month battle with cancer at age 33 and another member lost her 8 month old daughter in a very sudden and unexpected manner. To say these 2 horrible tragedies have shaken us as a group would be an understatement.

I really can't come here and feel sorry for myself right now. I've cried for my friends so much over the past few weeks. I've hit my knees and thanked God for Jamie and Elise more times than I can count. I find myself at a total loss for words, and I wish there were something I could do for these 2 dear women who have experienced something no one should ever have to experience. All of a sudden, being infertile does not seem all that bad. If this were the worst thing that happens to our family, we are incredibly lucky.

So, I find myself not as focused on getting pregnant right now.

Of course, I still desire a baby. But I feel like the best thing I can do at the moment is just appreciate what I already have.