A so-so report

At the scan today we learned I now have 10 follicles growing...however, only one is mature. The nurse explained to me that all 10 will release eggs, but the ones measuring on the smaller side will not be mature enough to allow for fertilization and implantation (my mature follicle measures 22, and the next largest is only 15).

My blood work revealed that my LH levels are on the rise, so I had to go ahead and trigger ovulation tonight. (For those who do not know, LH is lutenizing hormone, and this hormone level increases as your body gears up to ovulate. Since my levels are already rising, this means my body is about to ovulate, so we cannot stimulate any further to give the smaller follicles time to mature.) This means we will most likely only have one mature egg. Even though I still remain optimistic, this is a bit disappointing...I can get one egg all on my own without medication. So, I'm feeling a tad bit defeated - like I just injected myself for a week for nothing. I'm already anxious to see the doctor and ask all my questions - mainly...WHAT'S NEXT?

But then I remind myself that we could very well get pregnant this cycle. God can direct this process, and it only takes one egg to make a baby. So, we are okay.

Worrying ends where faith begins.

Another scan, another update

I now have six follicles in various stages of maturity (they range from 10-16, with 10 being the smallest measurable size). Yikes. Four of them are on the left and two are on the right. I read the ultrasound myself before I even saw the nurse (yes, I have this ability now), so I knew there were six right away. I was really nervous this would mean another cancelled cycle. Luckily my estrogen seems acceptable to the doctor, and we are still moving forward. The nurse said we will trigger before all the follicles are mature enough to release eggs - she expects us to release 2 or 3 eggs. I'm staying on 75iui tonight and I'll be checked again tomorrow. I was hoping to avoid yet another trip to the medical center over my lunch hour, but it is for a good cause. I'm anxious to see what happens tomorrow and find out when we will ovulate. I'm still hoping for 3 mature follicles, but at this point I'll consider us fortunate if we don't have to cancel. We will be thankful for whatever we get.

My lining measurement increased slightly to 6mm, so if we could thicken it even more, that would be an added bonus.

Injectable cycle #3, scan #2

Got that? :) Good, because I've lost count of how many scans I've had over the past few years! The ultrasound tech and I are on a first name basis. I always get the same lady, and she doesn't even have to give me any directions anymore. We are on the same page.

But I digress...

Okay, everything was looking good today. I have 3 follicles maturing on the left side - this is great, because our goal was to see 3 follicles this time. So, yay! Let's hope they continue to grow. My E2 number was 496. Again, yay, that is right on target.

Interesting that I'm all of a sudden producing follicles on the left. I've *always* ovulated from the right side. Hmmmmm. Well, good to know my left ovary is still alive over there! I'm sure my right ovary appreciates the break. ;) Hey, way to contribute to the cause, left ovary!

I'm still feeling very optimistic. As a matter of fact, I've made a very serious effort to not forget one single dose of my vitamins lately, and I've also added a probiotic back into the routine as well. I've been meaning to do that anyway to prepare for what is sure to be a wicked upcoming flu season...so now is a great time!

I have another scan and more bloodwork on Wednesday. For now there will be no change in the med dose...it's working just as we want. I think I'll get a date for the trigger shot on Wednesday afternoon after my bloodwork comes back from the lab. I'm getting excited!!

Time for another new song. :)

The Gene Machine

As we were exploring the game room at Dave & Busters tonight, I happened to notice a small photo booth. It was called The Gene Machine. It takes a photo of you and your partner, then generates a picture of what your children might look like. Of course I couldn't resist. So, in case we never get to find out for sure, we now have a picture of what our son and daughter might look like. It was fun, and I think they are pretty darn cute! We aren't too sure what is going on with our future son's ears, though. LOL

Sorry they are blurry - it's a picture of a picture.

Injectables Take Three - AKA Third time's a charm!

I had a great appointment today - There is no cyst!!!!!! What an obvious and definite answer to prayer. This is the first time I've been able to do medicated cycles back to back.

Dr. Dunn told me that he does not believe my test was faulty. He said the loss was most likely due to a chromosomal abnormality...in other words, my lining was functioning properly and we did achieve implantation. He said we should all be very encouraged by this - and we are!

He ideally wants to see me produce 3 follicles, so he said we will try to push my body a bit further this time. He commented that we still have a lot of wiggle room for adjustments between the dose from my first injectable cycle (125iui) and the dose from my second injectable cycle (50iui). So, for the third try we are going with 75iui, and we'll see how I respond.

He shared with me 2 stories about patients in his practice who became pregnant this year with 5mm lining. He said function is sometimes more important than thickness (not totally sure what that means, but it sounds good). :)

So, I just took my first injection tonight and I am feeling more optimistic than ever. I'll have a scan and bloodwork on Monday.

Worrying ends where faith begins

It's been an interesting few days. Very early yesterday (Thursday) morning I got a very, very, very faint positive pregnancy test. When I say very faint, I mean 'I can see the line standing on my head with the test tiled exactly 67 degrees to the left' faint. I had to get a few other people to look at it just to be sure I wasn't dreaming the line into existence. I knew immediately it was not a viable pregnancy (if it was even a true positive result rather than a faulty test or evaporation line). At 12dpo the line would be much darker in a healthy pregnancy. Still, of course I let myself hope a little bit. After all, I've gone more than 2 years and peed on more tests than I care to admit and this was the first one that showed any promise whatsoever. When I got home last night I rushed in and took another test, and I wasn't surprised to see a clearly negative result. So, either it is a chemical pregnancy (a super early loss) or it was just a fluke with the test. I tested again this morning just to be sure. I was up for 2 hours in the middle of the night last night with cramping, so I thought *maybe* my little one was just a slow starter...wishful thinking, but it felt good to think positively for a while and daydream about a potential baby. I haven't done that in a long time. The baby would have been due on March 27 - yes, I even let myself look it up.

I called the nurse this morning after getting another negative HPT. I was hoping she would let me discontinue the progesterone, because it's making me slightly (okay, very) crazy. Much to my disappointment, she said maybe it's just too early, and I should continue the suppositories until my follow-up with Dr. Dunn next Thursday. They want to do a blood test to be sure I'm not pregnant before eliminating the progesterone. As much as I hated to hear that, I'm just trying to be at peace with everything.

My mantra for this coming week is going to be, "Worrying ends where faith begins." I have faith. This is going to work out one way or another. I'm not going to worry about how. I really believe there was a baby. And this is encouraging - we are finally getting somewhere. I feel like if I could do another injectable cycle back-to-back, maybe my lining could be thickened enough to help the next one stick. I'm focusing my prayers on a clean, cyst-free scan once a new cycle begins. This hasn't happened for me in the past, but I know it can happen in the future. The shots are working, and I just need to catch a break.

Thank you, God for that positive test. It gives me the extra determination I really needed to keep going. And I'll let Him do the worrying for me now.

And because my songs change with my moods, I have a new one that I love. Enjoy! :)

Daydreaming

For the past few days I've been torturing myself by visiting the pregnancy forum on a message board. I normally stay out of that area for obvious reasons. But I've been thinking about pregnancy non-stop since I took the trigger shot, and I cannot help myself. I specifically LOVE to read birth stories. When Elise was born, nothing went as planned. Although, looking back now, I must admit I didn't have a very concrete plan in the first place. I knew I didn't want an episiotomy, and I wanted an epidural...but that was about it. I had planned to take classes, but I ended up on bedrest and could not. So I read a few books, and I guess I was just going to wing it!

I would do things so differently the second time around.

It's one of the hardest things to cope with now - the fact that I learned so much from my experience with Elise, and I want so badly to apply that knowledge with another baby. I think I would be so much better next time - at the birth and afterwards. I think I would succeed at breastfeeding. I would handle the exhaustion with more grace, because now I know it gets better. I wouldn't panic in each new stage, because I know they pass. I would make different childcare choices. And I would have someone to share it with now. The list is endless.

Most of all, I want the chance to have the birth experience that I want. I've spent quite a bit of time lately daydreaming about how I'd like to give birth. I would definitely go natural next time (but by choice and not as a result of circumstance!). I've done it once, and I know I can do it again. I'd love a water birth. And I will definitely hire a doula. Along with the excitement of giving birth the second time around, there will be some fear and anxiety. I know I will be at high risk for placenta accreta, hemorrhage, and possible hysterectomy. I will need to keep things calm and focused.

Giving birth is such a personal experience, and when circumstances cause you to lose control over the experience, it's a difficult pill to swallow. I don't know that I've ever moved beyond it. I think having another child could be very therapeutic in that respect - kind of like I could reclaim the process for myself. Of course, it's just one of many reasons we want a baby, but I've been thinking about it constantly since Elise's birthday. I always remember her delivery on her birthday, and I hate that it causes me pain to recall that day. It was scary in the first place, since the delivery happened to so quickly, and it was also the day that I lost my ability to have more children. It makes the memory of her birth very bittersweet.

I want to make a new memory.

Five Years Ago Today

I had just been released from the hospital. I was so excited, because I got to spend the 4th with family and see the fireworks instead of being stuck in that darn hospital bed. Little did I know that just 2 days later, my precious Elise would be born.

Gosh, I can't believe it has been 5 years.



I always think about that day on July 4th. My life was about to change so much - and as it turns out, it changed more than I could have ever expected. Back then, I never thought I would be sitting where I am today, that is for sure. Being infertile is just one of the many things that lie before me in that picture. It's amazing - I'm not even the same person anymore. I've learned so much and grown in so many ways...and I do think my hair style has improved as well. ;)

The update from today's scan

We still have 2 follicles on the right (none worth measuring on the left). They are now at 18 & 16. E2 is 920. Lining is 6mm. We are going to take the trigger shot tomorrow morning. We're feeling optimistic, and would appreciate all the prayers we can get!