Friday, July 17, 2009

Worrying ends where faith begins

It's been an interesting few days. Very early yesterday (Thursday) morning I got a very, very, very faint positive pregnancy test. When I say very faint, I mean 'I can see the line standing on my head with the test tiled exactly 67 degrees to the left' faint. I had to get a few other people to look at it just to be sure I wasn't dreaming the line into existence. I knew immediately it was not a viable pregnancy (if it was even a true positive result rather than a faulty test or evaporation line). At 12dpo the line would be much darker in a healthy pregnancy. Still, of course I let myself hope a little bit. After all, I've gone more than 2 years and peed on more tests than I care to admit and this was the first one that showed any promise whatsoever. When I got home last night I rushed in and took another test, and I wasn't surprised to see a clearly negative result. So, either it is a chemical pregnancy (a super early loss) or it was just a fluke with the test. I tested again this morning just to be sure. I was up for 2 hours in the middle of the night last night with cramping, so I thought *maybe* my little one was just a slow starter...wishful thinking, but it felt good to think positively for a while and daydream about a potential baby. I haven't done that in a long time. The baby would have been due on March 27 - yes, I even let myself look it up.

I called the nurse this morning after getting another negative HPT. I was hoping she would let me discontinue the progesterone, because it's making me slightly (okay, very) crazy. Much to my disappointment, she said maybe it's just too early, and I should continue the suppositories until my follow-up with Dr. Dunn next Thursday. They want to do a blood test to be sure I'm not pregnant before eliminating the progesterone. As much as I hated to hear that, I'm just trying to be at peace with everything.

My mantra for this coming week is going to be, "Worrying ends where faith begins." I have faith. This is going to work out one way or another. I'm not going to worry about how. I really believe there was a baby. And this is encouraging - we are finally getting somewhere. I feel like if I could do another injectable cycle back-to-back, maybe my lining could be thickened enough to help the next one stick. I'm focusing my prayers on a clean, cyst-free scan once a new cycle begins. This hasn't happened for me in the past, but I know it can happen in the future. The shots are working, and I just need to catch a break.

Thank you, God for that positive test. It gives me the extra determination I really needed to keep going. And I'll let Him do the worrying for me now.

And because my songs change with my moods, I have a new one that I love. Enjoy! :)


Lisa said...

Aaaargh! I was so, so hopeful! I know that this is going to happen soon. You are such an inspiration for your faith and strength and I cannot wait the day I get to celebrate a beautiful baby with you!

Melissa said...

Praying for you, Melanie! Always!

Rumour Miller said...

When the world says, "give up." Hope whispers, "try it one more time."

Hang in there.

surro said...

awwwww! I had really strong (positive)feelings about this cycle. I feel like it was positive cycle since you got the +, but I am really hoping for a sticky bean!

Jamie said...

I like the mottos with hope and faith. Finally there is a ray of hope on what has been a LONG cloudy day. I love you sooooo much Mel. I hope and pray God will trust us enough to allow us to bring a little love into the world.