Daydreaming

For the past few days I've been torturing myself by visiting the pregnancy forum on a message board. I normally stay out of that area for obvious reasons. But I've been thinking about pregnancy non-stop since I took the trigger shot, and I cannot help myself. I specifically LOVE to read birth stories. When Elise was born, nothing went as planned. Although, looking back now, I must admit I didn't have a very concrete plan in the first place. I knew I didn't want an episiotomy, and I wanted an epidural...but that was about it. I had planned to take classes, but I ended up on bedrest and could not. So I read a few books, and I guess I was just going to wing it!

I would do things so differently the second time around.

It's one of the hardest things to cope with now - the fact that I learned so much from my experience with Elise, and I want so badly to apply that knowledge with another baby. I think I would be so much better next time - at the birth and afterwards. I think I would succeed at breastfeeding. I would handle the exhaustion with more grace, because now I know it gets better. I wouldn't panic in each new stage, because I know they pass. I would make different childcare choices. And I would have someone to share it with now. The list is endless.

Most of all, I want the chance to have the birth experience that I want. I've spent quite a bit of time lately daydreaming about how I'd like to give birth. I would definitely go natural next time (but by choice and not as a result of circumstance!). I've done it once, and I know I can do it again. I'd love a water birth. And I will definitely hire a doula. Along with the excitement of giving birth the second time around, there will be some fear and anxiety. I know I will be at high risk for placenta accreta, hemorrhage, and possible hysterectomy. I will need to keep things calm and focused.

Giving birth is such a personal experience, and when circumstances cause you to lose control over the experience, it's a difficult pill to swallow. I don't know that I've ever moved beyond it. I think having another child could be very therapeutic in that respect - kind of like I could reclaim the process for myself. Of course, it's just one of many reasons we want a baby, but I've been thinking about it constantly since Elise's birthday. I always remember her delivery on her birthday, and I hate that it causes me pain to recall that day. It was scary in the first place, since the delivery happened to so quickly, and it was also the day that I lost my ability to have more children. It makes the memory of her birth very bittersweet.

I want to make a new memory.