Thursday, August 5, 2010

Closure (also known as "the escape from the space in between")

Closure seems so elusive in my life. We've spent three years now waiting for answers to various questions that would eventually lead to the big answer to the big question - Will we be able to have another child? Because this big question remains unanswered, I find myself caught in what I call "the space in between". Living in the space in between is challenging, because it affects all your decisions.

Should we book a vacation for next summer?
What if I get pregnant and then we can't go? If we buy refundable airline tickets, we could get the money back...but those are more expensive. Do we just risk it and get the non-refundable tickets? Oh well, if I get pregnant I won't care about the tickets!

Should we go ahead and sell the nursery furniture?
It's taking up a whole room in our house, and we may never need it. But what if we get rid of it and then get pregnant? I would hate to have to buy a new set when we have this one that is perfectly good. But I would love to move Elise's toys in here and buy a dining room table.

I really want some new jeans. I wonder if I should buy them?
But if I spend money on these and then get pregnant, they aren't going to fit anymore.

I wonder if it would be okay to have a glass of wine tonight?
Hmm...did I already ovulate? I don't want to have it if I could be pregnant.

You get the idea. I find myself going through these scenarios in my head on practically a daily basis, and inevitably I end up feeling like a fool for planning anything around a possible pregnancy. But that is just an unfortunate part of living in the space in between.

A lot has happened since I last posted, but I wanted to have final resolution before I updated again...and that did not come until today.

Our baby left us on July 19th. It began right as I was leaving work to drive home, and by the time I pulled into the driveway about an hour later, I was in some serious pain. The pain really caught me off-guard. I did expect discomfort and cramping...I did not expect to feel like I was in labor. It was very intense pain that lasted four hours and finally tapered off, eventually disappearing altogether by late evening. I took a day off work and called the doctor the next morning, got scheduled for an ultrasound and thought the experience was behind me.

But it wasn't.

When I had my ultrasound 3 days later it revealed tissue and some fluid still in my uterus. This led to a painful procedure in the office that same day to attempt to remove what was left behind. At this point I was feeling very down. As if it weren't bad enough to lose the baby after all we'd been through - now I couldn't even do that correctly. When the procedure was over, I asked the doctor if he got everything, and he told me there was no way to be sure until they did another follow-up ultrasound. And for that, I would have to wait another 2 weeks.

No problem, right? After all, waiting is my specialty.

So my follow up was today, and I was given the all clear - finally! I also had a lining measurement of 6mm. While that is not ideal (8-10mm would be better), my baseline measurement is usually only around 4mm, so this is an improvement.

I feel like we may be getting a little closer to exiting the space in between. Either my fertility is returning and my lining is healing or this pregnancy was a once-in-a-lifetime fluke. Either way, I feel like I should know the answer by the end of the year. And that is a great feeling.

On a sort of unrelated (but not totally) note...we made a big decision a few weeks ago. We've decided to sell our house and move. This home was bought with the intention of being our starter house, plus we feel like we could really benefit from a change of scenery. Maybe our new house will bring us a new baby. Or at least a new swimming pool! ;-)


d e v a n said...

I'm glad that your u/s was clear! Good luck on the house stuff!

Anonymous said...

I'm glad your ultrasound showed all clear. I've been thinking of you a lot lately, but haven't been able to find the words. May the end of the year bring us both what we so desperately want. <3 U

Heidi said...

I'm so glad you don't have to have surgery after this long, painful ordeal! I hope it is the beginning off your fertility returning.

Tracy said...

I'm praying that your body is healing and your fertility is returning!!

Jess said...

I'm praying for you Melanie.

Katie said...

Good luck with the house stuff!
Praying God blesses you before the end of the year!