Thursday, September 9, 2010

Not much to update

The house is still for sale.

I'm still infertile (best I can tell).

But things are good. I'm in a happy place right now - not as happy as our first blissful year of marriage, before we knew we would be confronted with this issue, but probably the happiest I've been since it all began. Elise is doing really well right now, and that is probably a big part of the reason that I am doing well. She's just so amazing. She's reading now so when I put her to bed, she reads to me instead of the other way around. She's growing up before our eyes and I feel so proud of her and blessed to be her mom.

I realized recently that I could let go of the feeling that I need to give her a sibling. Let's face it - best case scenario she would be seven years older than a future sibling. That is a large enough gap that she won't have anything in common with her sibling growing up. I know when they are adults they could potentially be close, but the window has closed as far as giving her someone to grow up with. The pressure is off. It didn't happen. And you know what? It's okay. She's happy.

I know I'm emerging from my depression, because I've been able to put myself out there a bit more than usual lately. I joined a Bible study where I literally knew no one. I just showed up alone. For those who know me well, you will realize how out of character that is for me! But I'm so glad I did it. I also became a Scentsy consultant. I've thought about it for around a year, but never had the confidence to sign up. I figured I wouldn't be able to sell anything. A month after joining I've already earned back my initial investment, and I have four parties scheduled over the next month! It's been good for me to start developing some personal interests again. When I became a mom I put all my own interests aside - after all, I had a demanding newborn to raise! But she's far from a baby now, and I am finding myself with some spare time again. I had forgotten what that feels like!

And as I begin this process of getting to know myself again, a strange thing is happening. I am beginning to feel reluctant about having another child. Don't get me wrong - I'm not at the pharmacy with a prescription for birth control pills. But I am starting to wonder if the window is closing for me. I finally have some independence back and some new hobbies, and I am enjoying it. I don't know if I want to start over again at this point. I know that sounds a bit selfish, but I can't tell you how relieved I am to feel this way. It dulls the pain and makes it feel as though maybe this is the answer. We desperately wanted a baby, and we tried SO HARD to make it happen. And now maybe that phase is over and I am naturally moving forward.

It's been almost 9 months since the doctor told us there is no further treatment available to us. I can't believe it's been that long. I can't believe everything that has happened since then. I still browse the surrogacy message boards sometimes, and it's weird to follow the surrogates who transferred around the time we would have transferred with our surrogate. I know if that had worked out, my mindset would be 100% different. Life is just so strange sometimes.


Tracy said...

WTG Elise with the reading! Amazing! <3

I can understand what you're saying about having the feelings of being too far past the baby stage. Heck, there's only 3.5 years between my boys and it seems like an eternity. (So much has changed with products/baby gear in just 3 years, its amazing! but, that's another topic all together...)

d e v a n said...

I'm really glad that you are in a good place. :)