Monday, April 28, 2008

One Year

I've been dreading this, and I've put it out of my mind for quite some time now. In a few days when May arrives, we will have been trying to get pregnant for one year. It's just a number, and it doesn't even mean anything. God will bless us with children when the time is right. When our baby is finally conceived and born, we will be so glad for the timing, because that will be what gave us the exact child we are meant to have. So then why does it hurt so badly?

I think I've been in denial for a while now, trying to convince myself that I was fine with having an only child even if it came to that. I've been focusing on all the things I can do since I'm not pregnant - enjoy my wine, exercise, drink my morning coffee, not watch what I eat. In fact, I think I've been over indulging a bit.

Along with the whole one year anniversary thing, I've come to the realization that we are looking at - best case scenario - a 4.5 year age gap between children. And it could easily be more. I'm so afraid that my kids won't be close enough in age to play together, keep one another company, and be friends to one another. That is very upsetting, because the desire to give Elise a confidante is one of the reasons I want to add to the family. It's certainly not the only reason, but I'm in a panic all of a sudden. I feel like I'm running out of time.

I'm going to be 30 this year. While I'm mostly really excited about that and embracing it, I have to acknowledge that my fertility is not being enhanced by the extra year. Statistically speaking, I don't have a whole lot of child bearing years ahead of me.

With all these concerns running through my head, I almost feel like the walls are slowly closing in around me. Time is becoming of the essence to me, and everything is totally out of my control. And at some point, I'm going to have to deal with that.


Angie said...

Melanie- Huge hugs! Don't sweat the big age gap possibilities. At Brianna's 4th birthday I was 6 weeks pregnant with Allura. So there's nearly 5 years between them, and their relationship is just fine. They LOVE each other.

I am praying that God will soon bless you with Elise's long awaited sibling. All of the waiting will make the gift that much sweeter when it is given.

Amanda said...

Infertility makes me VERY claustrophobic- just like you described. I start going into a panic about everything... I'm getting older, Deacon is getting older, Deacon won't have a friend to play with, etc...

But honestly Melanie- these are all societal pressures. Like Angie said, kids are going to love their siblings no matter what the age difference is... If you had kids closer in age you would not get to spend so much time with Elise... just think of how much personal time each child gets with you now.

I used to stress about this, but I refuse anymore. I'm still really bitter, but I'm also thankful. I've REALLY enjoyed getting to spend all this individual time with Deacon- a lot of moms don't have that luxury.

The one year anniversary is hard... but please don't stress about the age gap. I'm convinced the only reason I used to stress about this is because society makes you think the best age gap is 2 years- which is a bit ridiculous in my opinion. A crying newborn and a temper tantrum throwing two year old? No thanks!

NesrstaFamily said...

Man, I am feeling the same thing with Ryan's upcoming deployment: anxiety, stress, loss of control. I just want you to know that I am here is you need to talk.

Also, I am not sure if this will help, but I think Elise will be ok because she has a Mommy and a Daddy who love her so. You were an only child and I think you turned out awesome. That is not to say that you are destined to have only one child. I am praying God blesses you with the child for you guys and I have a feeling he will. Just a gut feeling.

I just try to remind myself that everything has a purpose, like my husband walking directly into fire. There has to be a reason, right? I will just keep chanting that everything happens for a reason. I have to believe.

Jennifer said...

First I want to give you some hugs, because anyone who deals with infertility deserves all the hugs they can get.

And second I just want to tell you you are in my thoughts and prayers. Infertility sucks and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I know God will bless you with a child just like you said, in his time. And until that happens we will just keep praying for you day by day.

Melanie said...

Thanks so much ladies!!! Jen, you guys are in my prayers daily.

Angie said...

I agree with what Amanda said too about getting to give your kids individualized attention. There's nothing better.
You see these women who have 3 kids in the span of 3-4 years and I truly feel sorry them. They don't get to experience what I have.
And like Amanda said... dealing with a newborn AND tantrums? NO THANKS!! I much prefer my gaps, thanks!

I will continue to keep you in my prayers.

Love ya!