Yesterday's Scan

The follicle on the left had increased in size and is now measuring 20. I was instructed to continue the OPKs (finally got those working properly!) until Wednesday. If I don't get a positive OPK by Wednesday, I will take the Ovidrel shot to make me ovulate. My lining is still looking quite pitiful, measuring only 4mm even after more than a week of estrogen. Still, we will cross our fingers the egg can be fertilized and find a small spot to hang out for the next 9 months or so. Hey, nothing is impossible, right?

What is the deal with Clearblue Easy Digital OPKs??

How the hell do you make these damn things work??

I'm college educated for crying out loud. The stupid thing keeps giving me an error.

My ovaries are confused.

I had my mid-cycle scan and follicle check today. Not the greatest news, but I'm staying positive. I didn't have any mature follicles, but I had one on the left side that was measuring 10. The largest one on the right only measured 5, so it's pretty much out of the game. I'm disappointed to only have one follicle on a medicated cycle - I mean, I can produce just one all on my own.

I'm not exactly sure what's going on, but Dr. Dunn explained to us some number of months ago how Femara and estrogen would interact in cycles where we used both. Femara is stimulating the ovaries and making them work harder to produce multiple follicles. Then we come in and add estrogen, and it confuses my body. During a natural cycle, estrogen levels increase after ovulation. So, by supplementing estrogen prior to ovulation (in hopes of thickening my lining), it confuses my ovaries into thinking maybe I already ovulated...so, they stop working so hard to produce follicles. This is a tricky balancing act, because we have to find just the right amount of Femara to get multiple follicles and just the right amount of estrogen to thicken the lining without preventing the maturation of the follicles. I think the issue is we don't have the balance figured out yet. I'm on extra estrogen this time, since my lining hasn't responded in past cycles. And now I think the estrogen is affecting the amount and size of the follicles.

So, I'm trying to look at this cycle as a learning experience. Now we have some additional information about how my body responds to the drugs. And knowledge is a good thing. I'm guessing some adjustments will be made, if not some changes in the drugs I am taking next time around. I feel like I'm getting pretty close to a point where we might move on to injectibles - which is kind of scary for some reason. I guess it's scary anytime we exhaust one of our options. Plus, injectibles carry a much higher risk of twins/triplets.

I don't really like my nurse. I LOVE my doctor...but the nurse is just not very compassionate. She pretty much said she doesn't think I can get pregnant this cycle. I appreciate a straightforward approach as much as the next person, but gosh, she could at least act like she cares! After all, this news is difficult to hear.

Anyway - she wanted me to come back on Monday for another scan and continue the estrogen in the meantime. She also wanted me to start OPKs to see if I could pick up a surge sometime over the weekend. If we can get that follicle on the left to grow a bit more, we can do the trigger shot early next week and still salvage things. At this point I am just ready to move on with this new information we've gained.

II Corinthians 12:7-10

"(7)And lest I should be exalted above measure through the abundance of the revelations, there was given to me a thorn in the flesh, the messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I should be exalted above measure. (8)For this thing I besought the Lord thrice, that it might depart from me. (9)And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. (10)Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then I am strong."

This was the verse on which today's sermon was based at church today, and I thought it was really great timing. God must have known that Jamie and I needed to hear a sermon about His grace. Jamie is dealing with some employment related issues at the moment in addition to all of our TTC woes, and it was just the message I think we both needed to hear.

It reminded me that God's grace is sufficient to deal with this thorn in my side. Similarly to how God told Paul that he would not remove the thorn from his side, perhaps he is telling us that he will not remove our thorn. But his grace will see us through this either way.

Medicated Cycle #4

I was able to get in for a scan today, but could not see Dr. Dunn. His nurse talked to him about me, and he gave her instructions for me.

CD 3-7 5mg Femara
CD 8-13 2.5mg Estradiol
CD 13 Mid-cycle Scan

I'll need the trigger shot again this time. This means I jump right in with Femara starting today and will go in for the scan on Jan 15. She said if my follicles are mature on the 15th, she'll instruct me to do the trigger shot that day. If not, we'll continue the Estrogen for another day or 2 and then do the shot. Judging from past reactions to the meds, I am going to guess that I'll be good to trigger on the 15th. So, we should know something by the end of the month.

Feeling down

I'm feeling kind of bummed tonight. And depressed. And resigned.

I need to call Dr. Dunn in the morning to see if he can work me in tomorrow. I have to get scanned tomorrow if I am going to be able to do meds this cycle. And since we never met after my last cycle, I don't have any idea what protocol he wants to do next. That means I'll not only have to see a nurse for the scan, but I'll have to sit with him as well. I don't know if they'll be able to fit me in on such short notice. I guess we'll see what happens. I'm going to be disappointed if I can't get in. Especially since I'll be in the office around 6:30am tomorrow morning to allow time for me to leave during lunch to go to the doctor. Let the fun begin.

We really should have scheduled the sit down with Dr. Dunn for sometime during this last 2 weeks when we were both off work. But we didn't really decide what we were going to do until a few days ago.

I keep telling myself to just let go. None of this is ultimately under my control anyway, so no amount of over-thinking or worrying will help. Actually it would probably just hurt.

Another year and acceptance is upon us

For some reason, all of our TTC woes seem to bother me on holidays more than regular days. Especially holidays that seem to accentuate the passing of time. New Years is one of those kinds of days. Here we are, entering another year, and still no baby. And this year I don't even feel any closer to achieving that much desired goal. Last year I had a lot of optimism, since I had just had surgery in November 2007. I had a lot of reason to believe 2008 would be the year that we would get pregnant. Now that 2009 is here, I really don't have any reason at all to believe that this will be the year.

I learned from experience during 2008 that dealing with infertility causes people to experience the 5 stages of grief. At first there was denial. Why else would it have taken me several years to acknowledge that my body was not normal after Elise's birth? Then anger - I had a lot of anger. It has been primarily directed at the doctor who performed the surgery that left my uterus unbelievable scarred. Some of it has been misdirected at others. Since getting past the anger, I've done my fair share of bargaining, and there have definitely been feelings of depression. And now, as we begin 2009, I feel myself moving closer and closer to acceptance.

This will be the year. By the end of this year, we will either be pregnant or we will accept that our family is complete. We will not carry this burden into another year after this one, no matter what. With that in mind, we decided that we will begin to get VERY aggressive with treatments. We will not take any breaks or skip any cycles (unless medically required). I should begin a new cycle in the next day or two, and I will be on the phone to Dr. Dunn's office to schedule a baseline scan and appointment to determine what meds we will take next. I am also going to do some alternative treatments. Western medicine is a wonderful thing, but don't underestimate the power of acupuncture, yoga, and other techniques practiced in Eastern medicine. I am researching castor oil packs as well as a few other alternative options. I am going to come at this with everything I have this year. If a baby is not meant to be, I refuse to have any regrets about not trying every single method available.

So that's it. This is the year. You have no idea how great it feels to know that no matter what, there is an end in sight.

Uexpected sadness

One of the weirdest things about this journey I am taking is the unexpected waves of sadness.

I had the greatest day today. I took the morning off work to attend Elise's little dance performance and Christmas party. It was so much fun. I love that I was able to balance work and family today. Most days I am completely out of balance. I had a leisurely morning and got to be here to see Elise wake up and seek out our elves, take her to school, etc. After I dropped her off I had a bit of time to kill, so I went to Starbucks and sat inside reading a mindless gossip magazine and sipping a vanilla latte (with whip cream of course). Then I went back up to the school for the dance performance and party. It was so good to feel like a parent who is fully engaged. So often I feel disconnected.

I arrived in the office around lunchtime, feeling completely rejuvenated and I got a ton of things accomplished. It really reaffirmed my thoughts that I would love to eventually only work part time.

I came home and did an art activity with Elise, read her a story, and tucked her into bed. Then Jamie and I settled in together to watch one of our favorite shows on TV. Just a really nice day overall.

He just got up to take a shower, and I was sitting her finishing my glass of wine and watching the news. And it just hit me. I'm so sad. I can't understand why it works this way. It's been a perfect day. I have no reason to feel any discontent whatsoever. Yet I find myself fighting back tears.

Things aren't logical right now. I never know what feelings to expect from moment to moment. I can go literally weeks without thinking about things - or I might think of it every day for weeks. Sometimes it seems to come out of nowhere. Other times I think I will be sad and then I am not. I wonder how long it will be this way.

Just when I was beginning to feel sorry for myself...

I was asking around today on Mommy's Online about blogs that people follow. Someone pointed me to Angie Smith's blog, Bring The Rain. I clicked on the link to start at the beginning of the blog, which Angie started writing back in January of this year, when she discovered the baby she was carrying had terminal illnesses. I read a few entries, and was completely overcome with sadness. I stopped reading after that, because I recognized that I wasn't in the right state of mind to handle such things.

And it occurred to me...what is worse than not being able to achieve pregnancy. Learning that the baby you've been carrying and bonding with for 20 weeks has no chance of survival outside of your womb. And then after much prayerful consideration, making the decision to continue the pregnancy and giving birth to a baby that you only get to hold for a short time before she passes away in your arms. Giving the situation over 100% to God.

I can't even begin to comprehend that level of grief. Any pain and anguish that I may feel as a result of infertility just seems to pale in comparison. If you want to read this family's story, I really recommend Angie's blog. She is a beautiful writer and a beautiful person. Her faith and trust in God is remarkable. Surely if she can make it through, we all can.

Officially taking another break

Our most recent medicated cycle did not result in a pregnancy, so we're taking a break. Even though I am a little curious about Dr. Dunn's thoughts on our 3rd failed medicated cycle, I'm so sick of going to the doctor every 2 weeks that I'm not even going to bother to schedule an appointment to discuss it with him for a while.

We are crazy busy again (I think this is just a permanent way of life now), and I have plenty of happier things to enjoy. I'm going to try my best not to think about all of this and enjoy Christmas with my family. There is plenty of time in 2009 to deal with my infertility. It is what it is, and I can't change it.

Jamie wants to us to try the natural way this cycle, so I agreed to that. I am going to start taking my temperature again and I'll keep my chart updated (you can click the ticker above to see it). For the few that actually follow this mess, that will be something to check even though we aren't really doing anything to increase our odds for a while.

I was reading the Stories of Persistence on the Infertility Blog (linked on the right) last night. That was kind of neat.

Tears and Hope

The video on this website was VERY hard for me to watch, but I think it does a perfect job of explaining how we feel.

Tears and Hope

Permanent Changes

This evening I packed 2 boxes of maternity clothes to give away to some online friends of mine who are expecting babies. I am heading to the post office to mail them tomorrow. I now only have 2 very small shopping bags of maternity clothes. I keep them upstairs in a spare bedroom closet. That is also the room where I keep Elise's baby furniture and baby clothes - the room that I planned to turn into a nursery. I have put a lot of her clothes on consignment and donated most of the rest. The furniture...I think that will be the last thing to go. It's going to be the most expensive to replace if we actually do get pregnant someday. At this point the decision to keep it is more financially based than emotionally based. In many ways I think it would be good for me to have it out of the house. For now I settle for just keeping the door shut.

I think I actually feel okay about giving up all the clothing. I've been saving those maternity clothes for 5 years, and at this point it feels selfish to keep them to myself for some hypothetical pregnancy that may or may not ever happen when others can use them right now. I had been planning to donate them anyway, so when I found out that people I knew could use them, giving them away just felt like the right thing to do.

As I went through the bags to pack them up, I remembered little details about my pregnancy with Elise and when I had worn them. It made me a little bit sad, but it was also kind of a warm feeling to reflect on those memories. It's not something that I allow myself to do all that often. I didn't even cry.

I wonder if this is a step towards accepting that our family is complete? I'm not really sure yet. Some days I don't want to try anymore, and other days I feel like I could keep trying for years. It's a process that is unpredictable for me - I can be doing great and then all of a sudden something can trigger an emotion and this huge flood of sadness just rushes over me. Sometimes it happens at really inopportune times - such as glancing over at a new mom feeding her baby in the stands at a football game. All of a sudden in am in tears and trying my hardest to act normal so no one will notice and think I'm insane for crying at a football game!

I've reached a point now where some permanent changes have taken place. I think there will forever be a part of me now that gets a twinge of jealousy when I hear a story about someone getting pregnant by accident or on the first try. I will always feel a bit of resentment for the fact that things have not come easily to us...even if we do eventually have another child. It's a change in myself that I don't like. Bitterness is not a flattering characteristic. It's not the way that God would want me to behave, and yet it's something that I can't really control. Or I haven't learned how to control yet. I just don't think I'll ever be completely the same again.

Jamie and I talked a few nights ago, and if we aren't pregnant this cycle, I really want to take a break at least for December. I am so tired of going to the doctor every 2 weeks, and the drugs are making me bloated and irritable. I want to enjoy Christmas and worry about all of this in the new year. He agreed, mostly for my sake I think.